tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5329554560843879062..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 46 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14911627742645259372009-04-23T00:24:00.000-04:002009-04-23T00:24:00.000-04:00There are too many elements struggling against eac...There are too many elements struggling against each other here. Magic is mentioned in the first paragraph, then never again. The hotel is a fleeting thought, and the capital building seems a bit random. None of it fits very well together. Not hooked.Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14353365745000545667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75231405984463782522009-04-20T22:32:00.000-04:002009-04-20T22:32:00.000-04:00As far as I can tell from the page, this story wil...As far as I can tell from the page, this story will be about unrelieved sadness and various kinds of fakery. Not what I'm looking for.DeAnnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10260429251547575572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82660873513884983732009-04-18T19:02:00.000-04:002009-04-18T19:02:00.000-04:00It needs to be tightened. The first line confused...It needs to be tightened. The first line confused me.<br /><br />Check out this re-wording, "My father's obsession colored my life, long after he died--slight of hand, illusion, magic." 39 to 15 words--and it comes across stronger.<br /><br />Then maybe tell me what his father's hands looked like. Hands are very powerful character indicators. Your 'hands on' magic bits give you a wonderful opportunity here. Really neat,but right now it's sort of mundane? <br /><br />Then skip to the description of the new home. I guess that I'm saying a tighter job of editing.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16378022221964553484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32867011437055779752009-04-17T20:20:00.000-04:002009-04-17T20:20:00.000-04:00This sounds like it could be interesting but I fee...This sounds like it could be interesting but I feel like there's too much backstory and telling and I'm not drawn to the mc on a personal level. But I think this could work with some editing.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87683255281491662662009-04-17T13:52:00.000-04:002009-04-17T13:52:00.000-04:00I like the idea here, but not the execution. This...I like the idea here, but not the execution. This needs polish and revision to focus on the important parts.<br /><br />Not hooked.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21598107311997407972009-04-17T10:42:00.000-04:002009-04-17T10:42:00.000-04:00I would turn the page even though a lot of details...I would turn the page even though a lot of details slowed it down. I'm sure you could find places for them other than your first page. I liked your style. Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1792861924208933732009-04-17T09:53:00.000-04:002009-04-17T09:53:00.000-04:00I liked that first sentence- I was almost wonderin...I liked that first sentence- I was almost wondering if he was undead- a ghost or something. (and I like that) The second sentence needs work though-maybe too many negatives- maybe you don't even need it. Just jumept to "My strongest memories..."<br /><br />I like the break highlighting "Those...." but it ends with the weak word "this.'<br />I suggest "present" ??<br /><br />Mom gesturing toward the window. I think you mean "out of the window." See, I thought she was outside the car gesturing at the car.<br /><br />Capital didn't bother me- actually intrigued me. But isn't it Capitol? (the o for the building; think dome; the a for the other use of the word,such as capial idea!)sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61842823738675272242009-04-16T20:52:00.000-04:002009-04-16T20:52:00.000-04:00No peeking at above.
