tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4684934593450717010..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #16 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38510538491816220452008-08-29T06:40:00.000-04:002008-08-29T06:40:00.000-04:00Not hoooked.The premise is interesting, but these ...Not hoooked.<BR/><BR/>The premise is interesting, but these 250 words don't really show much about the story in the current situtation. Everything had already happened, and there was nothing to see.<BR/><BR/>Aside from that I'm a bit wary on the subject matter. I don't know if 'she' is a woman, a teenager, or a girl. I think you need to make that clear.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78148014348981081782008-08-28T13:19:00.000-04:002008-08-28T13:19:00.000-04:00This is interesting writing, but it failed to pull...This is interesting writing, but it failed to pull me in. I couldn't identify with whoever "she" is. <BR/><BR/>At first, I had a sense that "he" came and went at will. But in the final paragraph, he somehow was unable to catch her. Confusing. <BR/><BR/>I'm not hooked.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64881465017765666752008-08-28T11:59:00.000-04:002008-08-28T11:59:00.000-04:00I like thrillers, but this is too passive for an o...I like thrillers, but this is too passive for an opening. I want to feel her fear, her environment. I'd start her in the dark, feeling her way around. Where is she now? Have her describe it through touch, smell, sound. Then mutter "I'm not going to die."<BR/>Get me into the scene with a chill. I want to be scared. Not told that someone else is scared.<BR/>I think it has great potential. so work on it a bit and I hope to see it on a shelf in my local bookstore one day.<BR/>Good luck.Sarah Jensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18385403676603047861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31754487749337656132008-08-27T23:26:00.000-04:002008-08-27T23:26:00.000-04:00I'm on the fence. I think I'd read to the end of ...I'm on the fence. I think I'd read to the end of the chapter at least, just to see if we move out of her internal world into the physical one.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1867301127563700182008-08-27T22:09:00.000-04:002008-08-27T22:09:00.000-04:00On an intellectual level, I get the repetition of ...On an intellectual level, I get the repetition of "I'm not going to die," but I didn't fully buy into it. I'd cut it down a little bit and use it more as an anchor at the beginning and end rather than as scaffolding all the way through.emeraldcitehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11495241111424476230noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18820495723660690702008-08-27T19:43:00.000-04:002008-08-27T19:43:00.000-04:00No, I'm sorry... I like to know who the characters...No, I'm sorry... <BR/><BR/>I like to know <I>who</I> the characters are by the second paragraph. Probably just me though...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76834196373265477112008-08-27T17:55:00.000-04:002008-08-27T17:55:00.000-04:00A no here. Too repetitive. She keeps telling herse...A no here. Too repetitive. She keeps telling herself over and over and over... Sorry. I think you can get across the idea that she survived much more succinctly than this.Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79823689148066234402008-08-27T17:28:00.000-04:002008-08-27T17:28:00.000-04:00Unfortunately, this was a miss for me. This is act...Unfortunately, this was a miss for me. This is actually a theme I get a lot, a Kiss the Girls kind of thriller with terrorized women captive but not compliant. Because of its commonality, this theme has to be executed with scalpel sharpness in order to be a standout and this one just didn’t get there for me. I also struggled with the stage being set in a basement but then the “he would have caught her” line implies she is someplace with enough roving room to stay a step ahead of her captor…this is unclear and if it is a massive labyrinth it is much more terrifying to reveal that in the narrative rather than attempt to build tension with the repeating mantra.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10512107560208885888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55271747443850708692008-08-27T16:35:00.000-04:002008-08-27T16:35:00.000-04:00No- I like thrillers but this doesn't grab me. I d...No- I like thrillers but this doesn't grab me. I don't love the character.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90106792305012358922008-08-27T14:00:00.000-04:002008-08-27T14:00:00.000-04:00The passive voice and the mantra grated on me a bi...The passive voice and the mantra grated on me a bit. "inky blackness" is so cliche. <BR/>It could be a sinister opening, but isn't yet. Like Flick, the last paragraph confused me. are they both trapped in a large dark labyrinth, and he's chasing her? <BR/>Not for me.Luc2https://www.blogger.com/profile/01069557738924277313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21259009230686198342008-08-27T13:56:00.000-04:002008-08-27T13:56:00.000-04:00hmmmm, the 'I'm not going to die' part got me exci...hmmmm, the 'I'm not going to die' part got me excited. But then for some reason the back-story/telling part made me feel a little less in the moment. Maybe if something was happening NOW while she was imprisoned I'd get more into it. <BR/>partially hooked.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12228237392088103602008-08-27T12:23:00.000-04:002008-08-27T12:23:00.000-04:00Not for me either sorry. I like the premise but I ...Not for me either sorry. I like the premise but I got fed up of the- it was what she told herself.<BR/>The passive 'was' really stands out in this section and I think you could rewrite with much more strength.<BR/><BR/>I also didn't quite get what was happening at the end. I thought she'd been imprisoned and was trapped by someone who was 'doing things to her' but at the end when you said - he'd have caught her by now - it implies she isn't captured at all but hiding?? I wasn't clear.Barbara Elsborghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15825994197656747262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77252636125226403652008-08-27T10:58:00.000-04:002008-08-27T10:58:00.000-04:00There's a lot of passive voice and telling going o...There's a lot of passive voice and telling going on in this scene. This could be a very powerful opener using a more aggressive tone/approach. <BR/><BR/>No for me. Sorry.Kathryn Hupp-Harrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03776391661543060879noreply@blogger.com