tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5211259968616008631..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59229784700435993902012-02-25T14:32:09.265-05:002012-02-25T14:32:09.265-05:00No.
There's too much stuffed in here and it m...No.<br /><br />There's too much stuffed in here and it makes the sentence clunky. I like Jessica Negron's suggestion as a way to trim it down, but I'd go farther and cut it off after "ashes." The rest could be a separate sentence or be dropped altogether. If I were touching ashes, the temperature wouldn't be the most important characteristic. I think I'd notice that they felt powdery or gritty or however human remains feel.<br /><br />I think the idea is intriguing, though, and I wonder what Edith is up to.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16705848398127552692012-02-25T11:33:03.030-05:002012-02-25T11:33:03.030-05:00No. But I think you're close. I would drop the...No. But I think you're close. I would drop the last name and shorten it to: "Edith urged Bryn to reach her fingers inside the jar and feel the ashes." I wouldn't use "his" either. I know you probably want to show that it's a person's ashes, but I think we still get that idea, since the ashes are in a jar. In fact- we would want to read on out of intrigue--is it a person?? The second half of the sentence can become the second sentence. Sounds interesting!HMLnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33838089340010677232012-02-25T08:08:03.945-05:002012-02-25T08:08:03.945-05:00No.
The idea is interesting but maybe it needs to...No.<br /><br />The idea is interesting but maybe it needs to go further - whose ashes? Her dead father's? Grandpa Joe's? The Fuller Brush Man's? The creepy factor is fine, but I think we need just a little more.JeffOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947660745120963286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15471185310143593962012-02-25T02:59:50.467-05:002012-02-25T02:59:50.467-05:00No. The sentence construction doesn't work for...No. The sentence construction doesn't work for me. I'm not sure who the 'his' is referring to, as Bryn can be a male name, and it distracted me. Plus, though the idea is neat, I'd rather be shown what they're doing than told it.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66787600220284800682012-02-24T16:52:23.154-05:002012-02-24T16:52:23.154-05:00No, I'm intrigued by what's happening, but...No, I'm intrigued by what's happening, but I think a different line should go before this. This one feels clunky as an opener.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12225046375258742872012-02-24T16:48:29.341-05:002012-02-24T16:48:29.341-05:00No. I like what you're going for here, but who...No. I like what you're going for here, but whose ashes, and who's your progatonist? I like what macaronipants suggested - simplify it, and you'll have it.A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50836287217330022942012-02-24T14:36:08.083-05:002012-02-24T14:36:08.083-05:00No. Too many words - and who is the MC? Edith or B...No. Too many words - and who is the MC? Edith or Bryn?<br /><br />"Bryn reached inside the jar to feel his ashes." That totally would have grabbed me. Less is more.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23850062808878819712012-02-24T13:24:30.283-05:002012-02-24T13:24:30.283-05:00Yes, because I like the image and idea. But I do t...Yes, because I like the image and idea. But I do think this could use tightening up. I agree that just using Edith's first name would help (or Mrs. Locke, or whatever), cut "her fingers," and either say who the ashes belonged to or just say "the ashes."Shakier Anthemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169934547082128953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85460330468748523522012-02-24T13:14:27.595-05:002012-02-24T13:14:27.595-05:00No. The idea is unique but the way it's worded...No. The idea is unique but the way it's worded had me question 'his ashes' confused .....who's ashes?Nata Cynthia Artistadonnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09790244390075247862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57750556309114543812012-02-24T12:33:01.595-05:002012-02-24T12:33:01.595-05:00No. The image in intriguing, but the pronouns conf...No. The image in intriguing, but the pronouns confused me.Heidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17237687110595005423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26045268121593383102012-02-24T01:33:33.925-05:002012-02-24T01:33:33.925-05:00No.
