tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4927997880654093952..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86227119930933746442014-04-05T00:26:52.600-04:002014-04-05T00:26:52.600-04:00This is well-written and drew me right in. I, too...This is well-written and drew me right in. I, too, got the 'something's not quite right' vibe from this guy, so if that's what you're going for, you pulled it off. A few small things.<br /><br />I looked into those eyes and knew I wasn’t going to be able to resist. -- replace 'knew I wasn't going to be able to' with 'couldn't.'<br /><br />silencing my lips with his finger.-- silencing me with a finger to my lips.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63508311742904651842014-04-03T10:05:23.460-04:002014-04-03T10:05:23.460-04:00agreeing with previous comments about verb choices...agreeing with previous comments about verb choices and making the male figure too agressive too soon. Should be a warning sign to her. And can't tell if he is giving up gracefully or if he is a bit sarcastic and just agreeing to pick his next time. So far, can't tell if his character will turn out to be "the one" or someone who puts her in danger ultimately. Do think you painted her hesitancy well. We all understand recovering from a romance gone bad and how slowly one needs to proceed into love again after that. Sort of had an Under the Tuscan Sun feel to it.Patricia Nesbittnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36767597243898097672014-04-02T23:35:57.477-04:002014-04-02T23:35:57.477-04:00This excerpt also drew me in, but I have to agree ...This excerpt also drew me in, but I have to agree with the two comments above, word choice is very important in giving the reader clues about who to root for. <br /><br />I also wanted a little more in the late afternoon montage. (Hard to do with a word limit, I know…)<br /><br />Be aware of your dashes, especially in the middle of a sentence. I think you could probably use commas here: But if we do this, if I do this, we have to take it slow.<br /><br />I'd also trade the semi colon for a period: …the answer in my expression. He expelled a long sigh…<br /><br />Consider ways you can get rid of said in the last paragraph, since it's full of Erik's actions.<br /><br />Good work. I'd like to know what happens next.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07107201217984050192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65526796653906245862014-04-02T17:35:19.411-04:002014-04-02T17:35:19.411-04:00I'm also left with a bit of an unnerving feeli...I'm also left with a bit of an unnerving feeling from this excerpt. If that's not what you're intending, I'd suggest that Molly makes the first move since she is the one that's hesitant. Otherwise, Erik comes off as a more malicious figure. <br /><br />The excerpt really drew me in, although the summary of their day together kind of threw me out of the narrative. I'd definitely delve deeper into that passage. This is very well written,and I'd think that would really benefit from some more of your strong writing!Marnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88410302923040348262014-04-02T13:30:58.586-04:002014-04-02T13:30:58.586-04:00I can't say I've seen any mid-century-set ...I can't say I've seen any mid-century-set New Adult. Definitely a first for me! <br /><br />The excerpt drew me right in, so nice work. The lines where they're running through the cobbled streets might work better broken up instead one long sentence. If each moment has its own line, the montage feels more substatial, like a full day experienced rather than smooshing it all together. <br /><br />This is more in tone, and I don't know whether Erik is the Hero here (who gets the HEA or if he's a sidetrack), but the intro of him as a guy who won't give up, paired with her hesitation, and followed up by physical interaction verbs like pinned and pressed, to me it's giving me an unsettled feeling. I've been pressured to start a relationship with someone and know what that feels like; if the guy then gets a little aggressive, that's a warning sign.<br /><br />This all may or may not be intentional. Some romances veer toward a strong alpha male, and usually those aren't for me unless they're handled delicately (Hero has reasons/backstory for alpha tendencies). The use of male as a descriptor, the "male smell of him" has never worked for me, though I do see it in romance fiction. Not wrong per se, but I'd encourage you show us something new.<br /><br />I don't know your full story but these are things to consider if this is a Hero you want the reader rooting for; those verb choices say a lot, and if she is alreay hesitant about the relationship, we may need to see a more gentle side with genuine charm and care.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.com