tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4857271524384065830..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Two (MG Fiction) #8Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79133828873784629442014-02-13T01:23:10.975-05:002014-02-13T01:23:10.975-05:00The concept of a modern day Samantha having vivid ...The concept of a modern day Samantha having vivid dreams or a simultaneous life in a medieval past is a great hook. The medieval sequence has some great action and sense of urgency.<br /><br />Now lets talk about some things that can be polished.<br /><br />FRAMING/EXPOSITION<br />While the concept is a great hook. I feel like the way the opening scene unfolds is a bit heavy handed. For example, it's rather uncanny that Samantha dreams or has an alternate life in the medieval past and she and her classmates are on their way to visit a medieval museum exhibit. But at the same time this hooked me: "She knew everything you could read in books, plus a bunch of stuff she couldn't share. She knew the chalky feel of a battlement crumbling beneath her fingers, the heat of an arrow slicing her shoulder, the stench of a dungeon after a cold rain." Perhaps you can find another way of setting this up?<br /><br />CHARACTER<br />This is more of an observation, rather than something you necessarily have to fix. Samantha isn't really the character that drives these two opening scenes. In the bus scene, she's fighting the dreams, but it's Jasmin and Amy that are feeding information to the reader about what they're doing and where they're going. And then in the medieval scene it's the chaos around Samantha that's moving the story forward and the death of John. As you move forward in the story, make sure that Samantha develops into a more active role. That she doesn't just have things happen to her, but that she's trying to make things happen.<br /><br />I hope this helps. Happy writing!Anita Saxenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12444339735834716979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57318212990734280452014-02-12T18:33:27.616-05:002014-02-12T18:33:27.616-05:00I'm interested enough to want to read more, to...I'm interested enough to want to read more, to see what is going on. Why they're on the bus, where they're going, what is happening in the dream sequence etc.<br /><br />Dreams/flashbacks are generally frowned on in the first chapter.<br /><br />Amy smiled as she peered around Jasmin.<br />Who/what is Jasmin?<br /><br />Sam is obviously traumatized by John's death, but I'm not. I don't know enough about him to care one way or another. If the reader is supposed to care about his death, we need to get to know him better before he dies.<br />deadfishenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14647274145951920012014-02-12T17:38:15.609-05:002014-02-12T17:38:15.609-05:00Your first line hooked me! I wondered: Why does Sa...Your first line hooked me! I wondered: Why does Sam have to stay awake on the bus? What does she have to be prepared for? <br /><br />Yet when you jump into the next part, I found myself wanting you to stay with your opening scene. Slow down. You hooked us in the first paragraph, let us stay there and be curious. Set up the conflicts with Amy and Jasmin. Give us a hint about what Sam wants and desires. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63385104306824056712014-02-12T14:57:42.983-05:002014-02-12T14:57:42.983-05:00I liked this a lot. I found myself skimming along,...I liked this a lot. I found myself skimming along, eager to get to the next thing. The part that hooked me was the chalky feel of battlement. <br /><br />Nitpicks only: one thing that confused me was that I thought when Sam was "jarred...to her senses," that she was waking up--but that didn't happen for a couple of paragraphs. And if more readers agree--I'd be cautious about "silver orb" when "full moon" would do. I think you may be trying to avoid a repeat of moon. But then you end up with a repeat of silver. <br /><br />I like the apparent time-travel element. I'd read more! <br />C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45302241908876976982014-02-12T14:34:04.374-05:002014-02-12T14:34:04.374-05:00Cool beginning. I actually think if you cut the tw...Cool beginning. I actually think if you cut the two sentences about the dream it would keep things more mysterious and we'd wonder why she didn't want to fall asleep. John and death could come later after we've worried for a while.<br />Then I like the details about tapestries mending with the "stuff she couldn't share"<br /><br />Interesting beginning. I do wonder what's going to happen.Mark Holtzenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17951708881333152501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1781603168376003942014-02-12T13:54:40.919-05:002014-02-12T13:54:40.919-05:00I like both of these pieces. They are both interes...I like both of these pieces. They are both interesting and well written. My issue is that the first piece immediately drops into a dream type sequence. Consider getting us into the exhibit and then let artifacts trigger brief memories in Sam, instead of the straight out dream sequence.<br /><br />Because of the name, Dream Seer, I do expect some visions to occur. But it might be better to get farther into the story before one comes along. <br /><br />I also question if a seer would be looking forward in time, or backward in time. That raises the question, of when this story is really set, current or past? Is Sam envisioning her future life or her past life?MargotGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12544341466884316132014-02-12T13:25:23.862-05:002014-02-12T13:25:23.862-05:00I am not a big fan of starting with a dream but it...I am not a big fan of starting with a dream but it is very well written. It sounded a little older than MG, more YA to me. ESWnoreply@blogger.com