tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3377197238959690703..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #54Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10451884256561100442010-05-24T01:29:01.958-04:002010-05-24T01:29:01.958-04:00I feel like you should use more pronouns instead o...I feel like you should use more pronouns instead of constantly saying "Topher." While I like how you opened with action, I'm afraid the voice just didn't grab me.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44805418937630475652010-05-21T21:03:33.602-04:002010-05-21T21:03:33.602-04:00I liked this. I liked the fact that you started u...I liked this. I liked the fact that you started us out with something happening. <br /><br />The chase scene may be a bit too long though. As others have pointed out, everything he sees along the way kind of takes away from the urgency and slows it down. And I thought Kathleen had a good point about the sentence structure/word choices being a bit adult. I agree with her suggestion of trying to tell it in a simpler way.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21850378894398055712010-05-21T14:27:24.723-04:002010-05-21T14:27:24.723-04:00I liked this. I'd like to know what Topher'...I liked this. I'd like to know what Topher's relationship to Brady is, though. I don't think this is a bully situation or Topher wouldn't be so eager to catch up to him. Are they rivals in some way?<br /><br />Also a nitpick: I don't think he can barrel out of the locker room door because they usually open inwards. (I could be wrong about that.)Kate Fallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12856887940900664692noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5704918475117641452010-05-21T13:10:31.704-04:002010-05-21T13:10:31.704-04:00I really liked this - there's a lot of action ...I really liked this - there's a lot of action and forward movement. As someone mentioned above, though, I'd cut down on what he's seeing and amp up the tension a bit; focus more on his being upset and figuring out why. :)Sumayyahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08407376976946002521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56479779609582229812010-05-21T09:04:28.532-04:002010-05-21T09:04:28.532-04:00I like this, too, but the writing actually speaks ...I like this, too, but the writing actually speaks to me on a more adult level--the paragraphs are longer, the words used are a higher vocabulary. I especially liked "his socks ripped against the asphalt" and "how was he going to explain this to Mom?" (which, incidentally, was where I connected emotionally w/the character. But I do think it's worth exploring a little simpler voice, if it's MG.Kathleen@so much to say, so little timehttp://www.kathleenbasi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71714679775373518012010-05-20T09:33:30.786-04:002010-05-20T09:33:30.786-04:00Nice action and conflict. I can picture him moving...Nice action and conflict. I can picture him moving through the middle school crowd.<br /><br />But I agree with some of the other comments- give us a few details about Topher and his personality so we can immediately connect with him (though most readers will want to root for the kid being picked on by a bully anyway!)miriamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08576360236344595197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13920802365913215022010-05-20T08:25:58.669-04:002010-05-20T08:25:58.669-04:00Even though the main character was running and we ...Even though the main character was running and we can see it's an urgent matter- I didn't FEEL the urgency and I think this is because there's too much description of things he's seeing and passing that it's hard to concentrate on the feeling of urgency.Creepy Query Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18115161057496086972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37457058947260751332010-05-19T18:27:14.623-04:002010-05-19T18:27:14.623-04:00Well written, but this may not be the best place t...Well written, but this may not be the best place to start your book because - as other readers have pointed out - we don't yet care about Topher or his shoes.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33774127349264971652010-05-19T17:37:04.291-04:002010-05-19T17:37:04.291-04:00I like the action but I feel like I don't quit...I like the action but I feel like I don't quite know Topher or why Brady took his shoes. I need to know those things to care about how the action scene ends.Kelly Hashwayhttp://www.kellyhashway.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16100882233446585942010-05-19T17:20:01.602-04:002010-05-19T17:20:01.602-04:00Lots of action here, esp like the details about hi...Lots of action here, esp like the details about his socks and the stones on tennis court. I thing it's good to start in media res, like you do here, but consider starting a little bit earlier in the locker room and what set all this off. Is there a reason why Topher's been singled out besides just standard bully stuff? This opening might be a little more provocative if you allude to that first thing.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21033913170178528822010-05-19T15:09:59.296-04:002010-05-19T15:09:59.296-04:00Good stuff. I'm curious for more. But Topher i...Good stuff. I'm curious for more. But Topher is called by name quite a few times, especially in the first paragraph. It's okay to call him "he".middle grade ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15132043736808253237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71573909181952491142010-05-19T13:13:33.571-04:002010-05-19T13:13:33.571-04:00I liked the fast action and dialogue. Love the nam...I liked the fast action and dialogue. Love the names too. I would read on. I bet this is a fun read.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64049536020324281602010-05-19T12:51:32.047-04:002010-05-19T12:51:32.047-04:00Nice start. I need to get to know Topher a little...Nice start. I need to get to know Topher a little more before he starts all this action. Right now, I don't care enough about him and what happens to him to read on.shelleynoreply@blogger.com