tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4024759515524342556..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle #14Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52294609374564227322012-01-16T02:29:45.574-05:002012-01-16T02:29:45.574-05:00I just read this again... and there's some gre...I just read this again... and there's some great stuff here.<br /><br />"Dude, what the f***?” The voice I intended to be angry comes out sounding more lazy, and husky than anything else. I’ll be annoyed when I get the feeling back into my legs."<br /><br /> Haha! Love it! Doesn't that just (stink) when we're trying to sound angry and the words are there but the tone is all wrong. Lazy and husky are awesome words for what happens when somebody's just smooched the angry out of you.Mary Jane Hathawayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17996627730074514978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53871163851003802842012-01-16T02:26:09.421-05:002012-01-16T02:26:09.421-05:00Ugh, I know everybody uses the 'F' word bu...Ugh, I know everybody uses the 'F' word but I kept cringing...<br /><br /> OTHERWISE, I loved this! I loved how she sees his feet, and his arm, coming closer... Oooh! I knew what was gonna happen! :D <br /><br /> It's really hard to write a kissing scene that isn't way over the top, or falls flat. this was a great mix of 'hot smoochie' and 'what the flip is going on', from the MC's point of view.<br /> I would read this!Mary Jane Hathawayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17996627730074514978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2647997557257218182012-01-13T12:00:01.453-05:002012-01-13T12:00:01.453-05:00Excessive stage direction. You do not need to spec...Excessive stage direction. You do not need to specify an action with every piece of dialogue.<br /><br />This will likely result in rejection because it will require too much effort on the part of the agent or editor to prepare the manuscript to be published.<br /><br />I've seen your query over on Query Shark. I applaud your dedication.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12528824662552817841noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71873439611826771112012-01-12T17:23:18.723-05:002012-01-12T17:23:18.723-05:00I read the genre and the title but then was confus...I read the genre and the title but then was confused by the snippet because this certainly reads like a romance? This is the second or third present tense entry that I've read and I'm not certain that it works well here. Minor-ish item, but I also noticed that you did not set off your "nouns of direct address" with commas. For example, comma that is bracketed should be added: "You don't have to say anything[,] Randi."Heidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02413692728205755414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1743898701224161572012-01-12T13:05:14.534-05:002012-01-12T13:05:14.534-05:00I really like this! You have great voice, nice des...I really like this! You have great voice, nice description (absolutely yummy kiss), and snappy dialogue. If you're looking for improvment, I'd suggest dropping some of the things we as the reader already know like "right now" when talking about eye contact, or "I realize I'm kissing Kevin." We know :) Great job!Shiela Calderón Blankemeierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05164253791139502033noreply@blogger.com