tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3599736376696982472..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81531956699738497472013-05-20T13:52:15.384-04:002013-05-20T13:52:15.384-04:00You're currently undercutting an exciting mome...You're currently undercutting an exciting moment with too much exposition. Remember the annoying proverb: "Show, don't tell." We don't need to know the entire backstory of events that led up to this point. Try focusing more on the action at this early stage, and feed us bits (rather than chunks) of exposition to juxtapose it.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61971215009508034472013-05-19T09:42:40.077-04:002013-05-19T09:42:40.077-04:00I love this premise, but I'm not a fan of the ...I love this premise, but I'm not a fan of the "Here's the scene, now cut back a week."<br /><br />Your prose is smooth, but the first paragraph felt like a big block o' text. You can probably fix that with a paragraph break or two and not even have to change anything in the story.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15545937353290259259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-155467537321833792013-05-16T16:30:44.027-04:002013-05-16T16:30:44.027-04:00Hooked! Well written for the genre, creative descr...Hooked! Well written for the genre, creative description, great character development, all in 250 words. I'd read this cover to cover. Good luck!Olsonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51454245766336911442013-05-16T16:10:13.794-04:002013-05-16T16:10:13.794-04:00Confused by team-to-be, but liked the set-up of ti...Confused by team-to-be, but liked the set-up of time travel to ancient Egypt. Really LIKED eyes were bulging like a gazelle’s waiting for an arrow, but agree to say “eyes bulged.” Also liked other descriptions—Halloween zombies, tinged with the smell.<br /><br />Last paragraph could be tightened. Didn’t quite get “that was as normal as her life was ever going to get.” Suggest you put all the week-ago things in one sentence and leave out “extent of her life: “All she’d wanted was a cool coat for the first day of school, to meet her friends afterward for ice cream, and to attract the attention of the cute Tyler Miller—normal teenage stuff.” Then, to shorten the last sentence, put “even with a broken time machine” after “find a way out” in the previous paragraph. Then you could say something like: “Being trapped in an Egyptian pyramid, almost five thousand years before she was born? So much for normal.”<br /><br />Just some suggestions! Liked the premise, though! And the title.<br />MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89440416545162284072013-05-16T03:47:37.667-04:002013-05-16T03:47:37.667-04:00I thought this was an interesting beginning. You ...I thought this was an interesting beginning. You might tone down the descriptions in parg 1. They seem a bit overdone. Perhaps also work in some dialogue, because the whole thing is told, as is, and the dialogue will help put the reader in the moment. I'd read more.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63961862131391727462013-05-15T20:24:19.313-04:002013-05-15T20:24:19.313-04:00I really like this. I'm right there.
The &#...I really like this. I'm right there. <br />The 'team-to-be' doesn't make sense to me.<br /><br />I especially like how her priorities have changed from the 'week ago.' That's a great paragraph, but I'd use an em dash or elipses before "that seems as normal"Evie-Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17545577336977750545noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63959504490684833182013-05-15T18:07:56.716-04:002013-05-15T18:07:56.716-04:00I like this; it is well written. At the same time,...I like this; it is well written. At the same time, I feel it is all set-up. Instead of letting us figure out the situation ourselves, you're totally feeding it to us. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34608902337131617782013-05-15T15:29:56.671-04:002013-05-15T15:29:56.671-04:00Great beginning. I would like to see what happens...Great beginning. I would like to see what happens next.Ricknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71964075653576508592013-05-15T15:12:37.578-04:002013-05-15T15:12:37.578-04:00For me you could have more up front action. I feel...For me you could have more up front action. I feel something big is going to happen... but I want it to happen now. <br /><br />That said, Emily is appealing, the concept and title are interesting and I like the writing. I like the gazelle eye simile - if it was less passive ('eyes bulged' instead of 'were bulging') I'd love it.<br /><br />Good luck with this. I think it has great potential.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04712049007203810266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45823767069019115632013-05-15T14:12:43.378-04:002013-05-15T14:12:43.378-04:00This is great! I'm totally interested in this....This is great! I'm totally interested in this. It's scifi because of the time travel, but also sounds like it's going to play out to be a great HF too. Your voice is great, peppy and hooking. I'd read on. Best of luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14222968358802371658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43362857280618413582013-05-15T11:09:04.559-04:002013-05-15T11:09:04.559-04:00What a fun setting and great description. I was ob...What a fun setting and great description. I was obsessed with ancient Egypt as a kid and would have gobbled this up. Best of luck to you! Addiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15392217596841402265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20406029748908193212013-05-15T10:17:08.555-04:002013-05-15T10:17:08.555-04:00I love the vivid descriptions that bring to life t...I love the vivid descriptions that bring to life the unusual circumstances. I think this story would benefit from dialogue, to reveal the characters and how they react with each other. You have something really good here - with some polish, you could make it great.J D Wayenoreply@blogger.com