tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5174454284030425534..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #33Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37003366739422365962011-09-24T14:15:49.449-04:002011-09-24T14:15:49.449-04:00I like horse-back riding (not that I do it myself)...I like horse-back riding (not that I do it myself), so I'd probably read on just for that. :)<br /><br />I agree with the comments above, and would encourage you to rewrite this, but also watch a few things generally:<br /><br />When is this happening? YA fantasy doesn't tell me much, but the term "equine locomotive" tells me that trains have been invented. If this is set pre-train, you have an anachronism. Maybe throw in some reference to clothes to clear things up?<br /><br />Watch for contradictions--the horse hesitates, but doesn't seem to pause as she soars over the ditch. The MC can't find the stirrup... but it's the horse who's uncertain? Since when? Be clear on cause and effect, as well as motivations--for human and horse.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34325055491860189202011-09-23T16:11:17.707-04:002011-09-23T16:11:17.707-04:00The action was well described and easy to read and...The action was well described and easy to read and understand. Unfortunately, I felt lost right from the beginning. Where are they? What kind of world is it and why should I care about the protag?Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36212152062954137802011-09-22T22:51:59.802-04:002011-09-22T22:51:59.802-04:00I like the humorousness of "equine locomotive...I like the humorousness of "equine locomotive"<br /><br />I agree with secret agent. It's well written, but I'm not sure where the conflict is?Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13966484330728978862011-09-22T16:07:03.825-04:002011-09-22T16:07:03.825-04:00What's missing, in my mind, is why is this hap...What's missing, in my mind, is why is this happening? What set the horse off in the first place? While you take us on a wild ride, I don't know why it's happening, I don't know who is on the horse. Were they just out for a ride, or were they going someplace specific? Give us some context before the horse bolts.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36770309919965922982011-09-21T23:18:20.798-04:002011-09-21T23:18:20.798-04:00I think you just need to back up a little. Show w...I think you just need to back up a little. Show what spooks the horse. Show the relationship between the horse and the MC. I like your writing. Your wild ride was easy to follow and I don't think that's easy to do. You could drop the specifics of right and left, that was distracting. But I think with a little in front of this, it could be great.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35911419138445205602011-09-21T18:42:29.370-04:002011-09-21T18:42:29.370-04:00I think this is a classic case of wanting to start...I think this is a classic case of wanting to start in the middle of the action, as writers are so often told to do. But unfortunately sometimes it doesn't work, and this is one of those cases. We don't yet have a reason to care why this horse has run away and we don't get to know the character well enough to care whether or not she is safe.<br /><br />I would focus on developing character more strongly within an action-packed scene.secret agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68285574852627599112011-09-21T16:02:53.150-04:002011-09-21T16:02:53.150-04:00Lots of good action and vivid description.
There ...Lots of good action and vivid description.<br /><br />There are a few typos and the writing could be tighter. Also, I popped out of the story a minute noting the MC turned the horse's head enough to see the left eye but later brought her nose around to the right side. I would have thought in a tense situation, the rider might try to turn the horse's head in the same direction both times, especially with a foot loose from a stirrup. Just a thought and I'm not an expert rider, so I could be wrong.<br /><br />That said, nothing in this initial sample gave me an idea of why the horse was running wild or hooked me into wanting to find out.<br /><br />Not hooked, but thank you.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.com