tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3518718902717557406..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent Contest #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20395062305376738562018-05-20T16:35:37.887-04:002018-05-20T16:35:37.887-04:00This concept is fun! Love the voice. At the mentio...This concept is fun! Love the voice. At the mention of zombies, I was sure the next paragraph should have read "which could actually happen in a funeral home."<br /><br />I'm not sure what the premise is, and I'd love a better hint at the plot from the title, which feels too vague to me. Maybe consider a title with a bit more promise to make this stand out from the horde of haunted house stories.<br /><br />Thank you for sharing!<br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16429312041154079202018-05-18T17:59:34.570-04:002018-05-18T17:59:34.570-04:00When I was reading this, I mostly felt it to be a ...When I was reading this, I mostly felt it to be a little cliche. The "moves to a spooky house" thing has been done many times before. It is possible that you are making a more lighthearted ghost story, or poking fun at the genre. If this is so, you might want to give a few more clues. If not, you could spice up the details about the new home--make it sound a little less derivative.Pen Namehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09623279455622246115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73250579963866445642018-05-17T12:12:38.620-04:002018-05-17T12:12:38.620-04:00Did the parents really sing a song with Poopy Head...Did the parents really sing a song with Poopy Head as lyrics? I imagine it is Derek's most embarrassing song. He may have more problems than being the son of morticians. : - ) <br /><br />You did a good job describing how much Derek resents moving across the country.It might also be nice to know something about the friends he left behind. <br /><br />But having said that, getting him to the castle with turrets a bit sooner would be good. Tilleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02514316536389448750noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27943209818599948662018-05-17T10:07:15.501-04:002018-05-17T10:07:15.501-04:00I really like Derek’s voice-good job! And I like t...I really like Derek’s voice-good job! And I like the premise but I have a few suggestions:<br />The living in a spooky house to be used as a funeral home seems cliche to me. Consider changing to something unexpected. <br />I am not sure why the story starts with his parents picking him up. I got confused because at first I thought he already lives in a funeral home and then when he gets picked up coupled with the fact I know it’s paranormal, I thought he was dead and he was going to haunt people somehow. So I agree that the story does not start in the right place. sewitschorkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00470045563589329401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5575699605351488632018-05-16T19:10:36.500-04:002018-05-16T19:10:36.500-04:00I like where you're going with this, but I thi...I like where you're going with this, but I think the opening tells too much. The last two lines really caught my attention. Is that where this should start? Jennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56686439370757105432018-05-16T17:28:01.743-04:002018-05-16T17:28:01.743-04:00I like the concept and opening, especially narcole...I like the concept and opening, especially narcoleptic town. It gets a little choppy once his family picks him up. The poopy song has the potential to be funny but it just reads like gratuitous potty humor.Annmarienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16351553824015387712018-05-16T13:12:40.652-04:002018-05-16T13:12:40.652-04:00I really like the set-up and Derek has a memorable...I really like the set-up and Derek has a memorable voice so far. The opening line starts out very good, but then ends pretty awkward when it gets to the "for example" part. My suggestion is to put, "For example, here's one." Then conjoin the first two paragraphs :)Maddie Primrosenoreply@blogger.com