tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4291236213481611389..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #38Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83537382797978461422011-09-24T14:02:43.383-04:002011-09-24T14:02:43.383-04:00You seem to have a very rich world here and I'...You seem to have a very rich world here and I'm intrigued to learn more about it. What does it mean to "choose humanity?" What happened to Sandulf? What's the ceremony? I want to know. :)<br /><br />With such a complex world, though, you need to be careful how much you front-load. By the end of the page, my head was spinning with all the new, unexplained things. Try focusing on the things she(?)'s experiencing that any human can understand. Anxiety, fear, worry for Sandulf, etc. Slip in the world-building a bit more slowly.<br /><br />Good job.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55594517036771357242011-09-24T06:52:06.674-04:002011-09-24T06:52:06.674-04:00I think this would be stronger if you didn't r...I think this would be stronger if you didn't reveal her decision in the first sentence. Leave us wondering what she has decided that is so important.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59775586100792147872011-09-21T18:00:56.003-04:002011-09-21T18:00:56.003-04:00Good hook.
Maybe delete: "The short window.....Good hook.<br /><br />Maybe delete: "The short window...fell to shreds."<br /><br />You can feel the pack hierarchy.<br /><br />I would read on.French Ladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15095515033768206864noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77941114937168055762011-09-21T17:00:33.194-04:002011-09-21T17:00:33.194-04:00I thought this was strong. You should read it out ...I thought this was strong. You should read it out loud to catch some flaws in the writing, but overall I think you did a good job setting up your characters. She has a strong voice which I find likable and I like the set-up with her walking in and seeing him all bloodied up.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22111433699751494292011-09-21T16:30:08.900-04:002011-09-21T16:30:08.900-04:00I agree with the above. Also, there is a sentence ...I agree with the above. Also, there is a sentence fragment that totally threw me: "A girl can only rev herself up for so long, and why I insisted on meeting the pack during my lunch break." I think it needs to be: "A girl can only rev herself up for so long, and THIS IS why I insisted on meeting the pack during my lunch break."<br />good luck.Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45208167145501548782011-09-21T14:55:51.696-04:002011-09-21T14:55:51.696-04:00This sounds like an interesting premise. I would t...This sounds like an interesting premise. I would think she'd recognize the man in front of the fire right off since she went to see him, and she'd maybe name him then, instead of guess at who the figure is. Maybe mention she wasn't sure who the figure was because of the lighting. Also, the descriptions felt a little forced to me at times. Such as, "His brow lowered atop mine,and I tasted his scent..." I just couldn't visualize what was happening here. Maybe simplify and make your descriptions clearer? I hope this helps - Good luck! <3Brenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42676937223916610562011-09-21T14:47:08.092-04:002011-09-21T14:47:08.092-04:00Not much is happening. Maybe add more action and d...Not much is happening. Maybe add more action and don't have independent body parts moving, e.g., his brow lowered. maybe, he lowered his head?Carolynnoreply@blogger.com