tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4521322984049217651..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Death #6Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3493981568327640822020-09-24T09:18:56.359-04:002020-09-24T09:18:56.359-04:00nice!
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Also you use the chest and the heart a lot. need to cut down to the best description and pull or replace the others. Also the two characters both beginning with V kind of grated as well.<br /><br />However, that being said on the technical end of things, you did get your emotion into 250 words in wonderful fashion and the intervention of the wolf I followed easily, which allowed you to concentrate on the death itself.<br /><br />If you cut above, you would have had extra word count to use on the death itself... eyes rolled back again is fairly common, but you could add the complete loss of his muscle control, his head dropping heavily into her hands, the last gasp or sign of breath leaving him. The slap bothered me at the end. I'd rather have had it end with her burying her face in his neck, her hands trying to stem the blood---something to bring the focus back on the MC who survives. <br /><br />Just my thoughts. Nice job. Authoress picked a difficult topic within a short word count. You were more than up to the task! Congrats!Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8579713897139818762010-06-09T21:47:06.483-04:002010-06-09T21:47:06.483-04:00This has a lot of potential but needs a bit of a r...This has a lot of potential but needs a bit of a rewrite to rethink a few word choices and figures of speech. Forex, the line about the racing heart trying to break free and the fire burning her face and pouring from her eyes. Just didn't work for me as a reader. The tears mixing on his lips seemed a bit melodramatic to me as well - understatement can sometimes be more powerful.Miss Aspiranthttp://susannalund.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62899556024626506122010-06-09T19:16:06.425-04:002010-06-09T19:16:06.425-04:00I also think you captured the emotion well, but so...I also think you captured the emotion well, but some of the phrasings were a little awkward. The beginning sentence of the third paragraph could be broken up into segments to show the action better. Just a suggestion.Ann Brysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06003635203935638760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70746356392951501062010-06-09T17:01:25.484-04:002010-06-09T17:01:25.484-04:00There's a little too much telling here, I thin...There's a little too much telling here, I think. But I loved the emotion, it was very real. Good job!Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79043069617777148032010-06-09T13:32:24.959-04:002010-06-09T13:32:24.959-04:00Great potential, but I agree with DavidSimon4449 t...Great potential, but I agree with DavidSimon4449 that a bit of rewriting will turn this into an amazing piece. I love the setting and characters, but I felt the sentences didn't flow together as smoothly as they should. I wish I could be more specific - I just felt like I was reading the words rather than being sucked into the story. Best wishes because I think you're definitely nearly there.braukeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08058656200541303409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61979563775381212692010-06-09T12:20:01.599-04:002010-06-09T12:20:01.599-04:00You have some nicely visceral writing here, but sl...You have some nicely visceral writing here, but sloppy word choices detract from the mood, ie:<br />"Despite my fleeting speed" is awkward; I think fleet would work better.<br />"The blood drained from my face" is something others may see, not you.<br />"The fire in my chest kick-started" reads to me like a mixed metaphor.<br />"A black shadow darted passed", passed should be past.DavidSimon4449https://www.blogger.com/profile/09636253769665740019noreply@blogger.com