tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4386907741671870820..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent Contest #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75580680473487591202010-04-18T23:22:47.000-04:002010-04-18T23:22:47.000-04:00I'm hooked. Love the voice and the picture you...I'm hooked. Love the voice and the picture you paint of the characters and how different they are.Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16676961526157560787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75080051562887579942010-04-18T17:23:26.498-04:002010-04-18T17:23:26.498-04:00I like it, although I agree that talking to the re...I like it, although I agree that talking to the reader generally turns me off right away. One thing high schoolers might question - why would the school allow them to be in the office alone? Trust me, secretaries can hold it forever when it comes to protecting their stuff (I'm a teacher and never left alone in there ;)Erica75https://www.blogger.com/profile/11956911792756252381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92228972085962833772010-04-18T14:40:30.774-04:002010-04-18T14:40:30.774-04:00I'm hooked. I want to know more about the fam...I'm hooked. I want to know more about the family and why they have a reputation and how the MC is different and what The Gregori Incident is and why they are in the principal's office. Nice!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21111899120508281802010-04-15T18:34:52.407-04:002010-04-15T18:34:52.407-04:00I really like this, too! Great voice.
I did stop...I really like this, too! Great voice. <br /><br />I did stop between paragraphs 1 and 2. It felt like a shift to me, but fun characters! I'd definitely read on.Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54547699044378839322010-04-15T14:49:15.585-04:002010-04-15T14:49:15.585-04:00I think the voice is great and I like how differen...I think the voice is great and I like how different she (?) appears to be from her twin brother. My only concern is that he'll be a cliche. I hope not!Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15498766421459190134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21146149550876788122010-04-15T00:48:53.992-04:002010-04-15T00:48:53.992-04:00Thanks for posting your work on such a public form...Thanks for posting your work on such a public form. That takes guts.<br /><br />I like the name Dima, and mention of the Grigori incident intrigues me. But I felt the narrator's voice was just too sanguine.<br /><br />Also, "What's wrong with my jacket?" sounds a bit tame coming from the school's biggest bad boy.Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75550848700731502772010-04-15T00:48:27.029-04:002010-04-15T00:48:27.029-04:00Ha, I love it. You are going to have to tell me wh...Ha, I love it. You are going to have to tell me who she is soon - (I am guessing they're fraternal & she's a girl...) but right now I am getting a pretty good picture of her based on how she's describing Dima. <br /><br />"Playing at his lips" was the only line that tripped me up, it's cheezy.<br /><br />Very funny and I wanted to keep reading for sure.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27956254489293410202010-04-14T19:40:05.620-04:002010-04-14T19:40:05.620-04:00Close to hooking me. Dima seems a bit of a cliche ...Close to hooking me. Dima seems a bit of a cliche - I'm assuming the narrator is his sister. ...<i>faint smile playing at his lips</i> is a bit romance-novelly ... <i>The Gregori Incident</i> is intriguing.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57954289259671925072010-04-14T17:12:52.750-04:002010-04-14T17:12:52.750-04:00Interesting start. I liked the voice of your MC, ...Interesting start. I liked the voice of your MC, but I don't know if it's a he or a she. Adding identical or fraternal to 'twin brother' could fix that, or your MC could do/think something that would indicate male/female.<br /><br />I didn't like the first paragraph because your MC is talking to me, and that's generally a turnoff. It's not story. It's an explanation of things you could make evident thru action and dialogue.<br /><br />The brother isn't as well defined. I get an image of him, but no sense of who he is. Perhaps let him speak sooner, after he's told to get his feet down. Giving him a voice sooner could help define him more.<br /><br />I'd give it a bit more to see why they're in the principal's office. The 'why' would probably determine whether or not I read more.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84484973677255345372010-04-14T16:29:27.862-04:002010-04-14T16:29:27.862-04:00I loved the description of the leather jacket.
...I loved the description of the leather jacket. <br /><br />Some of the language seems slightly formal to me, like "Does he not realize," for a teenager.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12754749628409313759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40969807524805190422010-04-14T13:36:15.226-04:002010-04-14T13:36:15.226-04:00I really like this. i got a good sense of both the...I really like this. i got a good sense of both the narrator and his brother and I definitely want to know what they did and what's going to happen next. Hooked!Valerie Kemphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05795714434618357955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50598137480083872602010-04-14T13:12:51.246-04:002010-04-14T13:12:51.246-04:00I'm not a huge fan of present tense (IMO it re...I'm not a huge fan of present tense (IMO it requires a non-stop action type of story to hold up well), and the narrator "talking" to the reader in the first paragraph was odd for me. Having said that, I do like the narrative voice. I might give it a little more, but I have a feeling the present tense would grate on me after a while since there is no sign of massive action coming.Selestialhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11513212631394350304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8859493734523084272010-04-14T11:32:21.453-04:002010-04-14T11:32:21.453-04:00I really liked it. I wondered why a teenager would...I really liked it. I wondered why a teenager would be paying taxes (maybe that's a US thing?) and whether the narrator was a girl or boy. Would definitely read on.Keren Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13121027210783177857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18847287325626921562010-04-14T09:45:16.010-04:002010-04-14T09:45:16.010-04:00I like this, I like this a lot. The personality of...I like this, I like this a lot. The personality of the narrator comes through perfectly, at least as far as I can tell. However, that first paragraph starts things out a bit slowly. I like the point in conveys, but it felt a little cliche to break the fourth wall in the first sentence. And that line about the jacket at the end? I loved it. Great characterization and description.Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16495850430613124052010-04-14T09:23:00.950-04:002010-04-14T09:23:00.950-04:00I can't find a single thing negative to say. I...I can't find a single thing negative to say. I just want to note that I have a friend named Dima(Dimitri), and he immediately popped into my head reading this, and he so fits your description. Love it!Lacey J Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17930985573303127061noreply@blogger.com