tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3909079912752807256..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent Contest #45Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11513109893069486452010-04-18T23:10:59.770-04:002010-04-18T23:10:59.770-04:00The light-hearted reaction to a dead body really t...The light-hearted reaction to a dead body really turned me off, especially for YA.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12754749628409313759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19843048596035566842010-04-18T00:53:43.566-04:002010-04-18T00:53:43.566-04:00Kinda fun, but I don't think this is YA.Kinda fun, but I don't think this is YA.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32623578719331916022010-04-16T19:24:31.305-04:002010-04-16T19:24:31.305-04:00I thought the dialogue worked until the police arr...I thought the dialogue worked until the police arrived. Adding the third person to the mix made it unclear at times as to who was speaking.<br /><br />I thought Lindsey could mention Kim's name in one of her earlier lines so we'd know sooner if the MC was male or female. <br /><br />And I'm wondering if you're trying to do something different and plan on doing a novel in all dialogue?<br /><br />Personally, I wasn't hooked because I'd prefer a bit more than what you've given me. If it were a play, I might reconsider.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22954655365030319042010-04-16T12:31:14.947-04:002010-04-16T12:31:14.947-04:00I have to agree with the above comments- I had a v...I have to agree with the above comments- I had a very hard time following who said what. I didn't know how old the speakers were, or where they were speaking, either (in the protagonist's house, maybe?).<br /><br />I understand that it's hard to establish who, what, where, etc. in an isolated 250-word clip of your manuscript. I'm sure if we were able to keep reading, the setting and characters would be established soon.KaraLeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05037958842051839383noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16004336439064512512010-04-16T10:48:59.677-04:002010-04-16T10:48:59.677-04:00First of all, high heels is spelled with a double ...First of all, high heels is spelled with a double E, not an EA. Unless there is some reason for this, you should probably fix that first. As a complete spelling Nazi, I found it distracting. I don't mind the dialogue TOO much, I was bothered more by the fact that there were very few dialogue tags and I had to keep reading back to see who the heck was talking. Tough to read that way...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80194870910772345672010-04-15T09:31:28.717-04:002010-04-15T09:31:28.717-04:00I agree that the dialogue got a little confusing a...I agree that the dialogue got a little confusing and you need a little more action between the spoken lines, but I'm hooked. Maybe it's because I'm a shoe buff but the Via Spiga line cracked me up. I love it.<br /><br />I love the voice, too. Evanovich fan? Just a guess. :-)Shelli Cornelisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09247205714804640362noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43287170678921782282010-04-15T08:15:37.662-04:002010-04-15T08:15:37.662-04:00You probably have the message by now - too much di...You probably have the message by now - too much dialogue, not enough grounding. :-)<br />If those problems were fixed, I'd keep reading. I like their ditzy reaction to the body.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31642368553098698022010-04-14T22:08:27.207-04:002010-04-14T22:08:27.207-04:00Sorry guys, but this does sound like YA. Yes, it ...Sorry guys, but this does sound like YA. Yes, it could be adults, but teens talk like this too. They are clever little smart a**es. And so is this dialogue. :) Although it does need a few more dialogue tags, I'm sure you'll tell us a little more about the scene now that you've hooked us, right?Anna Bankshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04216213561070725760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57020238153181032892010-04-14T21:05:51.470-04:002010-04-14T21:05:51.470-04:00Because it's a YA contest. Is it not a YA mys...Because it's a YA contest. Is it not a YA mystery? <br />The voices sound very YA to me. It's the kind of conversation I'd imagine Paris and Nicole having if they found a body in their apartment. Oh, and if Paris and Nicole had senses of humour.<br />It's very comical despite the man with the hole in his chest. More observations from Kim's point of view to locate the reader and explain the situation details and it would be a fun read. It does sent up the mystery very well, as the girl with the high end fashion sense is sure to be blamed. Wonder how she feels about prison orange?MacDibblehttp://www.macdibble.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17642411452190842452010-04-14T20:49:26.514-04:002010-04-14T20:49:26.514-04:00I like it but it needs some work. What I don'...I like it but it needs some work. What I don't understand is why people keep saying it is YA when it is clearly marked Mystery.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71736782542763661162010-04-14T20:30:49.355-04:002010-04-14T20:30:49.355-04:00From a writer's mind, the dialogue is hard to ...From a writer's mind, the dialogue is hard to follow. From a reader's frame, I like it (with appropriate fixes). It reminds me of the TV show with the young woman whose father is the former Chief of Police. It's fresh. I love the line, "Hello. Their Via Spiga pumps." <br /><br />Don't give up the dream!Sojournernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45785664393700998872010-04-14T18:30:53.879-04:002010-04-14T18:30:53.879-04:00The dialogue is really well done. I liked this. It...The dialogue is really well done. I liked this. It flowed well without any confusion on which one was speaking until "Freeze, Aurora Falls Police." That needed some intro. "Freeze," said a deep male voice or something like that.