tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3478327224584923239..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63089692624868461172013-05-09T14:28:51.928-04:002013-05-09T14:28:51.928-04:00Hee, yeah, it is. That's an ongoing issue for ...Hee, yeah, it is. That's an ongoing issue for me...I get carried away. :) Thanks! Heather Leahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05570007635362163642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30325699516040666072013-05-09T12:59:34.847-04:002013-05-09T12:59:34.847-04:00Did he just have dessert?
"He tasted delicio...Did he just have dessert?<br /><br />"He tasted delicious, cinnamon mixed with chocolate and french vanilla and cherry." Seems a bit over the top for mouth-taste. :) jdsperohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16664727014171959065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53428662710742597132013-05-08T22:56:37.536-04:002013-05-08T22:56:37.536-04:00Jane, actually, you're pretty right on about t...Jane, actually, you're pretty right on about the dynamic between them being off (although it's not because he's a physical risk to her). She's come home wanting him to be her savior, essentially, and she doesn't want to face any of the feelings that the abuse she experienced has left her with. She's in a bunch of denial and is desperate to "make" things right with Michael even if they really aren't. Which is a big part of the overall story. <br /><br />Thanks for pointing this out. If it's coming across like he's a physical threat to her (I'm not sure if you meant it that way or not) I'm going to have to work on it a bunch because he really isn't. :) I appreciate your input! Heather Leahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05570007635362163642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73702985664924494892013-05-08T19:44:35.764-04:002013-05-08T19:44:35.764-04:00Heather, something about the way it's written ...Heather, something about the way it's written is telegraphing to me that she shouldn't stay with this guy and that there's something wrong with the dynamic. Probably because the "safety" paragraph feels as if she's trying to convince herself rather than just feeling safe.<br /><br />He murmured something ... specify please? Ground us in the here and now. She's physically present to him, so make him physically present to her oin all the details. <br /><br />I liked her emotional disconnect at the end of the scene. It felt right for her situation.Jane Lebakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00851954297667846546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18078832384477324462013-05-07T21:07:22.005-04:002013-05-07T21:07:22.005-04:00Loved the paragraph about the color of safety. The...Loved the paragraph about the color of safety. The rest needs a bit refining. I like the voice, tone. Don't get the dialogue but I'm sure that would make more sense when reading from the beginning. Keep up the good work!Author Lia Mackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15120323328153052120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24825087428372972872013-05-07T16:45:45.741-04:002013-05-07T16:45:45.741-04:00Thank you for your comments! They are all so on po...Thank you for your comments! They are all so on point, and I appreciate it. <br /><br />Kate actually has a panic attack right after this snippet ends, but I am thinking about making changes as far as the kiss goes and moving it back in the story. It's a WIP and I'm close to being ready to edit - I just submitted because I wanted to see how Kate and Mike played out together. :) <br /><br />Thank you so much! (See, that just illustrates the problem I have with overusing repetition like I did in this snippet. Hee.) Heather Leahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05570007635362163642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35842622613217791562013-05-07T11:14:27.344-04:002013-05-07T11:14:27.344-04:00The dialogue in this was great -- sweet but not ov...The dialogue in this was great -- sweet but not overdone.<br /><br />I loved the use of color -- the color of his eyes, the colors she sees when they kiss -- I could really feel that. The taste was good, too (although it made me wonder what he'd had for dessert).<br /><br />Like Robbin, I wondered whether a woman who has just gotten out of an abusive relationship would surrender so easily, but we don't know what preceded this. Maybe she's been holding out for a while.<br /><br />If I have any criticism, it's that the paragraph beginning "Safety had a color" is a little repetitive, saying the same thing in different ways. Think about whether you could cut a few of those "He'd..." sentences. Also, you might want to insert a paragraph break before the laughter, as the mood shifts there.<br /><br />Nice job!Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12780044929655138682013-05-07T09:57:06.533-04:002013-05-07T09:57:06.533-04:00The writing brought me right into the scene. But y...The writing brought me right into the scene. But you might re-think about having Kate be more tentative. She was in an abusive relationship and trust builds walls, even in other relationships. Plus, she hasn't seen her high school sweetheart in six years. That's a long time to jump right into a kiss. The descriptions are great. Confused about the knot in her chest - the abrupt change. Not sure why she could no longer feel his kiss. But I really like the writing!Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13340267650156858452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57772890434799696822013-05-07T09:05:50.051-04:002013-05-07T09:05:50.051-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03681031636806544583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79644103822022776872013-05-07T09:05:16.520-04:002013-05-07T09:05:16.520-04:00Great chemistry! Your descriptions (his eyes, the ...Great chemistry! Your descriptions (his eyes, the grass, safety) were fresh and enticing. I was confused about what was happening to her in the end but it's probably more clear once I keep reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03681031636806544583noreply@blogger.com