tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4673540462169426439..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: 24 Query ContestAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24663020061496687972009-08-01T17:14:40.092-04:002009-08-01T17:14:40.092-04:00The paragraph about being hunted took too long to ...The paragraph about being hunted took too long to make its point. I like the idea, but get right to the meat of the idea, rather than repeat yourself; I'd be afraid the manuscript might read the same way.<br /><br />I'd also move the title to the first paragraph, along with the wordcount. (Or move all that down.) I usually look for those to be together, and when they're not...I thought you didn't have a title.<br /><br />The future tense in the blurb kind of threw me. Most are just in past (for backstory) and present (for the current story). You do want to be noticed for being different, but...you don't want to be *too* different. :)<br /><br />I'm not really a fairy fan, but I'd probably read more of this to see how the writing held up. I like what I've seen so far, but I'd definitely hope something more happens on page two.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-339253952913210792009-08-01T12:20:53.620-04:002009-08-01T12:20:53.620-04:00Please don't apologize for your work.
Better ...Please don't apologize for your work.<br /><br />Better to revise and make your query shine and show more action. As it stands, it's a bit boring and I didn't read on. Show us some specifics in your query.<br /><br />Good luckusvoternoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86852188893173044962009-08-01T00:30:33.114-04:002009-08-01T00:30:33.114-04:00I was hooked enough to read through the first part...I was hooked enough to read through the first part of the query but began to get bogged down in the third paragraph. There's a lot of info but the main conflict isn't clear. What's the point of Aline's search? I don't see a convincing reason for why she puts herself at risk.<br /><br />I was about to pass but then skipped ahead to the partial and was impressed by the writing. There was enough of interest here that if I were an agent I would ask to see more. If the query's problems are addressed I would say this has a good chance of going somewhere.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18572548650018840332009-07-31T04:22:52.331-04:002009-07-31T04:22:52.331-04:00I'm not hooked. When you wrote "Try being...I'm not hooked. When you wrote "Try being hunted for a day", I thought, "No thanks." Then it seemed to take a really long time for you to get to your point, that your MC is a half breed who has to run around the world of faery to find magical objects? It wasn't a strong enough hook to make me read the sample page.brimfirehttp://brimfire.livejournal.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53303844798818130302009-07-29T18:01:24.331-04:002009-07-29T18:01:24.331-04:00I thought this was good overall, both the query an...I thought this was good overall, both the query and the sample. I'd leave out the bit about hoping your work is up to the standards of Jodi and Kippy though. I think it sounds a bit apologetic. Just the first part of the sentence about hoping it's a good fit is enough.<br /><br />I thought the second paragraph was very good, but would be stronger with the removal of most of the 'that's. I also think there's some good advice in the comments about the third paragraph of the query.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91632169128543313452009-07-29T17:01:35.562-04:002009-07-29T17:01:35.562-04:00I really felt the first paragraph was awkward. You...I really felt the first paragraph was awkward. You're switching from being hunted one day to being hunted every day. I had to read it several times to figure out what you were trying to say. <br /><br />I hope this helps and good luck!A.L. Sonnichsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37210967435161250452009-07-29T16:34:26.268-04:002009-07-29T16:34:26.268-04:00You hooked me with the first paragraph of your blu...You hooked me with the first paragraph of your blurb (Try being hunted...) but then you lost me with the second paragraph, which is not only too long (you could easily break it up into two paragraphs) and vague (she chases objects, unlocks her unspecified dual nature, and travels). What if you cut everything after "...both sides to her heritage" and then tell us what the heroine's primary conflict and primary story goal are?Daria Drakenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15621479527944416902009-07-29T15:47:18.299-04:002009-07-29T15:47:18.299-04:00Hooked.
I'm curious about the MC's age. I ...Hooked.<br />I'm curious about the MC's age. I found the third paragraph a bit wordy and confusing but I like this kind of story so I read the first page. <br /><br />I'd lose the first paragraph and even the first line of the second. The "metallic tang of fear" is where I became interested.Alyssa Kirkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05619379952262450970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62785496002552285342009-07-29T15:05:03.574-04:002009-07-29T15:05:03.574-04:00Hooked. They both caught my attention, and I would...Hooked. They both caught my attention, and I would probably read it to find out what happens.<br /><br />Good luck!Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15364100717989701019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12983845581097269612009-07-29T13:00:50.534-04:002009-07-29T13:00:50.534-04:00Query: Yes. Hooked....
Fairies aren't my thi...Query: Yes. Hooked.... <br /><br />Fairies aren't my thing... I'd really hope you give the 'faery' a different spin than the usual.<br /><br />Snippet: Yes, hooked.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74843728266080008912009-07-29T12:49:12.519-04:002009-07-29T12:49:12.519-04:00I'm not hooked. The second paragraph starts of...I'm not hooked. The second paragraph starts off well but it gets a little repetitive. Also, I'd care a little more about Aine (great name, by the way) if I knew more about this heritage that she claims. You could probably leave out some details about what she's going to do because they all jumble together until nothing stands out.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26883500261479111052009-07-29T12:05:34.535-04:002009-07-29T12:05:34.535-04:00I really enjoyed the set-up in the "Try being...I really enjoyed the set-up in the "Try being hunted for a day" paragraph, but you kind of lost me in the next paragraph, where it seemed like a lot of information without any specifics was being thrown at me. Regardless, I was curious enough to read on and did find your 250 words intrigueing. I would read on.Kate Karyus Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10497822990262820042009-07-29T11:05:22.129-04:002009-07-29T11:05:22.129-04:00Pretty good. Not necessarily my cup of tea though...Pretty good. Not necessarily my cup of tea though. I feel like you can nix the entire first paragraph of the query, or most of it.<br /><br />I wasn't hooked enough to keep reading, but that may very well be because I don't generally read this genre.Anthony Rapinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11581208296144295224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15720114590430150912009-07-29T11:04:58.317-04:002009-07-29T11:04:58.317-04:00I'm hooked by the query. It feels a bit like M...I'm hooked by the query. It feels a bit like Melissa Marr and Suzanne Collins. On to the pages...<br /><br />There was a lot of description in that first page, but you do maintain a hint of fear and good voice with that final "Lucky her." Although I think some more white space would work to your advantage with these pages, I would read more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.com