tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4769160666305950012..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent Contest #23Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42366936601495440722018-05-20T15:06:24.717-04:002018-05-20T15:06:24.717-04:00Great title! Great intrigue! I love the voice and ...Great title! Great intrigue! I love the voice and everything about this screams mystery adventure.<br /><br />Thank you for sharing!<br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39987823079460970512018-05-18T16:29:42.002-04:002018-05-18T16:29:42.002-04:00Love the imagery and details as well. Didn't e...Love the imagery and details as well. Didn't enjoy the multiple squinting. Also, I found the backtracking..."minutes earlier" took me 'out of the moment.' Consider reordering the unfolding of events. Also agree with others, I'd love to feel what MC feels with the disappointment, fear, apprehension, dread, re: the "mansion." Best of luck. Love Beaufort...should make for a great locale.GeeWizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06941244713771870949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39704171568491444492018-05-17T07:33:11.431-04:002018-05-17T07:33:11.431-04:00I love the imagery in this post. Like the first tw...I love the imagery in this post. Like the first two commenters, I think you should make the second paragraph your opener and incorporate some of the visuals of the house from the first one like, "This can't be the place, Grandpa," I said, as the old mansion loomed in front of us, its eaves tattered, shutters hanging from their hinges... Otherwise I love the rest of the post. I would definitely read on! Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51393888977947724782018-05-16T21:22:30.730-04:002018-05-16T21:22:30.730-04:00Your last line is great imagery! And the happy bal...Your last line is great imagery! And the happy balloon is great. I agree with AJ, this would really grab my attention with some showing rather than telling. What does a zombie hideout look like? You've got the skills to show, that's evident with the gnarled branches and rusty stains. Just take that and apply it to the opening. Good luck!Jennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48686772884965699422018-05-16T10:36:31.391-04:002018-05-16T10:36:31.391-04:00Love the details: oaks scraping and screeching, th...Love the details: oaks scraping and screeching, the happy balloon, mud stained soccer cleats. I think you could give us more of that in the opening paragraph--before you say, "Grandpa Jim had to be pulling my leg." Right now, that first paragraph is kind of a "telly" (vs. showing) summary of the old mansion. How about some visceral details, like the ones you bring in further down?AJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16135729997685992811noreply@blogger.com