tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post373478878968526469..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #16Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19970399430851305442013-07-04T07:27:09.906-04:002013-07-04T07:27:09.906-04:00Thanks to everyone for their helpful comments!!!Thanks to everyone for their helpful comments!!!Michellehttp://www.gn-st.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89803209030742911752013-06-28T07:37:15.998-04:002013-06-28T07:37:15.998-04:00No. First he's dragging his feet, then he'...No. First he's dragging his feet, then he's kicking and crunching - all at the same time? Way too much foot action here.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75707267436456022212013-06-27T22:46:17.156-04:002013-06-27T22:46:17.156-04:00Yes. Good visuals here...I can hear the leaves mov...Yes. Good visuals here...I can hear the leaves moving under his feet. And since it's an early reader, I think kids will be more engaged with this character. Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14282081335182544822013-06-27T19:55:51.591-04:002013-06-27T19:55:51.591-04:00No. There's nothing unique about this or the c...No. There's nothing unique about this or the character or his emotions.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78347491407787473822013-06-27T19:53:29.037-04:002013-06-27T19:53:29.037-04:00No. It's not original, doesn't show voice...No. It's not original, doesn't show voice or character and seems too complex for an early reader.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67983410764298525262013-06-27T19:33:17.789-04:002013-06-27T19:33:17.789-04:00No. How does someone drag his feet at the same tim...No. How does someone drag his feet at the same time as he crunches and kicks? This detail makes me worry other details might not be as precise as they need to be. KOhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.com/current-projects/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72736570487365176082013-06-27T19:01:17.018-04:002013-06-27T19:01:17.018-04:00No--Try shorter, simpler sentences. The opening wo...No--Try shorter, simpler sentences. The opening would work better as two sentences. And the MC's name may be unpronounceable for early readers.<br /><br />Early readers will also have pictures, so you don't have to tell what the pictures will probably show.<br /><br />I did like 'kicking and crunching his way down the street.' Nice word choices. But perhaps start with whatever the incident is that makes Kieran feel however he is feeling.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41396169526963026582013-06-27T17:30:18.095-04:002013-06-27T17:30:18.095-04:00No, but only because it's awkward and I can...No, but only because it's awkward and I can't quite tell if Kieran is dragging his own feet. With a little work, I think you'll wind up with a wonderful first line.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12183124984956297442013-06-27T16:36:11.203-04:002013-06-27T16:36:11.203-04:00No. It's quite a complex sentence for an early...No. It's quite a complex sentence for an early reader. More importantly, I'd like something more intriguing to draw the new reader into the story.Trellisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78880998691797975242013-06-27T16:20:08.693-04:002013-06-27T16:20:08.693-04:00No
Feels like it's been done before.No<br />Feels like it's been done before.Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31411999502484919182013-06-27T16:11:27.853-04:002013-06-27T16:11:27.853-04:00No. The "dragged" kind of makes me think...No. The "dragged" kind of makes me think the story will be a drag. It starts things off on a low, passive note.Parkernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41905233579890689692013-06-27T15:57:35.041-04:002013-06-27T15:57:35.041-04:00Yes. But I am so not qualified for early readers. ...Yes. But I am so not qualified for early readers. I usually don't like to start out with mopey characters, but the MC here feels actively mopey. he's moving. He's kicking leaves. He's doing something while he stews which promises some sort of action on his part. I think it could work.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76475057088460118302013-06-27T15:20:38.257-04:002013-06-27T15:20:38.257-04:00No. Although well written, just too familiar and ...No. Although well written, just too familiar and doesn't give enough information to make me want to keep reading.<br />zellarellinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3721823957250291672013-06-27T14:42:30.847-04:002013-06-27T14:42:30.847-04:00No. Sorry. No. Sorry. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29997000151807005972013-06-27T14:40:01.055-04:002013-06-27T14:40:01.055-04:00I would have said no, but something about "cr...I would have said no, but something about "crunching and kicking his way down the street" hints of something serious going on in his life. I'd like to know what.Iron Angelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17260105180033694831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31860957313817699142013-06-27T14:15:10.552-04:002013-06-27T14:15:10.552-04:00Yes. I see a little boy identifying with this scen...Yes. I see a little boy identifying with this scene right away. With an early reader, I like that simplicity.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32929188082911096582013-06-27T14:06:37.978-04:002013-06-27T14:06:37.978-04:00No. It makes me go, "So." I don't ca...No. It makes me go, "So." I don't care enough. Not interesting to read about someone walking down the street and kicking leaves. I need something more.justJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28837036723909495382013-06-27T13:57:16.147-04:002013-06-27T13:57:16.147-04:00Yes, but it depends on what you're going for. ...Yes, but it depends on what you're going for. It's descriptive, but it's going to be dependent on that next line, which needs to be a shorter sentence.Freiyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12003698244470014811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72442336262706995412013-06-27T13:47:10.891-04:002013-06-27T13:47:10.891-04:00Yes-ish. I'd read the next sentence to see if ...Yes-ish. I'd read the next sentence to see if I was hooked with a good 'why?'pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59289705505940432122013-06-27T13:42:08.362-04:002013-06-27T13:42:08.362-04:00No
The details are fine but it's nothing spec...No<br /><br />The details are fine but it's nothing special. I also worry about the audience and the level of this writingSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13045443444104778972013-06-27T13:35:31.126-04:002013-06-27T13:35:31.126-04:00No - nice visual but I think it could give us more...No - nice visual but I think it could give us more. Is he angry? On his way somewhere interesting?jdsperohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16664727014171959065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21837978223992243852013-06-27T13:35:06.737-04:002013-06-27T13:35:06.737-04:00No -- kicking leaves as he walks isn't enough ...No -- kicking leaves as he walks isn't enough to reveal character or pique my interest. This is just something happening; there's no hook. The writing is fine, though.Vicorvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01403847061872136521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67726298447688276492013-06-27T13:09:31.018-04:002013-06-27T13:09:31.018-04:00No - walking down the street isn't interesting...No - walking down the street isn't interesting. The Dieselpunkettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16957945738556312135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22208991681954568472013-06-27T11:43:51.088-04:002013-06-27T11:43:51.088-04:00No. While there's nothing wrong with the sente...No. While there's nothing wrong with the sentence structure, the image isn't overly unique and thus didn't grab.Wade Whitenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18404992403692622262013-06-27T11:39:39.215-04:002013-06-27T11:39:39.215-04:00No. The word "dragged" sounds sad while ...No. The word "dragged" sounds sad while "crunched" and "kick" sound like he's having fun. The mismatch confuses me.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.com