tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post342579155950173362..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #8Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83504254276775079172014-09-13T15:26:26.385-04:002014-09-13T15:26:26.385-04:00I rather like this. I rather like the concept.
Bu...I rather like this. I rather like the concept.<br /><br />But for MG, this is a bit too much for me. I agree that the paragraphs are a little long. I'm also wondering if it's too detailed, or complex in terms of your prose? I'm no expert in MG, that I will admit.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20582944484736203052014-09-12T00:57:17.248-04:002014-09-12T00:57:17.248-04:00I enjoyed this and thought it worked pretty much a...<br />I enjoyed this and thought it worked pretty much as is. Two small suggestions -<br /><br />I'd put an em dash between the second last- and last sentence in the first parg, rather than the question mark. <br /><br />The 'useless sleeping curse' doesn't work, I think. The word 'useless' implies it's not doing its job, but then the word 'curse' implies it was cast to cause harm, and the two words don't agree. Perhaps change the word useless to something that equates with curse. Or, is it wasn't used to cause harm, perhaps say spell.<br /><br />I'd read more. Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6224644718734137182014-09-11T23:08:18.437-04:002014-09-11T23:08:18.437-04:00That whole bit about her mother? Lose it. Once you...That whole bit about her mother? Lose it. Once you do, this piece pops nicely. It's a little bit tell-y but it's some clean, fun writing. Good job.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16238309196870617132014-09-11T12:05:21.483-04:002014-09-11T12:05:21.483-04:00From the sleeping curse and the briars over the wi...From the sleeping curse and the briars over the windows, I assume this is a Sleeping Beauty re-telling. That leaves me confused as to why Esperanza feels that it's her responsibility to break the curse. That isn't usually the way the story (or any fairy tale) goes. It's traditionally the prince's job to do that. I could see if she wanted to break with tradition and be the first fairy godmother to rescue the princess, but not why she thinks she needs to do it to keep up with the expectations set by her mother.<br /><br />The last paragraph was my favorite. You do a great job of making me feel her fear about going into that dark stair well. You convey a great sense of menace in a few words. Well done.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19109983485731046442014-09-10T20:19:23.225-04:002014-09-10T20:19:23.225-04:00So much of this is working really well. The descri...So much of this is working really well. The description is fanciful like MG fairytale retelling should be and the voice of the MC comes out well. My only issue was with this sentence: She must find her, and break that useless sleeping curse, or how could she call herself a faery godmother like her mother before her? Her mother, who’d been everything her own clod-footed self wasn’t – graceful and gifted, beautiful and admired.<br /><br />I would consider revising simply because there is repartition of "Her" I think if you reworked it, it could be as strong as your other sentences.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13512836527188408119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69808513414073967862014-09-10T17:44:29.079-04:002014-09-10T17:44:29.079-04:00Your prose is gorgeous! I love the detail in it an...Your prose is gorgeous! I love the detail in it and depending on where you are for MG, I think the paragraph length is fine.<br /><br />I like the search aspect of Esperanza, however, I'd like something (bigger, emotional, directly physical) to happen to get me attached to the characters. What if Esperanza saw what she was looking for first, but was so surprised at what it was (no way for me to know with 250 words) or at the end of the 250 finding a starling thing. Right now technically nothing has happened and that might be hard for many readers to get connected with. <br /><br />I've been told to start within a scene itself and build out. That's what has worked for me and I do think that has made my writing better. I hope this helps.jls4noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13417201525921241872014-09-10T13:51:22.849-04:002014-09-10T13:51:22.849-04:00No helpful comments! I know that's not helpful...No helpful comments! I know that's not helpful but it's sad to be 6 hours in without a comment... I think it's well written and very descriptive. I can definitely picture it all and there's a tiny bit of background blended in nicely. Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18304987001735754561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82070890849391201902014-09-10T13:50:29.296-04:002014-09-10T13:50:29.296-04:00You have lots of vivid descriptions throughout and...You have lots of vivid descriptions throughout and really give a sense of the the castle as Esperanza is creeping about.<br /><br />For a MG novel the paragraphs feel a bit long. Perhaps consider breaking them up more and maybe ease back a tiny bit on the description?<br /><br />I think you may have a typo here: "...the shadows that slept across the cold, stone floors." Should that be swept, rather than slept?<br /><br />Overall nice job.JC Davishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16746070153256910952noreply@blogger.com