tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4966566570689329099..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Two #24Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16720778940692366592014-10-08T10:48:20.543-04:002014-10-08T10:48:20.543-04:00I think your story sounds really interesting! I ag...I think your story sounds really interesting! I agree with most of these comments. You don't need the questions or last line. And yes - you suggest an antogonist - that there is something large behind the amnesia - but it isnt' clear what, or who, it is. Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37485866167192785472014-10-07T17:51:24.500-04:002014-10-07T17:51:24.500-04:00You have focused this on Calvin, but it sounds lik...You have focused this on Calvin, but it sounds like the goal belongs to Stesha. If this is true, I think you need to re-write this so it is about her. If it is about both of them, then you might need to say that both Calvin and Stesha want to find out what happened. After that, give some hint about why this will be difficult. Is there an antagonist here? Someone trying to hide the truth?<br /><br />Good luck!<br />Holly<br /><br />P.S. No questions in loglines!!!!Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8565311857080013982014-10-07T16:18:33.894-04:002014-10-07T16:18:33.894-04:00That last comment was by mbrown, not sure what hap...That last comment was by mbrown, not sure what happened!mbrownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13364327762565763012014-10-07T16:17:17.646-04:002014-10-07T16:17:17.646-04:00I really like this premise. But I'm a little c...I really like this premise. But I'm a little confused as to who is the MC, Calvin or Stesha. (Great name!) I'd start with her if this is her story.<br /><br />Love to read this one.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40519287509141001752014-10-07T15:56:08.884-04:002014-10-07T15:56:08.884-04:00'Middle Grade' is not a genre, but 'Mi...'Middle Grade' is not a genre, but 'Middle Grade Mystery' is. It sounds like Stesha is actually the main character, so start with her: 'Stesha wants to figure out why her best friend hasn't been the same since his accident.' Then tell us why this is important to her, what the stakes are if she fails, and what stands in her way.JohnCCnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27458941073660420732014-10-07T15:28:22.461-04:002014-10-07T15:28:22.461-04:00I think the others have you covered, but I just wa...I think the others have you covered, but I just wanted to say I love this title!Becca McCannnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78705615731929391862014-10-07T15:12:49.433-04:002014-10-07T15:12:49.433-04:00I like the particulars in this logline. Strawberry...I like the particulars in this logline. Strawberry Lake is a great name. Don't we all write rhetorical questions? ;)Laurel Decherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11699070369117023496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7925258596482490872014-10-07T13:09:56.618-04:002014-10-07T13:09:56.618-04:00One other thought - since you start with Calvin, i...One other thought - since you start with Calvin, it sounds like he's going to be the main character, but then it seems like Stesha is the one doing the investigating. Maybe start with her? "When Stesha's friend is in a car accident and suffers amnesia..." Sounds interesting. I love amnesia stories!beckyd821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68818899675952253252014-10-07T12:57:28.335-04:002014-10-07T12:57:28.335-04:00Thanks for all the feedback! It is really helpful....Thanks for all the feedback! It is really helpful.<br /><br />Ugh, rhetorical questions are always sneaking into everything I write. I really need to work on that.<br /><br />Thanks for all of your help, and happy writings to you all!<br /><br />Skittles,<br />Mia<br />{theideacatcher.blosgpot.com}Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10469955355822267713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65416014761765703212014-10-07T12:22:46.322-04:002014-10-07T12:22:46.322-04:00I agree with the previous comments. You have a nic...I agree with the previous comments. You have a nice, strong setup of the problem. The questions aren't necessary. Focus on Stesha and her definitive actions rather than rhetorical questions. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37973152777097638562014-10-07T12:09:41.379-04:002014-10-07T12:09:41.379-04:00I like the first line. It helps me picture the set...I like the first line. It helps me picture the setting. I think there are to many questions being asked. Instead tell us what is happening.Stephanienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71160997370990765592014-10-07T11:31:29.729-04:002014-10-07T11:31:29.729-04:00I don't think you need the "But is it rea...I don't think you need the "But is it really?" I'd just go with "Calvin's best friend is not so sure, etc". Same for "And is it worth it to investigate?" - because if she's suspicious, then yeah, it's worth it. I'd replace it with "if she doesn't uncover the truth, then CONSEQUENCES".<br /><br />Good luck! Hope I was of some help.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com