tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4149294068409478079..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53256320199565558232017-04-09T01:31:20.261-04:002017-04-09T01:31:20.261-04:00I loved that first line.
But overall, I thought ...I loved that first line. <br /><br />But overall, I thought this was wonderful. I could connect with the character and setting. The descriptions and voice were clear and helped me picture the girl standing on the plain and wanting for her father. The only thing I would suggest is incorporating some description to let the reader know if this character is male or female since it doesn’t say. Still, great job.<br /><br />Thanks for entering!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53735198154116392892017-04-09T01:14:22.096-04:002017-04-09T01:14:22.096-04:00Beautiful setting! I also like the pace of the lan...Beautiful setting! I also like the pace of the language.<br /><br />You might consider ending paragraph one with '... air enveloping me.' The second paragraph illustrates well the last sentence.<br /><br />I'm intrigued by this place and this narrator, waiting for his/her father and want to know more about the importance of this job.<br /><br />Nice work!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10431235733322139548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81508710520107015272017-04-07T21:04:12.146-04:002017-04-07T21:04:12.146-04:00MY apologies for a second post. Started posting m...MY apologies for a second post. Started posting my reviews before fully reading the directions, which clearly state not to post anonymously. So, in case anyone needs to know, the below post was mine.<br /><br />If this was made into a movie they would open with paragraph two, then slid into paragraph one, then put some stakes in paragraph three. Just something I noticed.<br /><br />Your paragraphs are kind of long. Cut off all the fat and your words will entice me to keep going. Wordiness makes me lose focus and interferes with the flow.<br /><br />You make me feel the cold, how alone the MC is in a vast, inhospitable place. From the words you use, I am sure this is a young girl taking on her first adult responsibilities for the family. This is all fantastic. With that said, I need a foretaste of what this story is going to be about.<br /><br />It’s a beautiful setting. Best of luck.Barbhttps://twitter.com/baacannonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75314842899437605382017-04-07T13:21:25.306-04:002017-04-07T13:21:25.306-04:00If this was made into a movie they would open with...If this was made into a movie they would open with paragraph two, then slid into paragraph one, then put some stakes in paragraph three. Just something I noticed.<br /><br />Your paragraphs are kind of long. Cut off all the fat and your words will entice me to keep going. Wordiness makes me lose focus and interferes with the flow.<br /><br />You make me feel the cold, how alone the MC is in a vast, inhospitable place. From the words you use, I am sure this is a young girl taking on her first adult responsibilities for the family. This is all fantastic. With that said, I need a foretaste of what this story is going to be about.<br /> <br />It’s a beautiful setting. Best of luck.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7446083586168653542017-04-06T18:28:08.221-04:002017-04-06T18:28:08.221-04:00Gorgeous description here. Love how you've set...Gorgeous description here. Love how you've set up the family. I feel cold reading it, the imagery is so vivid. Would love to read more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00379930611328941795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24063176141904620172017-04-06T13:33:54.632-04:002017-04-06T13:33:54.632-04:00Overall, it definitely makes me want to read more....Overall, it definitely makes me want to read more. Only a few things from me:<br /><br />I would remove the second to last sentence from the first paragraph (about breath). It seems unnecessary, especially since you explain how cold it is a lot already.<br /><br />I agree with some of the above comments regarding your MC. While I have a vague idea of their duties, I don't know how they feel, what they're thinking (other than reminiscing). Also, gender or age? I may have missed it but that might help people connect.<br /><br />Good luck!Big Taste, Small Bank Accounthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09771933733554900120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79792178524628369412017-04-06T11:40:20.430-04:002017-04-06T11:40:20.430-04:00I like your first paragraph. It has a very literar...I like your first paragraph. It has a very literary feel. I don't understand why she has to do that job before the sun comes up on the ice and not inside by a fire, but maybe that's explained later. The second paragraph is a memory. Memories are backstory. I don't think it's accomplishing what you want it to. There's so much description in the first paragraph that I think you need some action in the second to keep the reader engaged. Maybe her father could approach. Maybe one of her sisters could arrive. That way you could weave in the same information while you pick up the pace. Good luck with it! Stephanie C.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07356626642508484772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64230177582244806342017-04-06T09:47:14.628-04:002017-04-06T09:47:14.628-04:00Chills! The setting hasn't crystallized in my ...Chills! The setting hasn't crystallized in my mind, although there's a lot written about it. And I don't have a good grasp of the stakes or who the MC is. The MC's family is well understood, almost too much, where I leave the opening scene feeling like I understand them, but don't understand the MC at all, or what the MC wants. Keep going!Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75598218294854512542017-04-05T11:20:21.349-04:002017-04-05T11:20:21.349-04:00I love your opening sentences! The introduction o...I love your opening sentences! The introduction of "skyn" tells me a lot right away and the MC's internal "tugging" at something deep within is intriguing. Good job of setting the scenery. Moving the problem "I'm of an age..." to the end of the first paragraph would strengthen it, I think. Michele Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08152126207883635685noreply@blogger.com