tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3699222615049327060..comments2024-03-19T03:20:39.801-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #36Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81921614410321339332012-04-14T14:12:14.894-04:002012-04-14T14:12:14.894-04:00Less about things raining from the sky and more ab...Less about things raining from the sky and more about that black satin canvas they are about to paint. All the black and I just wanted to hear more about what possible colors they would use, what is the painting like, how do they do it? Physically, mentally?<br /><br />I also wanted her to have some dread, like if she gets painted a certain way or something that she fears. Ratchet up that conflict that is obviously there from the technician not wanting to tell her something. <br /><br />Does she recognize anyone in the room? No friends, parents, siblings? I then wonder if she's an orphan or separated from her parents and siblings. <br /><br />So many questions, which bodes well, but a lot of your description of the Vita can wait and you could be filling this page with a ton more visual that connects with the conflict. What does it feel like to be standing there waiting for this? What does she fear specifically? What will happen when she receives the Vita. More of that.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2205827566610172402012-04-13T07:59:40.925-04:002012-04-13T07:59:40.925-04:00I could nitpick a bit, but nothing would keep me f...I could nitpick a bit, but nothing would keep me from turning the page - a very promising start.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21187489071997404732012-04-12T10:42:31.069-04:002012-04-12T10:42:31.069-04:00I agree with others are saying both about the empt...I agree with others are saying both about the empty shoulder, that put a gross image in my head, and the being like other books already published. I also think you could do away with the first paragraph. A description of this crowd doesn't pull me in.<br /><br />I would read on, but I would be looking really hard for something to set this apart. What would make this different?JC Falorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12752042179391838494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17852665017044746362012-04-11T21:07:58.431-04:002012-04-11T21:07:58.431-04:00I like the description in the opening paragraph an...I like the description in the opening paragraph and a nice lead in to the quest. <br /><br />I agree with the others about the use of 'empty' and found it equally jarring when used to describe the collarbone later in the opening.<br /><br />Outside of that sentance, I thought it was a excellent intro and I would certainly continue reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01021888227904891627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44094577838522830942012-04-11T19:47:02.256-04:002012-04-11T19:47:02.256-04:00Ips. that should have been "each person with ...Ips. that should have been "each person with different colors around the room" changed to the other. The current version sound like the colors are around the room, not the people.ripleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18112447183566097442012-04-11T19:44:51.832-04:002012-04-11T19:44:51.832-04:00I think the writing and voice is strong, but I als...I think the writing and voice is strong, but I also immediately thought of the other books mentioned that this one seems so much like. <br /><br />You obviously have the chops to write, but I just felt myself yearning for a more unique story and plot line, especially since the writing was so good.<br /><br />"each person around the room with different colors" should be changed to "each person around the room with different colors"<br /><br />empty shoulder bothered me too and could be "unadorned". <br /><br />I don't think I'd read on because I'm eager for a new story.ripleyhttp://www.ripleypatton.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76823841609742420692012-04-11T19:33:38.848-04:002012-04-11T19:33:38.848-04:00Good writing and great suspense. Several of your v...Good writing and great suspense. Several of your verbs were weak and will need to be strengthened, but other than that and the confusing line about the shoulder it's very compelling.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58247300284659003852012-04-11T19:23:14.980-04:002012-04-11T19:23:14.980-04:00In addition to all the other books people named th...In addition to all the other books people named that have aptitude tests in them, I thought of Delirium by Lauren Oliver and, to a lesser extent, Anthem by Ayn Rand--so I think that the tests are more of a standard dystopian thing. I don't think it will seem too reminiscent of one particular book, then, if it's common theme in dystopian novels.<br /><br />Little nitpicky stuff: I felt that "It is not an object. It is not a word" was a bit too dramatic. In the same paragraph, for the last sentence, you should have a colon instead of a semicolon.<br /><br />I really liked this one a lot and want to read more!