tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post373963380544265156..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 13 SECRET AGENTAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80940119081310340452009-01-17T18:05:00.000-05:002009-01-17T18:05:00.000-05:00Loved the title, but sorry, not hooked with this e...Loved the title, but sorry, not hooked with this excerpt...still 250 words is often hard to judge for the worth of an entire book. I'd read another pageAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19433233915099468692009-01-17T11:44:00.001-05:002009-01-17T11:44:00.001-05:00I'm not certain who the story is about here - your...I'm not certain who the story is about here - your mc or the principal. You spend more time on the principal than you do on her.dragonladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07320337634903795299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1609712613753161462009-01-17T11:44:00.000-05:002009-01-17T11:44:00.000-05:00I'm not certain who the story is about here - your...I'm not certain who the story is about here - your mc or the principal. You spend more time on the principal than you do on her.dragonladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07320337634903795299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86422653599330600252009-01-16T21:39:00.000-05:002009-01-16T21:39:00.000-05:00You have the raw materials for something great her...You have the raw materials for something great here. Your title rocks!Suzette Saxtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06401538008029407734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67421612495550934142009-01-16T03:03:00.000-05:002009-01-16T03:03:00.000-05:00She's unsympathetic and self-absorbed. I need to ...She's unsympathetic and self-absorbed. I need to like a main characherJulie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76869940555835732252009-01-15T22:19:00.000-05:002009-01-15T22:19:00.000-05:00A thrilling sci-fi story. I think the description ...A thrilling sci-fi story. <BR/><BR/>I think the description of the principal doesn't need to be so close to the beginning. Maybe later?<BR/><BR/>I want to know more about what Theodora (who will probably be called Theo, another girl-with-a-boy's name) did, and why.<BR/><BR/>I'd read further to see if you actually answer what Theodora did. If not, I'd stop.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78343029186154078252009-01-15T20:50:00.000-05:002009-01-15T20:50:00.000-05:00There are two very interesting things here. 1) A g...There are two very interesting things here. 1) A good title and 2) the small revelation, when I happened to check back, that this is actually going to be a thriller/sci-fi story - because I wouldn't have guessed that from this opening. <BR/>I'm not immediately grabbed and there are a few little lumpy bits in the writing (eg, repeat of 'liked him' x3, but I'm interested to know where you might be going with the story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62988968196518984762009-01-15T19:29:00.000-05:002009-01-15T19:29:00.000-05:00Ditto on the detail overkill--it slows down the te...Ditto on the detail overkill--it slows down the tension and pacing way too much. Also, the comment about the Business Club kids didn't make any sense to me--how can they dress like him when Mr. Silver doesn't wear a suit jacket (and thus has no identifiable style that you've given us for these kids to emulate).<BR/><BR/>Sorry, but still not hooked.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55864049689559148782009-01-15T17:07:00.000-05:002009-01-15T17:07:00.000-05:00I remember the older version of this. I liked that...I remember the older version of this. I liked that better since there was more immediacy. As far as I remember, the problem then was straying into her physical appearance too early.<BR/><BR/>The problem now is that when the narrator distances herself from the situation, she's distancing us from it as well. Keep us in the moment.S.J.Kincaidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14159000802250378161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21754921748975450322009-01-15T16:42:00.000-05:002009-01-15T16:42:00.000-05:00Pretty. Would read on.Not hooked though. Not yet. ...Pretty. Would read on.<BR/>Not hooked though. Not yet. What's the conflict? Just being in the principal's office isn't enough. I'm okay with not knowing in the first 250 words, but I'd take out some of the detail to get to it a little faster.Sarah Jensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18385403676603047861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80844642652408392032009-01-15T14:02:00.000-05:002009-01-15T14:02:00.000-05:00Doesn’t hook me…Because nothing really happens her...Doesn’t hook me…<BR/>Because nothing really happens here. It’s slow. I have no idea what the situation is. And why does the description of this principle supersede the plot or main character?Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5021168739817104862009-01-15T13:41:00.000-05:002009-01-15T13:41:00.000-05:00I like the tone and the voice of this. I'm not one...I like the tone and the voice of this. I'm not one for chick-lit type books so I like a slow build rather than having something just for shock value.<BR/><BR/>BUT, I do have to agree that it is maybe too much of Mr. Silver.<BR/><BR/>For instance, just for fun, read the piece without the entire third paragraph. You can, easily, without losing "who" Mr. Silver is. (the book is not about what he dresses like). Just find a different spot to say the name of the school.<BR/><BR/>Also, just maybe a tad too many details. -- Mr. Siver in a "defeated tone," then in the next sentence he "seems tired," and then in the next sentence he is "rubbing his eyes" and "taking a deep breath." ALL of these details = the man is worn out. You can get by with two, you don't need five.<BR/><BR/>:... Mr. Silver said, defeated, rubbing his eyes."<BR/><BR/>One aside: teens reading your book is way, way different than editors/agents reading your book. My 14 year-old niece loves my book too. Doesn't matter. She doesn't work for a publishing house. I hope none of this sounded snarky because that is not my intent. I do, do, do like this voice!