tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5310916223279920171..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #16Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23462691762934555742012-02-25T21:22:47.929-05:002012-02-25T21:22:47.929-05:00Yes.
Sulfur smells like rotten eggs, so warm sul...Yes. <br /><br />Sulfur smells like rotten eggs, so warm sulfur water = ick. I get that the protag is in a bad situation, and thirsty, and we're about find out why.danikahttp://theaccidentalnovelist.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29875578835655509462012-02-25T15:17:18.181-05:002012-02-25T15:17:18.181-05:00Yes.
I want to know what desperate situation the ...Yes.<br /><br />I want to know what desperate situation the MC is in. I'm imagining lost in the desert or a battle for survival, maybe of a dystopian sort.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48555442532816506532012-02-25T02:53:04.816-05:002012-02-25T02:53:04.816-05:00No. I can see that with a few more lines to provid...No. I can see that with a few more lines to provide context, this could be a good beginning, but just on its own it doesn't grab me.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79276483178729168722012-02-24T16:40:24.198-05:002012-02-24T16:40:24.198-05:00Yes. Just enough to get me interested, I'd rea...Yes. Just enough to get me interested, I'd read on.A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72742873486945775002012-02-24T16:36:14.874-05:002012-02-24T16:36:14.874-05:00Yes. It's short and simple and leads me to wan...Yes. It's short and simple and leads me to want to know who and why.Jen Simmshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16615933747051991632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74448526754546903362012-02-24T15:55:20.079-05:002012-02-24T15:55:20.079-05:00No. This fell flat for me. It may work as a second...No. This fell flat for me. It may work as a second line or next paragraph opener. I want to be pulled into a story and learn something about a character like how they feel or what they think of whatever's happening.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73718322685101558692012-02-24T14:46:33.978-05:002012-02-24T14:46:33.978-05:00No. There isn't enough intrigue for me to want...No. There isn't enough intrigue for me to want to read on.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88807070190569618272012-02-24T13:00:35.084-05:002012-02-24T13:00:35.084-05:00No. Not clear to me either.No. Not clear to me either.Nata Cynthia Artistadonnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09790244390075247862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44910883235618022672012-02-24T12:29:05.442-05:002012-02-24T12:29:05.442-05:00Yes. Bad water and thirsty protag indicate that I&...Yes. Bad water and thirsty protag indicate that I'm about to be plunged into the middle of a story.Heidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17237687110595005423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56375979891036832612012-02-24T12:00:18.375-05:002012-02-24T12:00:18.375-05:00No.
Not very exciting for me, it didn't really...No.<br />Not very exciting for me, it didn't really give me much reason to read on.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46217196325719777092012-02-24T11:32:01.831-05:002012-02-24T11:32:01.831-05:00No. Not clear enough to me what's at stake if ...No. Not clear enough to me what's at stake if she drinks it.Shakier Anthemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169934547082128953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67852334046675836372012-02-24T01:12:06.520-05:002012-02-24T01:12:06.520-05:00Yes. Great image, love the taste included - that&#...Yes. Great image, love the taste included - that's often a sense that gets left out of writing. Also curious why she'd drink yucky-tasting water.Beth Hnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17622586735726583482012-02-24T01:09:45.420-05:002012-02-24T01:09:45.420-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8246384444247064942012-02-24T01:06:58.101-05:002012-02-24T01:06:58.101-05:00Yes. I like the sense of urgency implied here. I a...Yes. I like the sense of urgency implied here. I agree with the previous comments about using "rotten egg" as a better descriptor.<br /><br />However, I would throw the book across the room if the next line was a whine about an upmarket spa/ health resort.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13862795538997810682012-02-24T01:06:16.015-05:002012-02-24T01:06:16.015-05:00Yes! I already love her/his voice, and I am very i...Yes! I already love her/his voice, and I am very interested in why the water tastes that way.Diana Juliannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12645346227759177481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68667523860797227272012-02-23T22:03:06.923-05:002012-02-23T22:03:06.923-05:00Yes. It's simple but still establishes a solid...Yes. It's simple but still establishes a solid image, and it leaves me curious. Love it!Juliahttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26798262701743779402012-02-23T19:53:30.102-05:002012-02-23T19:53:30.102-05:00Yes.
I like the feel of desperation, and I want...Yes. <br /><br /><br />I like the feel of desperation, and I want to know more. (I also expect a lot of spiraling out of control with a title like Entropy).Renahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02767762370997304308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50202506421446613452012-02-23T19:51:40.884-05:002012-02-23T19:51:40.884-05:00Yes!
Excellent details, without trying to cram th...Yes!<br /><br />Excellent details, without trying to cram them in. I'm already picturing a hell dimension and can't wait to read more!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58738104945482759322012-02-23T19:26:07.340-05:002012-02-23T19:26:07.340-05:00Yes. I want to know why she's in a situation w...Yes. I want to know why she's in a situation where she'd drink something like that. I'd like to see a bit more of how she drinks it (gulps, swallows, downs, sips) because at the moment we can't tell if she's drinking it for desperation, or spite, or whatever. Still makes me want to read on, though.Wen Baragreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17741246296963740806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63140581438776541362012-02-23T18:32:41.948-05:002012-02-23T18:32:41.948-05:00Yes, I'm desperate to know this circumstance!Yes, I'm desperate to know this circumstance!Amanda S. Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03865077959290947501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20695881196934816202012-02-23T16:56:53.133-05:002012-02-23T16:56:53.133-05:00Yes. I want to know why the MC is around water tha...Yes. I want to know why the MC is around water that smells of sulfer in the first place, and what would possess him/her to drink it. It makes me pretty sure the MC's life is a mess right now, and I want to know why it's a mess and how he/she is going to fix it.Ashley Turcottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07641064437873182899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40522384989143029252012-02-23T16:43:13.536-05:002012-02-23T16:43:13.536-05:00Yes. Because I know what sulphur water smells like...Yes. Because I know what sulphur water smells like, I can't imagine what would drive someone to do that, so I'd like to find out. However, I echo what others have said, that describing it slightly (eg, rotten eggs) would give greater impact.JL Dannorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15144540248274739914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67561177908060145012012-02-23T14:57:16.405-05:002012-02-23T14:57:16.405-05:00Yes. I really want to know where this character i...Yes. I really want to know where this character is, and why. I already feel like the protagonist is going to be a survivor.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84320162215004997112012-02-23T14:56:31.143-05:002012-02-23T14:56:31.143-05:00Yes. It sounds like our MC is desperate, so I'...Yes. It sounds like our MC is desperate, so I'd like to know how and why they are in this situation. (No one drinks sulfur water when they could just reach for an Evian unless they are desperate.)DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13183344187287406722012-02-23T14:35:31.646-05:002012-02-23T14:35:31.646-05:00Yes.
I get a sense of desperation in the fact tha...Yes.<br /><br />I get a sense of desperation in the fact that she's willing to drink this water rather than wait for access to better. And I want to know the source of that desperation.<br /><br />Nitpicks.<br /><br />I suspect the smell of sulphur water would hit her first and that would be the point at which she'd quibble about whether to put it in her mouth. "Rotten eggs" would provide a stronger image and work for people who don't recognize the smell of sulfur. <br /><br />I dislike the passivity of the first half of the sentence; it takes away from the immediacy of the problem. I'd prefer something like "The warm water tastes like sulfur..." <br /><br />A dash of scene setting might help, too. Is it a puddle or a fountain? Does she scoop the water up in her hands or drink it from a glass? Is it clear or dirty?Heathernoreply@blogger.com