tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5174994076625565850..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77042123323349561092014-04-04T13:55:25.867-04:002014-04-04T13:55:25.867-04:00I agree with Melissa, in that you might add what&#...I agree with Melissa, in that you might add what's going on underneath the dialogue. As is, the kiss comes out of nowhere for no reason. If you gave us some of the underlying sexual attraction, it would make this stronger.<br /><br />I didn't have a problem with the fish guts because this is what they do, and it doesn't start out as a romantic scene, even though it ends that way.<br /><br />Nice touch, talking to the dogs!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30481010597631289702014-04-03T09:41:33.998-04:002014-04-03T09:41:33.998-04:00Loved the language of the scene as pointed out by ...Loved the language of the scene as pointed out by others. Was a little surprised than in investigating police officer would kiss her? But assuming you have set up their relationship earlier in the story. That said, I loved the teasing, breathless quality to the scene. And you left me wanting to read on.Patricia Nesbittnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55003929947553158642014-04-03T09:27:21.768-04:002014-04-03T09:27:21.768-04:00Thanks for your suggestions, all point to details ...Thanks for your suggestions, all point to details or nuance I missed.MaryAlicenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18336447715650015482014-04-02T21:56:26.150-04:002014-04-02T21:56:26.150-04:00The first half, with all the dialogue, fell flat f...The first half, with all the dialogue, fell flat for me because there was too much talking. Give us a better idea of their body language and expressions. If the guy feels comfortable kissing her, there has to be a lot going on beneath the surface. Give us a hint of what's going on in his mind before he leans in for the kiss.<br /><br />The line about his slow smile was lovely though!<br /><br />In the second half, the reference to the 'fish guts' kills the romance. However, maybe you could turn it around to your advantage by playing up the ridiculousness of the situation and making it funnier. Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3456033181534353792014-04-02T16:31:55.600-04:002014-04-02T16:31:55.600-04:00I love this: "His smile started slow then (se...I love this: "His smile started slow then (seemed to) spread to the rest of his face. It was a lovely, sexy thing." But it's not clear what made him smile. (Could delete "seemed to.") <br /><br />"Plastic bag of fish" stopped me, but it's undoubtedly explained before this segment.<br /><br />Third to last paragraph: You repeat information about looking for dead people 25 years ago. Could be condensed: “I’ll call the funeral directors in town. There can’t have been that many young men who died back then.”<br /><br />Next to last paragraph. Seems he would need to lean in or pull her closer before he could brush his lips. Could tighten to "He put his free arm around me, pulled me close, and brushed his lips..." (If you do this, delete the next "close".)<br /><br />Think you could add a thought after "to cover a rushing tide of feeling." What ARE her feelings? <br /><br />Love her talking to the dogs (??)<br /><br />MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.com