tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post415571032000256908..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42535636007944100952010-05-22T16:32:16.399-04:002010-05-22T16:32:16.399-04:00While I LOVE the voice and writing here, I do thin...While I LOVE the voice and writing here, I do think a different opening place might work better so it's not the "same old" beginning (as others have also mentioned).<br /><br />Still, for the voice alone I would definitely keep reading. :)Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33396841733940748232010-05-22T14:50:39.178-04:002010-05-22T14:50:39.178-04:00I feel it would be more powerful of an opening if ...I feel it would be more powerful of an opening if we start with the MC doing something in school in action or confrontation. Something that's not 'typical', since the whole "walks into school, sits in office, registers for classes" is a routine and not really that important. There's also a bit of telling rather than showing, which can trip up the flow of the story.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29043622323385262682010-05-22T11:11:55.595-04:002010-05-22T11:11:55.595-04:00Not hooked, sorry. It felt too ordinary. Is there ...Not hooked, sorry. It felt too ordinary. Is there a different place you could start?Lori Folkmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12707165102926821045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-303538170999432652010-05-21T00:04:11.925-04:002010-05-21T00:04:11.925-04:00I like the title, and based on that and "Emer...I like the title, and based on that and "Emerald High," I'm assuming this has something to do with Wizard of Oz. I'd read on because I'm curious what that might be, but I think the writing could be a little tighter. <br /><br />I'd also like a little hint of why she's mad at her mom -- at least some idea of whose fault it is and if her anger is justified or not.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24391612255522547722010-05-20T11:43:50.148-04:002010-05-20T11:43:50.148-04:00I want to know more about why she's mad and le...I want to know more about why she's mad and less about the colors of the foliage she is not seeing.<br /><br />I really like the MC's voice. It has a real ring of authenticity to it. I also don't mind the first day of school because she's, essentially, joining a story already in progress. What about doing more with that -- showing us more about how she feels starting late? Or let us in on her reasons for being angry. Either (or both) have got to be more interesting than Maine trees.Ami Hendricksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16113842141579251283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67153095141026385762010-05-20T08:48:44.734-04:002010-05-20T08:48:44.734-04:00I know it's only the first page, but there was...I know it's only the first page, but there was nothing to grab me, nothing hinting about how this book won't be just another "Here's a glimpse into my life" story.Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03924194998560921694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83530391504363492372010-05-19T22:52:46.518-04:002010-05-19T22:52:46.518-04:00I love the voice, but I'd like to know more ab...I love the voice, but I'd like to know more about the MC instead of the trees. You could add them later.<br /><br />Great writing style though, so I would definitely read on.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3744979296650714952010-05-19T20:52:26.992-04:002010-05-19T20:52:26.992-04:00I like the voice, and I think the writing's so...I like the voice, and I think the writing's solid. I was thrown off only by the capitalizations of the tree names. Are those normally capitalized? (I know nothing of trees...perhaps that's very standard. But I kept wondering if the trees were capitalized because they were Very Important Trees or something like that.)<br /><br />It may be an overdone opening, first day of school, like the previous commenters said, but it still sounds fresh to me. I like it.Penelope Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04791357824874684556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79912332148445918112010-05-19T19:54:19.010-04:002010-05-19T19:54:19.010-04:00This has more of a middle grade voice to me.This has more of a middle grade voice to me.Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57104026561306456892010-05-19T18:37:53.802-04:002010-05-19T18:37:53.802-04:00I'm a big fan of Wizard of Oz and love that tw...I'm a big fan of Wizard of Oz and love that twist. You've got a great voice too. I know right away how she feels and that there's tension between her and her mom.Christina Farleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03459203755170266842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40406452136888301812010-05-19T16:55:20.585-04:002010-05-19T16:55:20.585-04:00As others have said, it's an overdone opening ...As others have said, it's an overdone opening and it's done in a very mundane way. It's very ordinary.<br /><br />I'm saying to myself - girl in a new school. Nope. I've read dozens.<br /><br />Perhaps add something to the opening to make this not so ordinary, something that will give us a clue that this is about more than a girl at a new school. If she's going to find herself, show her shy and timid here. If she's going to fall in love, show some other kids and , preferably, the kid she'll fall in love with. If she's being sent here because she's a problem child and her parents don't want her at home, show her angst. Give us something besides girl in a new school.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42297931126884717662010-05-19T14:48:36.778-04:002010-05-19T14:48:36.778-04:00I agree that the first day of school opening is a ...I agree that the first day of school opening is a bit overdone, but I like your MC's voice.Kelly Hashwayhttp://www.kellyhashway.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36798475093503420032010-05-19T12:07:13.193-04:002010-05-19T12:07:13.193-04:00The first day of school opening wouldn't be en...The first day of school opening wouldn't be enough to grab me, but I'm just hooked enough by the Wizard of Oz references that I'd want to keep reading and find out where this is going. But I would hope that the protagonist cheers up just a bit, because I'm not sure if I could read a whole book with someone being so grouchy. That's probably a matter of personal taste, though.<br /><br />The tree descriptions seem a little off; I think just because the rest of the passage is so sparse on description - we don't know what the school looks like, or the office, or the lady at the desk, so the details about the trees seem a little out of place. Otherwise, solid writing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63755258707264664432010-05-19T10:59:03.376-04:002010-05-19T10:59:03.376-04:00First impression. I thought she was being dropped ...First impression. I thought she was being dropped off at home. I saw the "first day" part and it didn't immediately register. It talks about her halfway to the front door, and I pictured her on her front walk of her home. By the fourth paragraph I fully understand what's happening. This story could have potential, a lot of possibilities here, but maybe the specific introduction of the school could happen sooner to immediately establish a setting. Really, you could almost cut out the first three paragraphs or at least bump those somewhere behind. I would start with the fourth paragraph. It's tight and gives you a setting that makes your reader glad to be out of high school. Very glad.JKWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63722012858132342452010-05-19T10:31:56.292-04:002010-05-19T10:31:56.292-04:00I agree with the first commenter.
Edit and revise...I agree with the first commenter.<br /><br />Edit and revise! (lots of fun)<br /><br />Good luck with SA!Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04372612203349863638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32185505710192399382010-05-19T09:33:02.728-04:002010-05-19T09:33:02.728-04:00I like the writing but there is a tiny bit too muc...I like the writing but there is a tiny bit too much telling in your opening. You should be showing us she's mad, not stating it (twice). Also, the description of the grassy patch doesn't seem to flow well as positioned.Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67951529305071491442010-05-19T09:24:28.718-04:002010-05-19T09:24:28.718-04:00I'm not a big fan of first-day-of-school openi...I'm not a big fan of first-day-of-school openings, simply because I've read too many, but I love the voice and the writing. I would definitely keep reading. *thumbs-up*Lacey J Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17930985573303127061noreply@blogger.com