tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3410906806280137842..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent Contest #15Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55797140510045730372018-03-10T06:56:53.317-05:002018-03-10T06:56:53.317-05:00Great opening! Very intriguing. I wonder how old t...Great opening! Very intriguing. I wonder how old the protagonist is though...to be working in a lab I imagine someone a bit more adult. But at the same time it leaves me curious to find out why a teen is working in this situation. Nicely done. Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08920349957061612653noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45946040397610566502018-03-09T09:50:18.041-05:002018-03-09T09:50:18.041-05:00Really cool opening. I love a good “virus wipes o...Really cool opening. I love a good “virus wipes out humanity” story, so I’m inherently intrigued by this concept and where the story is going. I’m already wondering why teens are working in a lab - because there’ super smart? Because they’re all that’s left? It feels like both an intriguing juxtaposition, assuming the next parts of the story answer these questions, or one that could get murky if it leaves the reader hanging. Great hook!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4428877758467386342018-03-08T22:13:07.301-05:002018-03-08T22:13:07.301-05:00I love the opening paragraph and 2nd sentence as w...I love the opening paragraph and 2nd sentence as well. "Cultivating a cure for the virus ravaging our island city is far less heartbreaking than watching people die from it—especially people I know." This is the one statement that give me an idea of the hook of the story. Perhaps there is more coming in the next few paragraphs. In the first 250 words there isn't enough. This is piece is good, that is the big need is doing more to get the reader to care. <br /><br />I notice another comment says that sentence tells too much. Interesting to have opposing points of view.<br /><br />A few smaller suggestions. I'm not sure if the protagonist is male or female. Blowing hair off of forehead gives an idea but I'm not sure.<br />The sentence I copied and pasted, implies that looking for a cure is heartbreaking -- but less heartbreaking than watching people die.<br /><br />I agree, 2 sounds disrupting are probably redundant. I also agree with Noodlesoup comment -- work to get to action more quickly. You can address additional conflict a little further in but since Ashely and the pile of paperwork are probably not the hook of the story, don't go there in the 3rd paragraph. I like the paragraph, the whole piece, some of it just needs to be moved.Kirstenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17615706786848610850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1085799150584641682018-03-08T13:27:03.637-05:002018-03-08T13:27:03.637-05:00Interesting! Love that opening paragraph, especial...Interesting! Love that opening paragraph, especially the second sentence. I'm eager to know why the gods want to destroy "us," and how they tried and failed. <br /><br />I like the second paragraph, too, as it reveals more of the scene and story, but then I think paragraph 3 and beyond gets bogged down in unimportant details. Does a swinging door make much noise, really? Does it matter what Anette is wearing? Note the details revealed in the last sentence. Do we really need any of them?<br /><br />Might we get to some sort of action instead? Maybe we just need to get to what happens next faster.<br /><br /> NoodleSoupnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35627808536288741612018-03-07T19:36:21.319-05:002018-03-07T19:36:21.319-05:00Nice job setting up an interesting premise and I l...Nice job setting up an interesting premise and I like your opening! <br /><br />I found "A loud beep from the intercom snaps me from my thoughts" and "another sudden noise draws me back to reality" to be kind of repetitive. Maybe cut one of these?<br /><br />Also, "Cultivating a cure for the virus ravaging our island city is far less heartbreaking than watching people die from it—especially people I know" was a bit too much telling. Given that you start off with the MC looking over a collection of data, it should be easy to show what project he/she is working on instead.<br /><br />Good luck!katydidnoreply@blogger.com