tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3611982135463609460..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63471041280354438092010-08-20T17:11:40.617-04:002010-08-20T17:11:40.617-04:00Although I thought the narrative could have been t...Although I thought the narrative could have been tightened a bit, I felt that you built tension well.<br /><br />The sensory descriptions were good, and I knew right from the start the MC was expecting to get retribution.<br /><br />So now I'm curious. Why does he want retribution? Who has crossed him? And as this puzzled my brain, you revealed the back story in one paragraph.<br /><br />And you left me wondering what would happen. Yes, I'd read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8738219434598860462010-08-20T15:25:27.461-04:002010-08-20T15:25:27.461-04:00the part that hooked me was about his wife, but i ...the part that hooked me was about his wife, but i had skipped over the descriptions to get to that. <br />this may just not be my cup of tea.angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41391930876318942412010-08-20T14:15:12.904-04:002010-08-20T14:15:12.904-04:00The prose here is smooth if a bit overwritten, and...The prose here is smooth if a bit overwritten, and the descriptions in the first two paragraphs struck me as too clinical. I didn’t perk up until the third paragraph, when we start to see glimpses of who this guy is and what he’s doing out there. Sure, it’s backstory, but at least we’re getting an idea of who your main character is and how he feels. Overall I wasn’t hooked.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53519745004864018702010-08-19T14:48:21.346-04:002010-08-19T14:48:21.346-04:00I thought this could be really interesting, but it...I thought this could be really interesting, but it didn't work for me as is. In the second sentence, he's exacting retribution for being treated as an outsider and outcast. In the third parg, he's doing it because of what the English government did to his wife. Which is it?<br /><br />The 3rd parg is all back story and can be gotten in later, or a bit here and there.<br /><br />Perhaps also try to give us a sense of who this man is. You tell us basic facts about him, but we don't see him as a human being. What are his thoughts as he's doing all this stuff? When he responds with the shielded lantern is he thinking, "This is for you, love." or "Die bastards!"<br />or "Now we're even." Let this guy react.<br /><br />And give him a name. That'll make it a bit easier to relate to him.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68887760246556376352010-08-19T04:16:07.253-04:002010-08-19T04:16:07.253-04:00There are some fantastic physical descriptions in ...There are some fantastic physical descriptions in this piece and I really like the way you have started it.<br /><br />I wanted to see some action though, and some emotion - to know why he is hiding. What is he doing here and what is going to happen next?<br /><br />Showing some action would really give this piece a lift. And showing your character's emotional responses would allow the reader to connect with him more and care about what is happening to him.Dee Whitehttp://deescribewriting.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20560380225067767482010-08-19T00:49:10.960-04:002010-08-19T00:49:10.960-04:00This is so clinical that it's hard to connect....This is so clinical that it's hard to connect. Consider starting with your MC's anger over his wife's death and lead into what he intends to do about it. If you'll give him a little heart up front, it'll be easier to sympathize with him. Your writing shows your intelligence...but to snare readers, you have to make them care (by showing, not telling) and justify his actions.Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16676961526157560787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79355360581551061582010-08-18T14:45:55.676-04:002010-08-18T14:45:55.676-04:00I agree with Krista V. There's a lot of descr...I agree with Krista V. There's a lot of description, which would be fine if there wasn't so much backstory. The character's motivations matter to him and to the author at this point, not the reader. We can learn about why he's angry later on. For now, we need to know what he's up to.<br /><br />Show that he's up to no good, and let his actions tell us some of the why. Later, when we've become invested in the character, we'll want to know the why, but right now it slows things down and muddies the water. Good luck.Walter Thurmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10350577888564176555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37528684120732202592010-08-18T13:30:03.736-04:002010-08-18T13:30:03.736-04:00Not hooked. Too much description and backstory, an...Not hooked. Too much description and backstory, and the voice felt a little too high-falutin' for my tastes. Honestly, I only skimmed the last three paragraphs, since the first one didn't hook me.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.com