tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3992810776806421890..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 17 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25781954548645351672010-01-18T12:10:27.933-05:002010-01-18T12:10:27.933-05:00Author here: Thanks a million for your comments. I...Author here: Thanks a million for your comments. I really appreciate it!<br /><br />-Meradeth<br /><br />www.MeradethHouston.comMeradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50910954795233079232010-01-13T23:26:08.820-05:002010-01-13T23:26:08.820-05:00Oooh, I want to read more. Great voice!
My finge...Oooh, I want to read more. Great voice! <br /><br />My fingers are double crossed for this one. :DStinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44455240474164379282010-01-13T17:46:36.013-05:002010-01-13T17:46:36.013-05:00This hooked me. The character's voice is reall...This hooked me. The character's voice is really good, and I liked the hint of action to come.JALeakenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65538428170031093332010-01-13T16:18:08.271-05:002010-01-13T16:18:08.271-05:00Great opening parg., particularly the last sentenc...Great opening parg., particularly the last sentence. 'crooked tooth in rows of pearly white graves.'<br /><br />It starts to falter after that. After she speaks in the second parg, you follow it up with narrative that says the same thing, and there's a tense shift there and in the third parg.<br /><br />In the fourth parg, you're telling us everything in reverse order. Create the tension in the air first, then let her have the sense that someone's there, then let her feel the breathing and jump. It'll create more tension and have more power than saying she jumped and them explaining why.<br /><br />I wouldn't read on because I don't know where you're going. Give us a hint of what's to come, or perhaps when/why/how this person died, or even who he was to her. Give me a taste so I'll come back for more.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33008885149874724242010-01-13T14:09:20.996-05:002010-01-13T14:09:20.996-05:00I was brought in by this right away. It was fantas...I was brought in by this right away. It was fantastic and I could feel her pain and disappointment. I would definitely love to read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9227876024145842482010-01-13T14:01:32.698-05:002010-01-13T14:01:32.698-05:00I really liked the beginning of this. A couple of ...I really liked the beginning of this. A couple of things stuck out in the writing, but overall I liked it and would keep reading.<br /><br />"wearing a sly smile while he waited for me" -- I'd cut 'while he waited for me' since it's redundant with the 'waiting for me' you have two sentences before.<br /><br />"I tried to explain this to the man I visited, but tonight it was only empty starlight." -- This sentence doesn't make sense to me. The two thoughts here don't seem connected.<br /><br />The first sentence of the last paragraph would be stronger if you have her jerk up and glance around, then explain that it wasn't a sound, just a feeling. The way you have it now seems out of order.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17205262482873424942010-01-13T12:49:34.180-05:002010-01-13T12:49:34.180-05:00I laughed out loud at the first line. It was terr...I laughed out loud at the first line. It was terrific, totally unexpected!<br />Felt as if I was there.<br />I'd definitely keep reading.<br />-aangela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91512362942187355912010-01-13T11:53:20.426-05:002010-01-13T11:53:20.426-05:00Very good opening line and paragraph. Pulls me in....Very good opening line and paragraph. Pulls me in. I get her sense of longing. Nice description without getting bogged down. <br /><br />Overall, this is a nice set up and I would want to read more. I'm interested in what comes next. Good job!Alyssa Kirkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05619379952262450970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84711002540222572702010-01-13T11:11:06.464-05:002010-01-13T11:11:06.464-05:00Love the first line.
A couple small things:
-The...Love the first line.<br /><br />A couple small things:<br /><br />-The tense of "I cannot stop wishing" is present but needs to be past ("I couldn't stop..."). The tense of "I tried to explain this..." is past but needs to be past perfect ("I had tried...")<br /><br />-For some reason, the words "the man I visited" made me think you meant a different man. Maybe say, "him" instead.Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40578898124532820462010-01-13T10:58:20.224-05:002010-01-13T10:58:20.224-05:00This completely rocks! Awesome writing, intriguing...This completely rocks! Awesome writing, intriguing start, fully feel in the first person protag's shoes. Nice.<br /><br />Couple things, just to polish it: "I tried to explain this to the man I visited, but tonight it was only empty starlight." This sentence confuses me - which man? And what else would the night be? A little more explanation/detail there would be nice.<br /><br />Also: "random groundskeeper"? Random seems undescriptive. And I would reword the last sentence to be more active.<br /><br />You can see, I'm picking nits here. Because it's awesome. Did I say, it rocks? It does.<br /><br />Good luck!Susan Kaye Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07348197999397141067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-113309049455702752010-01-13T10:56:16.625-05:002010-01-13T10:56:16.625-05:00Some lovely lyrical writing here. In the last para...Some lovely lyrical writing here. In the last paragraph, does she think it might be 'him'? I'm trying to figure out if she really expects him to eventually show up, in which case that would seem to be her obvious first thought, or if that's just something she says bcz she misses him so much. Would keep reading--intriguing!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50021859270056017672010-01-13T10:12:37.997-05:002010-01-13T10:12:37.997-05:00I really liked this...I could feel myself there (s...I really liked this...I could feel myself there (since it's in first person POV), kneeling and feel my jeans around my knees getting wet. Very intrigued!AmberEslernoreply@blogger.com