tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4842604579635043606..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68444104315938701352016-04-01T13:21:06.598-04:002016-04-01T13:21:06.598-04:00I think you do a great job of communicating tone i...I think you do a great job of communicating tone in this opening, and you've provided a solid start for your world building, but otherwise I'm afraid this isn't quite working for me. I typically find summary-style openings to be unsuccessful, and I think this falls into that category. It doesn't bother me so much in your first paragraph, but when Nick walks into the canteen, it continues. Why start with him walking in if you're going to summarize his actions until he sits down? Why not just start with him plonking his tray on the table? I don't need to know a blow-by-blow. Just the important things.<br /><br />Thank you for your entry.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25888503672688532652016-03-30T22:45:09.453-04:002016-03-30T22:45:09.453-04:00Grr, blogger just ate my crit so I'll try agai...Grr, blogger just ate my crit so I'll try again. The beginning does help us get to know the world, but it is a little distancing and could be off putting to readers. As it is I would give it a little longer before deciding to whether or not to put it down. Just make sure this is the right beginning for the book. S.P. Bowershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09746614009206426805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86910421648878905892016-03-30T16:42:30.163-04:002016-03-30T16:42:30.163-04:00The opening paragraphs read very much like a prolo...The opening paragraphs read very much like a prologue, which I know is frowned on, but in this case helps the reader to know we are not in this world. There is so much info packed into the first sentence: Two Worlds (is that literally two worlds?), State Sorting office (which makes me think this is a "Big Brother" type of tale), Northworld (again is this a new name for someplace on earth, or a name of someplace not on earth?) Then I wonder if the names Left Eye and Right Eye are necessary (as in will they figure later in the book?).<br /><br /> Except for saying that Nick and his mother are in the bowels of the "Special Mission" the rest of the passage could be a contemporary story, though there's no hint of Nick's age and since he's in the staff canteen, I assume he's employed, which would make me think adult except your label is YA. Really we don't get any background (or a last name) for Nick. <br /><br />I think the excerpt cuts off a little too soon for the postcard thing to make sense. Obviously, it's important, but why? I wonder if you started with Nick and his mother and dropped a hint of what world they're in (like a bit of explanation of what the Secret Mission is) if that might not be a better start. My guess is that Nick and his friend somehow are going to challenge the world order, but how the postcard could be that significant is a little mystifying.<br /><br />I do like the mood of the opening bit.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00601415592841037784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5108532488722110652016-03-30T16:42:21.973-04:002016-03-30T16:42:21.973-04:00The opening paragraphs read very much like a prolo...The opening paragraphs read very much like a prologue, which I know is frowned on, but in this case helps the reader to know we are not in this world. There is so much info packed into the first sentence: Two Worlds (is that literally two worlds?), State Sorting office (which makes me think this is a "Big Brother" type of tale), Northworld (again is this a new name for someplace on earth, or a name of someplace not on earth?) Then I wonder if the names Left Eye and Right Eye are necessary (as in will they figure later in the book?).<br /><br /> Except for saying that Nick and his mother are in the bowels of the "Special Mission" the rest of the passage could be a contemporary story, though there's no hint of Nick's age and since he's in the staff canteen, I assume he's employed, which would make me think adult except your label is YA. Really we don't get any background (or a last name) for Nick. <br /><br />I think the excerpt cuts off a little too soon for the postcard thing to make sense. Obviously, it's important, but why? I wonder if you started with Nick and his mother and dropped a hint of what world they're in (like a bit of explanation of what the Secret Mission is) if that might not be a better start. My guess is that Nick and his friend somehow are going to challenge the world order, but how the postcard could be that significant is a little mystifying.<br /><br />I do like the mood of the opening bit.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00601415592841037784noreply@blogger.com