tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4471741873443084740..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle #2Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67771054201710409682013-12-19T19:20:25.970-05:002013-12-19T19:20:25.970-05:00I really like the rose, the ribbon, the black eye....I really like the rose, the ribbon, the black eye. I agree with KG that emotion is the missing ingredient. Robnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54066094661917606312013-12-19T14:19:54.039-05:002013-12-19T14:19:54.039-05:00It's a good start but I'm missing some mor...It's a good start but I'm missing some more emotions.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74714012957692645222013-12-18T10:23:44.369-05:002013-12-18T10:23:44.369-05:00I like the bit about the black eye, that sounds in...I like the bit about the black eye, that sounds interesting. <br /><br />Other than the break in tense that someone else already pointed out, I have little to complain about other than feeling kinda blah about this. <br /><br />Obviously I'm coming into it cold, but it seems like you could use this as a pretty dramatic moment both with the protagonist's disappointment and in her interactions with the others. As is, the things everyone says and does are pretty much exactly what you'd expect, they give no particular insight into any of the characters, and add little to the narrative. <br /><br />It feels like you're missing an opportunity here, or maybe you just need to gloss over the predictable responses of the others and focus on the protag's emotions and on the bit with the coworker and the rose. As is I have a feeling this bit just drags down the pace and intensity of an important moment. Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82612918320353714892013-12-18T10:05:17.054-05:002013-12-18T10:05:17.054-05:00Nice! I'd want to find out about the black eye...Nice! I'd want to find out about the black eye. I felt the protagonist's yearning to have just the right kind of comfort, and I got the impression that the simple flower was just what she needed. <br /><br />One tense issue I noticed - if you're writing in the present, then it should be "I reach down and pull off one shoe" rather than pulled. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50224436737650228332013-12-18T09:44:27.470-05:002013-12-18T09:44:27.470-05:00I love this. The voice, the writing, the small tou...I love this. The voice, the writing, the small touches--all of it brings us into the scene and into your character's thoughts and emotions.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.com