<br /><br />BecAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11467904821246442972012-04-11T18:19:37.357-04:002012-04-11T18:19:37.357-04:00Phew! I was worried I'd be the only one who re...Phew! I was worried I'd be the only one who read the "empty" line and pictured a hole in her shoulder. I kept wondering what happened to her to sustain such a wound. But I think you're saying her shoulders are bare, right? A strapless dress?<br /><br />The feel of this reminded me of Matched in addition to the other two mentioned. Maybe put a little more detail of what the Vita is (give an example of what someone she knows was given), something that will help set it apart from all the other dsyopias that are popular right now. Maybe tell us what the three Marks are, too? <br /><br />I think I would need to see something truly unique to want to read further--I'm sadly getting burnt out on dystopias :(<br /><br />Good luck!Melissa Jacksonhttp://melissa-jackson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15925504895948266762012-04-11T18:15:31.274-04:002012-04-11T18:15:31.274-04:00It's not for me, but, dystopian is very popula...It's not for me, but, dystopian is very popular today.<br /><br />I want you to eliminate all the extra "hads". Had slows a story down for me, and I don't think you need them.<br /><br />I liked the aptitude testing idea, and the way the character who read MCs test reacted.<br /><br />Good Luck!Paula Millhousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07758689597349294396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84779629363845359152012-04-11T18:02:59.132-04:002012-04-11T18:02:59.132-04:00I'm a sucker for a snappy first line, and I...I'm a sucker for a snappy first line, and I'm tempted to think The Vita could work, followed by the paragraph after. If you can work in the line about being 17 and the future, I think the opener about describing the room can be taken out. <br /><br />I would keep reading to see where this goes. I know dystopian chosen ones is a big thing now, and your twist on it, and the defining hook, should show up early.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64608797713999863892012-04-11T17:10:43.677-04:002012-04-11T17:10:43.677-04:00I wasn't hooked. :( The writing was strong and...I wasn't hooked. :( The writing was strong and I couldn't put my finger on why I didn't feel stronger towards it. <br /><br />But I'm clearly the minority. Thank you for sharing.LindaHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25773182794459315322012-04-11T15:39:38.865-04:002012-04-11T15:39:38.865-04:00I had to re-read the "empty" line as wel...I had to re-read the "empty" line as well. Perhaps "blank" as reference later to the canvas upon which tell-tale signs will be painted (tattooed?). Interesting. Would like to see what happens next.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51770961160413991112012-04-11T13:23:12.215-04:002012-04-11T13:23:12.215-04:00This also reminds me of Divergent and the Giver, b...This also reminds me of Divergent and the Giver, both of which I really enjoyed. I'd still read on, but keep in mind, your book would have to stand up to those two.Rachel Menardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10021632240283151780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24278505713350449782012-04-11T12:46:19.943-04:002012-04-11T12:46:19.943-04:00I like this, but agree - the use of the word '...I like this, but agree - the use of the word 'empty' makes me picture a boneless shoulder/ collarbone, with flapping skin. I think it's intentional, and that makes me wonder why she has no bones there. I'd read on:)Feaky Snuckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17481513779668517971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18067402010060859582012-04-11T12:31:24.326-04:002012-04-11T12:31:24.326-04:00Yeah this definitely reminds me of both Divergent ...Yeah this definitely reminds me of both Divergent and The Giver, but i'd still read on. I like both those books and i'd probably like this too. I'm a big fan of tests and trials and stuff so starting with that is a plus for me.<br />Good job!Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44580392591258962502012-04-11T11:55:05.475-04:002012-04-11T11:55:05.475-04:00The whole aptitude test thing reminds me of Veroni...The whole aptitude test thing reminds me of Veronica Roth's "Divergent," as the other commenter noted, but otherwise I like this. I'd read on!Juliahttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9127722647599387302012-04-11T11:32:06.341-04:002012-04-11T11:32:06.341-04:00Nice opening! It caught my attention. But do you t...Nice opening! It caught my attention. But do you think the aptitude test, and your MC not falling into any category, might be too reminiscent of Divergent? I don't know how easy it would be to change that idea, but I would really think about it.<br /><br />Also, "empty skin of my shoulder..." 'empty' makes me picture a hole in her shoulder. Is that right? Otherwise, I had a good visual of the scene. <br /><br />Some great writing, though! Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com