tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4546954689645146595..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Two (MG Fiction) #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53388562443355361562014-02-13T19:28:18.818-05:002014-02-13T19:28:18.818-05:00I'm hooked! I don't have any problem with ...I'm hooked! I don't have any problem with the prologue from Mallory's Guide. I can visualise it as a facsimile of the actual page - like an illustration.<br />I think you should've taken out a few words beforehand so that you could've put us out of our misery - and included what was at the bottom of the page, haha. :)Sheryl Gwytherhttp://sherylgwyther.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35156987736466959962014-02-13T10:06:20.993-05:002014-02-13T10:06:20.993-05:00I love this. I'm definitely hooked. My favorit...I love this. I'm definitely hooked. My favorite parts were the opening line and her being more upset about her soccer game. The two things I didn't like as much were the "prologue" advertisement of the castle and all the little parenthetical clauses. <br /><br />I think the advertisement part is unnecessary. You tell us what we need to know right up front in the actual story and the other bits and pieces can be woven it. I also think parenthetical phrases make a story extremely hard to read, are often unnecessary and make writing feel unpolished. My rule is, if you can't work it into the text in a smooth natural way, then it should be left out. The bit about her tap shoes being her only black shoes could easily be worked into the text and would be much easier to read that way. Plus, it's a fun detail. The part about solicitors and bannisters might be harder to work in at this point in the story. Give it a try and if it feels heavy-handed then leave it out. That information really isn't needed here if you can't find a smoother way to deliver it. <br /><br />Good luck. I enjoyed this and would have read further.HeidiSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18944161925901665872014-02-12T17:04:50.201-05:002014-02-12T17:04:50.201-05:00No fair! I want to know what was at the bottom of ...No fair! I want to know what was at the bottom of the page!! I liked this right away, but then I'm a nut for English history. I hope your book works in a lot of real history and facts in along with the fiction! Unless you made up the whole Malory's Guide to Britain about Overton Keep Inn, too.<br /><br />Nicely written, too! My only suggestion is to make the explanation of why Emily's wearing her flouncy dress the second sentence. And you might move ("her only black shoes") to right after "tap shoes." <br /><br />Good job!MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6798334218242522862014-02-12T15:07:22.459-05:002014-02-12T15:07:22.459-05:00I think it stopped at just the right point where w...I think it stopped at just the right point where we wanted to know what was going on, so that's a good sign :) I love the situation, it sounds lovely. I think your description is there, you character stands out and is likable, and I love London. I would read for sure. Creel Familyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15029252970974284330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22623810127793293392014-02-12T12:16:23.189-05:002014-02-12T12:16:23.189-05:00I liked the part about her more upset about missin...I liked the part about her more upset about missing her soccer game than the funeral since she never met her great grandmother. That rings true to most MG aged kids. ESWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15766522997805884712014-02-12T12:00:52.639-05:002014-02-12T12:00:52.639-05:00This was really good. For some reason the word fra...This was really good. For some reason the word frazzled when describing the solicitor's hands bothered me. There was no apparent reason for him to be frazzled. It pulled me out of the story to wonder why he was frazzled.<br />MargotGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55215471256300794552014-02-12T11:50:00.535-05:002014-02-12T11:50:00.535-05:00Ooh, I am hooked. Great opening. I might like a li...Ooh, I am hooked. Great opening. I might like a little bit more interior observations from your MC and some way to work in her name. But this is really nice.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04621339612834832188noreply@blogger.com