tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4420661721084320675..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #16Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75846161982436309652013-03-30T16:13:54.659-04:002013-03-30T16:13:54.659-04:00I love your writing. I actually felt cold reading ...I love your writing. I actually felt cold reading your description.<br /><br />To me, it felt like this was a scene from slightly further into the story. I'm not sure how to address that, and it didn't seem to bother anyone else, but I wanted to mention it. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06319561838973256037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63550871514535196912013-03-29T11:16:46.256-04:002013-03-29T11:16:46.256-04:00I think this has potential. I like the immediate c...I think this has potential. I like the immediate conflict about whether they'll freeze and the interactions between Nolan and Kris.<br /><br />But I'd like to see more of the tension Nolan is feeling come through -- he seems very calm about possibly freezing, which makes him seem a little distant. I'm also not sure starting with the lengthy description of how he's feeling is working -- I need a general statement about how cold it is, or something, to help me put those reactions in context.<br /><br />But with some modifications I think this could be a very strong opening.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27382877673664913002013-03-28T00:28:08.351-04:002013-03-28T00:28:08.351-04:00Some of the wording in the first paragraph is defi...Some of the wording in the first paragraph is definitely a little awkward, but I love the imagery in the second paragraph. Kris's cracked lip is a great touch, and completely brings me into the scene. I don't just think it's cold where they are, I KNOW how cold it is. Perhaps you could do the same in the first paragraph, focus on his fingers and bring out more hard hitting imagery. Maybe his fingers are so cold he can barely get his gloves off (was he wearing gloves?) Or so cold he can't even bend them?<br />Also, I think I'd rather find out on my own that the fire was magical through the dialog, rather than you outright telling me. I feel like Kris's line after she snorts would have a little more power and surprise then. <br />Great job setting up the stakes, and the dialog was excellent. I really enjoyed this, and hope to be able to read more. As the saying goes, I'd turn the page! Mythology Mixologisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02554697225490397183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49620556937229109242013-03-27T23:39:44.206-04:002013-03-27T23:39:44.206-04:00Annette makes a good point about some of the phras...Annette makes a good point about some of the phrases regarding the fact that they distance the reader from the MC. <br /><br />However, I would still definitely read on because I think you have something excellent here.<br /><br />Good job and much luck! Alleged Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04869021184116123477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66393408153483969252013-03-27T17:12:38.868-04:002013-03-27T17:12:38.868-04:00I enjoyed this but think you could tighten up your...I enjoyed this but think you could tighten up your writing a bit. <br /><br />Ex - 'felt as though they were' could simply be 'felt'<br /><br />Also, phrases like 'he felt like...' and 'Nolan could see' are distancing. You could bring it closer to Nolan by writing 'He needed sleep, but if he lay down right now, he'd wake up with...' and 'By the firelight, Kris' breath misted in front of her...' <br />But I'm curious about their predicament and would read on. AnnetteGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68572349863559916292013-03-27T13:14:04.632-04:002013-03-27T13:14:04.632-04:00Beautiful writing--I found myself right in the sce...Beautiful writing--I found myself right in the scene with them. I also really, REALLY like your title. I'd definitely read on. Good luck!Julia Byershttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com