tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post468459490620406737..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1246496916032599542015-01-16T15:46:55.817-05:002015-01-16T15:46:55.817-05:00I really like your opening and agree with several ...I really like your opening and agree with several of the previous comments. The only thing I'll add is I have a question about how violent this stepfather gets. It struck me as okay when he was slamming things around, but at the end I was uncertain whether he was actually physically abusive. In which case your MC's sort of dark humor would't work for me. Overall, I enjoyed reading it. Good luck!Lisa B.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5079473162223770132015-01-16T10:32:04.127-05:002015-01-16T10:32:04.127-05:00Great, voice-driven opening line that feels authen...Great, voice-driven opening line that feels authentically teen. I’m not sure that “empty shrew” sounds entirely authentic though from the stepfather, as shrew isn’t much of a commonly used modern term. But I do like the use of “hisses”—he seems like a snake in more than one way! This dark humor seems like a good fit for a thriller, and intertwining that with suspense as the story progresses could be great. I’m not getting much mystery or suspense from the sample, so I’d make sure that comes into play soon from the first chapter, as it’s so important to the genre.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28220361119199967622015-01-16T05:37:01.364-05:002015-01-16T05:37:01.364-05:00Great opening lines. The descriptions of the figh...Great opening lines. The descriptions of the fight and the view inside the character's head are solid. The dialogue doesn't seem to have the emotional intensity to match though - especially the step dad's. MikeMnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67638602633320296702015-01-14T22:30:59.764-05:002015-01-14T22:30:59.764-05:00I agree with the comments above that he opening co...I agree with the comments above that he opening could be tightened up and stronger. If this is mainly a mystery, then I think the current tone works well, but if there's a big thriller element I think it would be great if there was sort of an ominous tone from the start. As it currently is, it sounds like this fight is normal, and if it's normal then I don't sense anything dangerous looming. I know it's just the first 250 words and it could be coming soon, but maybe you could start with how this fight seems different than all the rest. Then we still know right away that they fight all the time, but we also have a better sense of the larger conflict. lwritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3547765263836062042015-01-14T17:39:21.918-05:002015-01-14T17:39:21.918-05:00I, too, love the opening line, and agree it would ...I, too, love the opening line, and agree it would work better without the "apparently."<br /><br />My sense is the Lindsay has a sort of black humor take on the world, so I think leading with her voice sets the tone, and would imagine the cover, blurb and other clues would set me up for mystery/thriller to come. Perhaps nasty Neal meets an untimely demise....<br /><br />You might consider deepening the connection we have to Lindsay by making her reactions more intimate. "I jolt as if struck," is a bit observational. Maybe something like, "I jolt and instinctively duck, though he hasn't managed to put anything through the wall...yet." Cut the dialogue and go straight to her stomach clenching. We might feel ourselves more in her skin that way. Just a thought.<br /><br />Great start! Good luck with your story. :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16348768569703295438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62653130000192426542015-01-14T13:50:41.737-05:002015-01-14T13:50:41.737-05:00Hey there! I like this opening a lot and am very ...Hey there! I like this opening a lot and am very curious to see how the thriller aspects play out. I love the voice coming through -- your MC's reaction to the fight shows us a lot about who she is and how she thinks. Nice job!<br /><br />A few thoughts to help tighten:<br /><br />For the opening line, I might cut the word "apparently" and just say "Marriage must suck" to make it punchier. <br /><br />There's a little bit of redundancy in the third paragraph. I'd reco tightening to something like this to get rid of the repetition (it's going to be a long night / they've been at it since 10 and it's now past midnight/ tonight's fight is shaping up to be epic -- these all tell us similar things.) Maybe something like this:<br /><br />They’ve been at it since ten and it’s now way past midnight. So far, he’s criticized her career, her cooking, and her hair. What’s next? The way she breathes? Tonight’s fight between my mother and Neal is shaping up to be epic.<br /><br />But again, overall I really liked this. Best of luck and hope my comments help!SStokeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03607391693287377280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16713188014488457892015-01-14T11:44:11.670-05:002015-01-14T11:44:11.670-05:00Even though this is a thriller, the first line rea...Even though this is a thriller, the first line really made me crack up. I know you probably don't mean to start this off funny, but the opening line does come across a bit humorous. Perhaps you could reword it just a little, maybe using a different word than "suck" because it just gives a joking connotation. Other than that, this sounds like a promising MS.Lori T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/18258106648536413193noreply@blogger.com