tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4769178388412793561..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Three #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70160489365955560522013-10-24T21:58:26.883-04:002013-10-24T21:58:26.883-04:00Thanks for the comments. I'll be revising and ...Thanks for the comments. I'll be revising and your comments will be a big help.jmcenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76683084201307983092013-10-23T11:38:41.678-04:002013-10-23T11:38:41.678-04:00As written, you are using her trip to incite her g...As written, you are using her trip to incite her goal when, In fact, it is becoming trapped that incites her goal (which is to escape). <br /><br />Aside from that, I think we need more specific information about this mystery she needs to solve and why it will be hard. The ghost's motivation is not really relevant.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17577121497065248982013-10-23T00:37:30.386-04:002013-10-23T00:37:30.386-04:00I would say, "she becomes trapped in it"...I would say, "she becomes trapped in it" instead of "a captive of it, trapped...". So it'd read more like, "she becomes trapped in it--literally." <br /><br />You can then mention the 16th century part after the "ghost holds her key to return [from the 16th century]...."<br /><br />It just tightens things up, and I'm wondering about what makes the ghost tragic instead of tortured, or tormented/vengeful. Tragic just doesn't seem to fit quite right. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14222968358802371658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18223728519531395942013-10-22T19:21:07.115-04:002013-10-22T19:21:07.115-04:00How old is the MC? My 16 year old thought she'...How old is the MC? My 16 year old thought she'd would have to be 18+ and doing research for college for the premise as written. If the MC is younger, she might, say, go spend the summer with cousins, or be an exchange student. There are ways of getting her there. You'll find them!<br /> <br /> Jenny Pessereauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14019490125387350606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4230863872337073832013-10-22T16:07:01.631-04:002013-10-22T16:07:01.631-04:00This sounds interesting to me and I'd love to ...This sounds interesting to me and I'd love to read on. For the first sentence, you could probably drop "captive of it" and just say she becomes trapped by a tragic ghost. Good Luck!JJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16329120942199292200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56124762852748508882013-10-22T14:31:42.496-04:002013-10-22T14:31:42.496-04:00intriguing, but...
how does a teen get the money ...intriguing, but...<br /><br />how does a teen get the money to go to Scotland?<br /><br />Why is she interested in her family's past? Teens usually are concerned with their own lives first.<br /><br />How does she get trapped in the past?<br /><br />YA writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56211742735952349612013-10-22T11:52:21.119-04:002013-10-22T11:52:21.119-04:00Interesting premise. I agree with Chelle's tig...Interesting premise. I agree with Chelle's tightening of the first sentence. I'm not quite hooked by the rest. Yes, Catherine presumably wants to get back to the present, but you haven't given us the stakes. Why is it important to Catherine and/or the ghost?<br />I'm interested, but reel me in.<br /><br />SMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67796503633874749302013-10-22T11:34:22.353-04:002013-10-22T11:34:22.353-04:00When Catherine goes to Scotland in search of her f...When Catherine goes to Scotland in search of her family's past, she becomes trapped in the 16th century. Elisha, a tragic ghost, holds the key to her return, but first Catherine must ...<br /><br />I agree about mentioning Catherine's age since this is YA. Also, I was confused about Elisha. Is he/she the ghost. Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86775916743187127612013-10-22T11:09:57.654-04:002013-10-22T11:09:57.654-04:00How does she get trapped? You might delete "c...How does she get trapped? You might delete "captive of it" because I'm not sure what "it" refers to. How old is Catherine? The title has a misspelling. Did you mean Elisha's Locket instead of Elish'a? You might have the logline reflect the title since I have no idea who Elisha is. If she's the ghost, mention Elisha as the ghost. <br />I would be interested in reading more about the characters based on the logline.Sherry Smithnoreply@blogger.com