I was intrigued at the thought of feeling the ...No.<br />I was intrigued at the thought of feeling the ashes, but the pronoun soup was confusing. <br /><br />Whose fingers? Was Edith paralysed and needed Bryn to manoeuvre her fingers? I always knew Bryn as a male name, so that really threw me. I'm now guessing Bryn is a female and was being urged to stick her own fingers into a dead guy's ashes. <br /><br />And why does one character have a family name but not the other?<br /><br />Now if the dead guy was urging a woman to fondle his ashes... I'd read on! (Ok, I have a sick mind)Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53068284982441703382012-02-24T01:04:29.595-05:002012-02-24T01:04:29.595-05:00Yes, I like the imagery - the ashes don't both...Yes, I like the imagery - the ashes don't bother me at all. However, I'd take out at least one of the names, or keep the first one to just the first or last name...it seems like too much information for a first sentence.Beth Hnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33169265979446021942012-02-23T20:07:30.619-05:002012-02-23T20:07:30.619-05:00No. I can't see why anyone would try and get s...No. I can't see why anyone would try and get someone else to touch someone's ashes. That seems like a cruel thing to urge someone to do.Wen Baragreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17741246296963740806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86125893653781838042012-02-23T17:17:15.362-05:002012-02-23T17:17:15.362-05:00No. The sentence was too clunky for me, esp with t...No. The sentence was too clunky for me, esp with the full name reference, but I thought the scene was interesting.JL Dannorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15144540248274739914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49304647512951922672012-02-23T17:10:36.393-05:002012-02-23T17:10:36.393-05:00No. Too gross for me.No. Too gross for me.Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02106422736653397018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70246950073220201922012-02-23T16:45:12.095-05:002012-02-23T16:45:12.095-05:00No. I was another person who was confused at first...No. I was another person who was confused at first about whose ashes they were touching. I had to read this more than once, which is definitely not something you want in a first sentence.Ashley Turcottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07641064437873182899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72939836731198973292012-02-23T15:07:03.866-05:002012-02-23T15:07:03.866-05:00No. Eww. And whose ashes? And why would you do ...No. Eww. And whose ashes? And why would you do that?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49111976386082807112012-02-23T14:38:21.235-05:002012-02-23T14:38:21.235-05:00No. But almost. I like the language, I'm just...No. But almost. I like the language, I'm just put off by too many characters (and, as Holly said, one full name, one first name, and one no name seems odd) and the set up is odd. Sorry.Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43870107648442803422012-02-23T13:22:57.023-05:002012-02-23T13:22:57.023-05:00No.
Mostly personal preference but GROSS. It's...No.<br />Mostly personal preference but GROSS. It's also confusing with so many names. I think you have a good start here, but it needs to be simplified. I have no idea who the main character is or who I'm supposed to care about. You have a great eye for detail and clearly appeal to the senses, but it needs to be refined a bit.Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77689797817737970292012-02-23T13:16:39.276-05:002012-02-23T13:16:39.276-05:00Yes. I think the sentence would be stronger if you...Yes. I think the sentence would be stronger if you ended it at "feel his ashes," and gave "his" a name, but this would definitely get me to read further.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06299557858575155910noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53782675134009477982012-02-23T12:46:25.733-05:002012-02-23T12:46:25.733-05:00Yes- there's a lot of things going on in this ...Yes- there's a lot of things going on in this sentence. That being said, I'd rather have just first names to keep track of characters in the beginning.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4682189240480416972012-02-23T12:40:41.276-05:002012-02-23T12:40:41.276-05:00No.
I would have said yes, because I really like...No. <br /><br />I would have said yes, because I really like the idea of starting off on such a creepy note, if not for the confusion.<br /><br />"His" seems to refer back to Edith.<br /><br />I can't tell which of the girls is the MC. If it's Bryn, then "cool now" is a POV issue because she hasn't touched the ashes yet. If it's Edith, I don't think the ashes being cool matters enough to include it. It feels like that information was just stuffed in there to tell us the person was cremated the day before.<br /><br />I feel very distanced from the scene. Unless this is very third-person omni, I think it would work better if it got into one head or the other, focusing either on Edith's anticipation of her dare or on Bryn's nervousness and disgust at the idea of touching the ashes.<br /><br />It needs a bit more sensory and a bit more voice.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49181414863427573412012-02-23T12:25:14.288-05:002012-02-23T12:25:14.288-05:00No. Like the concept, but feels a bit overwritten ...No. Like the concept, but feels a bit overwritten and unwieldy.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45969243712229227802012-02-23T12:05:17.118-05:002012-02-23T12:05:17.118-05:00Yes. This is really creepy and Id want to know kno...Yes. This is really creepy and Id want to know know. Just FYI though, the names were confusing (wasn't sure if Bryn was the "her" or "his" on the first read).A. K. Fotinos-Hoyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16954824461425569495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26333641433951741092012-02-23T12:03:00.426-05:002012-02-23T12:03:00.426-05:00Yes - but only because it's creepy enough to i...Yes - but only because it's creepy enough to intrigue my warped mind to keep reading.Spiralnoreply@blogger.com