tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4217048741940755520..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 28 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20523833395343358782009-08-22T15:06:33.760-04:002009-08-22T15:06:33.760-04:00And I'll add that I LOVE the title.And I'll add that I LOVE the title.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85356895029209865112009-08-22T15:05:12.852-04:002009-08-22T15:05:12.852-04:00This is great, so far. I'd definitely keep rea...This is great, so far. I'd definitely keep reading and would likely request the first 50 pages if the query letter indicated a good story. Military-themed commercial fiction, especially romance, definitely has a strong market. There was plenty of action here; clear, simple language; good characterization. Well done!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51386226374700961312009-08-21T20:16:55.959-04:002009-08-21T20:16:55.959-04:00Good work in my opinion! Well done!Good work in my opinion! Well done!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16557129785757120462009-08-21T18:07:10.779-04:002009-08-21T18:07:10.779-04:00Hi guys! Thought I'd come on and address the p...Hi guys! Thought I'd come on and address the perimeter of Heath's irises since it was brought up more than once. Heath is actually endowed with the ability to see through things, and when he is using his gift, a thin ring around his iris glows. I've changed it now to make it clear that he is actually looking into Ryan's head for injuries and his irises are glowing. Thanks for pointing that out to me...this is why I love this blog! Thanks to everyone who commented.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68905092760041781922009-08-21T17:37:32.803-04:002009-08-21T17:37:32.803-04:00Hooked. Your opening paragraph gave me a sense of ...Hooked. Your opening paragraph gave me a sense of the surroundings and also enticed me to read on to learn how Ryan screwed up. And I, for one, loved Diesel's python arms. I was a little turned off by that reference to "the perimeter of Heath's irises," though. Wouldn't just "Heath's irises" suffice, since the iris already forms a natural perimeter around the pupil of the eye?Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81499125561347476052009-08-21T12:19:39.305-04:002009-08-21T12:19:39.305-04:00I like it!I like it!Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27100465728028752009-08-20T14:40:26.387-04:002009-08-20T14:40:26.387-04:00What happened before this would be a much better ...What happened before this would be a much better place to start. <br /><br />Putting your POV character in mortal danger is a definite hook. Having him sitting with a knocked noggin is not.Marilynn Byerlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16720129999636676998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74314004023417400962009-08-20T00:59:45.785-04:002009-08-20T00:59:45.785-04:00This has some snappy writing, and I high five you ...This has some snappy writing, and I high five you for getting the word "dilapidated" in there. Awesome!<br /><br />Not sure I'm completely hooked, but I'd read more to see where this was heading.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31896955832907500332009-08-19T16:39:54.940-04:002009-08-19T16:39:54.940-04:00Hmm. I'm intrigued but thought things like &qu...Hmm. I'm intrigued but thought things like "python" arms and "perimter of Heath's irises" to be a bit much. I'm also interested in that Kathleen finds other stuff "overwritten" but is okay with this one. I'm interested because I'm perplexed, at times, by reader's likes/dislikes and wonder if they are consistent. Anyway, I'd read on.Sue Tnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46172737148517173152009-08-19T16:27:03.783-04:002009-08-19T16:27:03.783-04:00Yup, I'd want to read on.
I agree with other c...Yup, I'd want to read on.<br />I agree with other comments that some of your word choices are a little jarring.<br />Loved the last line.sue laybournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41673474684614269632009-08-19T13:50:15.353-04:002009-08-19T13:50:15.353-04:00Intrigued, but watch the adverb use. I would ask t...Intrigued, but watch the adverb use. I would ask to read more.Valerie Gearyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165554338889917253noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47428107887915139682009-08-19T13:32:53.669-04:002009-08-19T13:32:53.669-04:00I'm a go on this one. The first paragraph hoo...I'm a go on this one. The first paragraph hooked me--good and hard. Blasted 250 words, was he being sarcastic with his last sentence? LOLMeghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49712507678003786502009-08-19T13:28:35.503-04:002009-08-19T13:28:35.503-04:00This is interesting and I would keep reading. How...This is interesting and I would keep reading. However, for me, parts of it felt a bit awkward for want of a better word.'A headache pounded through his head.' and 'Queasiness squirming through his stomach.' Either queasiness or squirming would do, I think. 'His heart practically beat through his chest.' <br />Also, if the corporal is the MC's partner, Lieutenant Diesel wouldn't be a 'superior' officer, he'd simply be an officer?<br />Having said all that, I like the writing and would definitely read on. Hooked.eliza dolittlenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67541519583382617132009-08-19T12:55:10.215-04:002009-08-19T12:55:10.215-04:00Yes---ish. I'm curious about the setting and t...Yes---ish. I'm curious about the setting and the whos and whys the guy was getting mugged. <br /><br />I <i>was</i> squinting at word choices here and there, like the listenedx3 and 'python' arms, and such.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36563536483554705732009-08-19T12:50:59.236-04:002009-08-19T12:50:59.236-04:00I really like the way you showed the scene around ...I really like the way you showed the scene around Ryan, through his POV...through thoughts and impressions.<br /><br />The line, "Check over" struck me as odd. Is that how a soldier and officer would say that?<br /><br />What is "the perimeter of Heath's irises?" Are you talking about his eyes, literally? If so, I think that (and the "like blue flame") is overwritten.<br /><br />Would I keep reading? I think, for this story, I would, because I feel like it needs more story for me to decide if I like it or not.Kathleen MacIverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02263212018219137277noreply@blogger.com