tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3502671615201961732..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55527577853781130452012-01-16T02:51:09.203-05:002012-01-16T02:51:09.203-05:00Agree with the drug reference, because it made me ...Agree with the drug reference, because it made me wonder if she was a drug user. But I really liked that last line! Nice...Mary Jane Hathawayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17996627730074514978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70840846900948157852012-01-14T11:15:11.603-05:002012-01-14T11:15:11.603-05:00In the first parg, she sees something that sends c...In the first parg, she sees something that sends chills up and down her spine, but instead of telling us what that is, you tell us about Mr. Devries. Perhaps cut that and tell us what it is that is so shocking.<br /><br />The blurb says she hears a voice talking on the phone in the next room, and she flees, yet when she gets downstairs, the man who was talking on the phone is already there. How did he get there before her? <br /><br />And should it be - he was IN her territory, rather than on it?<br /><br />I also thought the drug sentence didn't work. It ran on too long, and the word illegal somehow made it feel unbelievable, like she didn't know what she was talking about.<br /><br />But I did feel the emotion here. I felt her fear and panic. I did feel like she calmed down a bit too easily in the last parg. That read a bit too-matter-of-fact, but overall, I thought it worked.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64865274179992096942012-01-12T13:26:11.490-05:002012-01-12T13:26:11.490-05:00This is well written. The only snag I hit was lik...This is well written. The only snag I hit was like an illegal drug. If she isn't a regular drug user, I'd take this out. If she is a drug user, then maybe specify which drug. Why would she use the word illegal vs. drug?<br /><br />I agree with the previous comment about the shorter sentence. It feels almost relaxed but it should still feel tense. Shorter sentences and removing the "throat clearing" statements should take care of that.<br /><br />All in all - great job.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78415047694390583552012-01-12T12:15:28.220-05:002012-01-12T12:15:28.220-05:00In this high drama scene, you might consider short...In this high drama scene, you might consider shortening some of your sentences to add more punch. Your writing is lovely - variation would only add to it. There's also a bit of "throat clearing" like "She saw it all now." Those don't tell the reader anything.<br /><br />Be more specific about the "illegal drug" but only if the mc has actual experience here, otherwise you might consider leaving that off.<br /><br />I find it distracting and confusing to talk about "voices" so long before giving the name "Ryan." It feels like a tease.<br /><br />How does the mc put together the mystery of the voices? Ryan doesn't speak here. This needs a little more clarity which clues she's actually using.<br /><br />The grateful bit for the shoes doesn't quite work since it doesn't really matter. She could still look at them and consider running - but only if she literally considers sprinting off.<br /><br />Nice work!Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.com