tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3483543237706900782..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent Contest #18Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13133548319158191942011-08-19T15:41:24.491-04:002011-08-19T15:41:24.491-04:00This is a nitpick, but one thing that tripped me u...This is a nitpick, but one thing that tripped me up was that he noticed her eye color but nothing else. I'd think he'd notice her hair and skin color, and maybe not notice her eyes at all if he's distracted by her actions.Kaythnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27780876051909165882011-08-19T00:38:12.580-04:002011-08-19T00:38:12.580-04:00Hmmmm. The opening sentences read a little tongue-...Hmmmm. The opening sentences read a little tongue-tied and I got hung up a bit there. But things improve in the graphs that follow. (Although, there's still a bit of stiffness in the prose, which doesn't seem connected to the boy's snobbery and which kept tripping me up). The surprise at the end didn't surprise me, I'm afraid.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10444867331084535962011-08-18T16:51:32.365-04:002011-08-18T16:51:32.365-04:00I liked that you kept a sense of mystery throughou...I liked that you kept a sense of mystery throughout the piece, and the last line is a great hook<br /><br />Two things stood out to me. I wondered why 'the Boy' wasn't named. He knows who he is, and if he's your MC, why not name him?<br /><br />The other thing was the distant feeling of the piece. I liked it in regard to how it gave this a feeling of otherworldliness, and of a different time and place. But it also puts me at arms length from the characters, far enouh to make me not care about either of them. I'm interested, but I don't I care. <br /><br />If it's a prologue, I could read it and move on, but I don't think I could read a whole novel in this style.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32479674292042177822011-08-18T16:20:38.778-04:002011-08-18T16:20:38.778-04:00That's okay. Maybe you did see an older versi...That's okay. Maybe you did see an older version somewhere. I appreciate the nice comments anyways. Thank you for looking!Tracy N. Jorgensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14900562574693952219noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43691711352933149932011-08-18T08:58:18.517-04:002011-08-18T08:58:18.517-04:00Tracy,
Maybe I"m remembering the query? Sorry...Tracy,<br />Maybe I"m remembering the query? Sorry to be so confused.<br />MDurango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61763144706155142762011-08-17T23:13:17.828-04:002011-08-17T23:13:17.828-04:00I'm confused. This is the exact same version ...I'm confused. This is the exact same version as the one at WriteOnCon.Tracy N. Jorgensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14900562574693952219noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7505254973377153022011-08-17T19:21:26.395-04:002011-08-17T19:21:26.395-04:00Ooooooooh! I like this! And so much better than a ...Ooooooooh! I like this! And so much better than a version I saw at WriteOnCon. I like that it's sort of formal. The intelligent dialogue works. The fact that it's her headstone is the HOOK that makes me want to read more.Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75256496521177069362011-08-17T17:17:43.177-04:002011-08-17T17:17:43.177-04:00Definitely set in a different time. Glad that mak...Definitely set in a different time. Glad that makes you feel more intrigued though! Always a good sign. Thanks for taking a look!Tracy N. Jorgensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14900562574693952219noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18474089317693905662011-08-17T15:36:32.456-04:002011-08-17T15:36:32.456-04:00This is tighter than the last version I read. I li...This is tighter than the last version I read. I liked it before, but the slight tweaking made this so much better. Good luck!Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1389766743730391382011-08-17T10:40:18.175-04:002011-08-17T10:40:18.175-04:00I liked this. The interaction between the two was ...I liked this. The interaction between the two was good. I do wonder about the word "certain". It has an older feel to it as if we've stepped back in time. If we have, I am intrigued even more.Kim Hnoreply@blogger.com