tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5217543990221919252..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #4Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37767854992627831232011-02-03T21:12:18.165-05:002011-02-03T21:12:18.165-05:00Author here! Thank you everyone for your kind comm...Author here! Thank you everyone for your kind comments. This is from a completed MS that I'm just about to start querying. <br /><br />Hm. Alex isn't sure how to react. This takes place at the end of a spectacularly bad day. Will's been in love with Alex for a while and she's been completely oblivious until this point.tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11126150168478391792011-02-03T16:08:02.645-05:002011-02-03T16:08:02.645-05:00I’m missing something here and I think it’s her re...I’m missing something here and I think it’s her response. I wanted to know how she felt. She described the back rub in more detail than she did the kiss. Why? <br /><br />Also, and this is very picky, but when you state ‘he started to rub my lower back,’ the word usage makes me think he started to and then changed his mind. It sounds stronger as, ‘he rubbed my lower back.’Chris P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86394373187433136042011-02-02T17:34:44.303-05:002011-02-02T17:34:44.303-05:00You had me at "Land of heart-shaped hot tubs&...You had me at "Land of heart-shaped hot tubs" I'm from NEPA so I cracked up at that opening.<br /><br />That being said, I agree with Kaurelius. You can't just stop there. :)<br /><br />I enjoyed the dialogue a lot.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00018322408296417739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83231209252285767392011-02-02T14:35:25.974-05:002011-02-02T14:35:25.974-05:00oh, don't stop there.
Pout.
I like that he rec...oh, don't stop there.<br />Pout.<br />I like that he recognizes her "toughness". That speaks volumes of the male romance guy.kaureliusnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79522989785884443382011-02-02T13:50:30.985-05:002011-02-02T13:50:30.985-05:00Your dialogue is excellent and flows naturally. I ...Your dialogue is excellent and flows naturally. I loved all of this up until "That was unexpected."<br /><br />Instead of say that, show me she didn't expect that. The rest of the paragraph is telling and I think you can put more show and more emotion into it.<br /><br />The last sentence was excellent!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78078470548218075552011-02-02T12:18:03.603-05:002011-02-02T12:18:03.603-05:00I get a nice sense here of their relationship befo...I get a nice sense here of their relationship before the kiss, and I feel for Will in his uncertainty about whether he should have kissed her or not.<br /><br />I agree about saying - in a few minutes or so, for the same reason as Sarah. I always wonder if the MC timed or measured things. You could also cut "I felt" in the second last sentence. We know it was she who felt.<br /><br />I didn't get a sense of how she felt about the kiss. She describes the scene as a reporter might. The contact was brief, rather than the kiss was brief. ANd there's nothing that says how she felt about it. Is she thinking - it's about time, or there goes the great friendship? Perhaps allow her a human reaction, unless she is supposed to be a cold, unfeeling person.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15319389924219612362011-02-02T11:38:02.406-05:002011-02-02T11:38:02.406-05:00i really liked this a lot. Loved the characters al...i really liked this a lot. Loved the characters already, and only after 150 words.<br />Just a few nitpicky things.<br />The repetition of "good" in this line threw me off:<br /><br />They were rough and calloused and warm and, good lord, it felt good<br /><br />(and i LOVED that line). Maybe make the second one a "great" or something?<br /><br />Also i'm not a big fan of the specific "five minutes". It pulls me out because then i wonder if she was timing him or something. Maybe just "after a few minutes?"<br /><br />Loved the last line.Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56774642301675614972011-02-02T11:15:00.472-05:002011-02-02T11:15:00.472-05:00I really liked this. I could feel the emotion and ...I really liked this. I could feel the emotion and it didn't go into purple/boring prose. I especially liked the description of the bruising as spectacular. Well done.Jennifer M (OR)noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82790049218027054792011-02-02T11:05:51.390-05:002011-02-02T11:05:51.390-05:00Loved this. : )Loved this. : )Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03263043246347529228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10026999865240433722011-02-02T10:57:45.602-05:002011-02-02T10:57:45.602-05:00I agree; in just a small excerpt you've convey...I agree; in just a small excerpt you've conveyed so much of what's going on here. "Permission or forgiveness" - that's a nice turn of phrase. And I suspect Alex might be unsure which one she wants to give him. <br /><br />I'm curious about the larger context - is this the first time these sort of feelings have surfaced between them? If they've shown up before, they would have to realize the risks of a place with heart-shaped hot tubs. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77069479394640068572011-02-02T10:34:38.112-05:002011-02-02T10:34:38.112-05:00Excellent. Wow. You slammed so much plot into just...Excellent. Wow. You slammed so much plot into just a few words! I would read more of this and I like your female lead.Debra Anastasiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05496990581114757142noreply@blogger.com