<br /><br />But even so, I have to agree with the others. The reader needs some grounding in the scene- walked across the office, the bedroom, the living room, resteraunt- what? where are we?sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33047716264006624212010-04-14T16:44:01.245-04:002010-04-14T16:44:01.245-04:00Thanks for sharing your work in such a public foru...Thanks for sharing your work in such a public forum. That takes guts.<br /><br />My comments are just a quick impression, as if I were browsing in a bookstore.<br /><br />My major issue is that this is almost all dialogue. We don't know who is conversing and whose head we are supposed to be in. The presmise of killing someone with Via Spiga pumps is funny, in a sick sort of way, but I think you ned to set the scene up before you have the conversation.Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57704561428462224362010-04-14T13:20:44.719-04:002010-04-14T13:20:44.719-04:00I think you've got a great premise here, but I...I think you've got a great premise here, but I agree with what others have said: this feels more adult than YA to me and the excessive dialogue seems like talking heads without being grounded in the scene.<br /><br />However, the dialogue itself is great. I like the idea mentioned in a previous comment about starting off with a brief description (even one sentence, just to ground the reader would do), then add a few more beats the dialogue. <br /><br />Good start!MarcyKatehttp://www.marcykate.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26920111151857228462010-04-14T12:56:47.176-04:002010-04-14T12:56:47.176-04:00So this is sort of chick lit/mystery? Not my type ...So this is sort of chick lit/mystery? Not my type of book, so I'm unfairly biased right off the bat - but nothing here makes me interested in the crime or care about the characters. (But again, being light-hearted about a person with organs spilling out doesn't appeal to me.) And perhaps a few too many names for an opening passage: Lindsay, Duncan, Kim Murphy, Miss Pembrook ...Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12760791139014326212010-04-14T12:48:29.101-04:002010-04-14T12:48:29.101-04:00Ok, so I won't dwell on the excessive dialogue...Ok, so I won't dwell on the excessive dialogue. But I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed the dialogue between the girls, the descriptive shoe, etc. Lots of potential here, just maybe a few tweeks. Break it up with some more scene descriptions maybe.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05439252335900082792noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22888794331989724162010-04-14T12:42:16.110-04:002010-04-14T12:42:16.110-04:00Too much dialogue right off the bat. The premise i...Too much dialogue right off the bat. The premise is intriguing, but right now I don't have empathy for any of the characters and I'm a little confused. Who tells them to freeze? I got lost after that point. I think if you could add in a few lines of narration here and there you would have something.Lori Folkmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12707165102926821045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53074612585150216102010-04-14T12:29:17.217-04:002010-04-14T12:29:17.217-04:00I think the dialogue between the two girls is grea...I think the dialogue between the two girls is great. But I agree with the above comments--we aren't grounded here. We have a death scene in front of us, but have no idea why the narrator is here or what her relationship to Lindsay is. We need more substance, more descriptions between the bits of dialogue. With that, I think this could work.Melhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00090711022922985649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31325577700175509112010-04-14T10:57:18.126-04:002010-04-14T10:57:18.126-04:00I like LJB's idea for a beginning. Yes, groun...I like LJB's idea for a beginning. Yes, ground the beginning and add a few tags to enhance this scene.<br /><br />Did you know that the title says "High Heals". Is it a play on words or a mistake? Heels?<br /><br />Work on it, and you'll have your hook.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28041281729433679882010-04-14T10:44:45.182-04:002010-04-14T10:44:45.182-04:00I agree with both of the above. It feels like adul...I agree with both of the above. It feels like adult characters, and there seems to be a bit too much dialog and not enough beats in between. <br /><br />I like this line "I wasn't sure which was worse, the smell or view of his organs spilled out onto his lap." and I think it would make a GREAT first line. Then the narrator can say "What did you hit him with?" and tell us how the second speaker reacted to the question and put "so-and-so said" so we know who she is.<br /><br />It's good dialog and it's interesting. It's just a bit confusing and vague.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10241452243419617827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32458000105770285302010-04-14T10:38:56.814-04:002010-04-14T10:38:56.814-04:00I feel like there is too much dialogue without eno...I feel like there is too much dialogue without enough explanation of the characters. I have trouble caring about the dead body--or MC's connection to the case because I don't feel like I know enough about any of the characters. But that is just my opinion!doodlewithmenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70680990935481926602010-04-14T09:48:20.601-04:002010-04-14T09:48:20.601-04:00This doesn't sound like YA to me. These sound ...This doesn't sound like YA to me. These sound like adult characters. It's hard to tell sine the scene is almost all dialogue. I'm not even sure who's talking or how many people are there. <br /><br />At the beginning of a scene, it's always good to give us some description to anchor us in the place and time where the story is taking place and a sense of who the characters are in the scene. <br /><br />Not hooked. <br /><br />Also I'm not sure if it's a play on words or not but if you mean shoes in your title, the correct spelling is "heels".Valerie Kemphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05795714434618357955noreply@blogger.com