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42905103242982692902009-01-15T13:30:00.000-05:002009-01-15T13:30:00.000-05:00Here's what I got from reading your passage. T...Here's what I got from reading your passage. Theodora bites her nails, the principal is a meticulous dresser, Not too many students like Mr. Silver, & Theodora is ignoring him.I would add at least one thrilling element to tease the reader and keep them reading. Good Luck!angelarenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13639436719051155045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47852191111270297222009-01-15T12:54:00.000-05:002009-01-15T12:54:00.000-05:00Just little things..."somewhat defeated" is too wo...Just little things...<BR/><BR/>"somewhat defeated" is too wordy....just "defeated" works.<BR/><BR/>Also, would kids this age use the word "approachable?" That jumped out as "too adult."<BR/><BR/>Theodora has great potential (starting with her name!) but this didn't really hook me.Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83617524743853207082009-01-15T11:27:00.000-05:002009-01-15T11:27:00.000-05:00Author here. I appreciate everyone's comments and...Author here. I appreciate everyone's comments and crits but disagree 100% on the philosophy that a book has to jar the reader in the first 250 words. A matter of opinion, I guess, as a reader. <BR/><BR/>The first chapter sucks the reader in, trust me on that - and it's a fairly short chapter. <BR/><BR/>My book, since it's a thriller, is obviously FILLED with suspenseful/thrilling/can't put the book down moments - just not in the first 250 words.<BR/><BR/>My beta readers (including ACTUAL young adults) stayed up all night reading my book - one was even late for work.<BR/><BR/>That's it. Thought I'd weigh in. Thanks for the comments.K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89016194861560047402009-01-15T10:21:00.000-05:002009-01-15T10:21:00.000-05:00I liked the opening line and when the Principal as...I liked the opening line and when the Principal asked the MC why she did it. It started out really tweaking my interest. But you didn’t hold me. I wanted to know what she had done and why. Maybe move some of the descriptions to after at least one of the answers. The descriptions are great and age appropriate, but I wanted something to sink my teeth into before I know all the kids don’t like the principal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52260303403623592842009-01-14T21:12:00.000-05:002009-01-14T21:12:00.000-05:00This didn't hook me. Well, parts of it did - like ...This didn't hook me. Well, parts of it did - like why her fingers have bandaids on them and what in the world is the bad habit she quit today.<BR/><BR/>And I agree with other critters about the details and why we need to know how is dress style. Maybe you could work that in later is we need to know it.<BR/><BR/>I wanted to be hook but it just didn't work for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72993716265902179072009-01-14T21:00:00.000-05:002009-01-14T21:00:00.000-05:00I get hooked on parts of the story - wondering wha...I get hooked on parts of the story - wondering what Theodora did, wondering about her history since she's in the office again, but I get bogged down in the details. I'm not very compelled by Mr. Silver, and he takes up most of the paragraph as well as owning the only dialog.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33864924139574397882009-01-14T20:25:00.000-05:002009-01-14T20:25:00.000-05:00Hooked! I liked this one. One thing I would sugges...Hooked! I liked this one. One thing I would suggest is to start off with the principal's line instead of just sitting--that, to me, would up the tension.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86412874415771652492009-01-14T19:57:00.000-05:002009-01-14T19:57:00.000-05:00I sorta like this.... but nothing really happens h...I sorta like this.... but nothing really happens here. There is a lot of description, and I kept skimming instead of reading.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17278427213032335572009-01-14T19:47:00.000-05:002009-01-14T19:47:00.000-05:00Love the voice, but more needs to happen to hook t...Love the voice, but more needs to happen to hook the reader.<BR/><BR/>Maybe tighten it a little too. I would read on though. I want to know what she's done wrong.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73697859828436119172009-01-14T19:23:00.000-05:002009-01-14T19:23:00.000-05:00I'm not hooked.I think you have the beginning of a...I'm not hooked.<BR/><BR/>I think you have the beginning of a good voice: "The words, 'great timing' kept rolling around in her head."<BR/><BR/>But I can't find Theodora in here. Too much Mr. Silver, not enough Theodora.<BR/><BR/>You do a good job on Theodora's internal dialogue, just make it focus on her, not the principal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88676396181725802012009-01-14T18:54:00.000-05:002009-01-14T18:54:00.000-05:00Sorry, but there's not really a hook for me here. ...Sorry, but there's not really a hook for me here. It seems to wander a lot and not get to the point. It feels like the character has potential, so I might read a little further to see if I could get interested.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69147454301452527092009-01-14T14:09:00.000-05:002009-01-14T14:09:00.000-05:00Didn't really do it for me. It sounds like a good ...Didn't really do it for me. It sounds like a good start but there's some stuff that doesn't jibe the whole school environment for me. There's too many cliched elements in this for me. A "cool" principal would dress in jeans or something like that. And too many of his actions are cliched.John Zeleznikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10301257444191880316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73535582813962330372009-01-14T13:17:00.000-05:002009-01-14T13:17:00.000-05:00The fact that this is labeled thriller/sci-fi comp...The fact that this is labeled thriller/sci-fi completely contradicts with this opening paragraph.<BR/><BR/>Though well written, this story openings like any other prep-school YA I've seen. There's nothing that draws me in or hints at the labeled genre. I'd be hard pressed to read any further.<BR/><BR/>Even if there had been one crazy line indicating the thriller tension or sci-fi imagination, I would have felt differently.Jaruciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09423622523128180916noreply@blogger.com