I liked the first paragraph,...No peeking at above.<br /><br />I liked the first paragraph, but found that it led nowhere.<br /><br />I found it difficult to get a sense of time after that. The mother's back story was kind of dumped in here.<br /><br />I liked the premise however and would probably read onCheryl Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71871020674460149622009-04-16T18:43:00.000-04:002009-04-16T18:43:00.000-04:00I liked the premise of this and am definitely intr...I liked the premise of this and am definitely intrigued. However, I echo the comments that have been made about the back story dump. Start with the action and sprinkle the rest of this in later.<br /><br />Oh, and I'm pretty sure "Capital Building" should be "Capitol Building." The building itself is the capitol; the city it's in is the capital.Krista G.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32923652237421207822009-04-16T14:13:00.000-04:002009-04-16T14:13:00.000-04:00I'm hooked. The voice is strong and the mother-dau...I'm hooked. The voice is strong and the mother-daughter (or son?) relationship vivid. I also think a 'not' in the last sentence might make things clearer.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42017445322521059892009-04-16T12:07:00.000-04:002009-04-16T12:07:00.000-04:00I'm kind of eh about this. I'm not hooked, and som...I'm kind of eh about this. I'm not hooked, and some of the details just seemed unnecessary and I agree the writing could be tightened up. I also didn't hear a distinctive voice. <br /><br />If you were in my cruit group I would suggest reworking the beginning to start somewhere to give more insight into the MC and let his/her voice grow stronger, as opposed to focusing on the family dynamic or need to move.E.M. Kokiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00453541159643901257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28800886789381791482009-04-15T23:27:00.000-04:002009-04-15T23:27:00.000-04:00I definitely like the voice and the set up here. ...I definitely like the voice and the set up here. The opening paragraph is really intriguing and I definitely want to know more.<br /><br />My only suggestion is to start moving the plot forward a bit here. The "moving to a new home" plot is really cliche in the YA and MG genres, so I'd really love to know what else is at stake for this character.<br /><br />But again, I did like this, and would probably read on.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing!LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19301632720536401492009-04-15T22:52:00.000-04:002009-04-15T22:52:00.000-04:00I really like this! It's one of those things that...I really like this! It's one of those things that makes me wonder what has happened. How did Dad Die? And did magic have anything to do with it? I love magic, both real and imagined, both slight of hand and the powers of wizards and more. I would definitely read on!Teresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11063008702438457434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87973900305752592802009-04-15T21:57:00.000-04:002009-04-15T21:57:00.000-04:00Sorry not hooked. Too much backstory. Nothing's go...Sorry not hooked. Too much backstory. Nothing's going on.<br /><br />I did like: She'd gone into super-mom mode, just like every time she talked to me since her therapy "breakthrough." She had her happy face on. But then it's back to backstory. <br /><br />I also like: It probably sounded as hollow as I felt.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11759979323649652412009-04-15T21:47:00.000-04:002009-04-15T21:47:00.000-04:00I really like your first sentence, but it gets dra...I really like your first sentence, but it gets dragged down by the rest of the paragraph. And then I was confused by the sentence "...they weren't enough to erase this." First I thought you were talking about what Mom was gesturing to, but that didn't seem to make sense. The whole paragraph about Mom and therapy slows down things even more.<br /><br />Also, your first sentence of your last paragraph confused me too. I had to read it a couple times to understand it.<br /><br />Hope that helps!Windyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07684298115679477705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89099274391019368022009-04-15T20:54:00.000-04:002009-04-15T20:54:00.000-04:00Yes, I'm hooked. One thing though - the "Mom was g...Yes, I'm hooked. One thing though - the "Mom was gesturing.." paragraph needs a little work. It could or should draw us closer to the setting and your protagonist, but instead it pushes us away. You could hop into the character's head and mix some action in.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71839422941914588842009-04-15T15:05:00.000-04:002009-04-15T15:05:00.000-04:00Agree that there's too much backstory, but it seem...Agree that there's too much backstory, but it seems like there's a promising premise in there.Stephanienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21912824500539975642009-04-15T14:58:00.000-04:002009-04-15T14:58:00.000-04:00I'm hooked. I loved the obsessed with magic dead f...I'm hooked. I loved the obsessed with magic dead father and your second paragraph really grabbed me. I think because it was so stark compared to the lengthier first paragraph. Also, Mom is very dimensional and plays well off the MC. Love your MC's voice. I didn't think there was too much backstory. It was just enough to intrigue me without slowing the action or the pace. I do agree with the others about the grief counselor though. Technically, you may be right but it just sounds odd to have "never" paired with "to do"Dianehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17347903109436607364noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1028391881034991862009-04-15T13:12:00.000-04:002009-04-15T13:12:00.000-04:00I liked this, but there were a couple sticky thing...I liked this, but there were a couple sticky things for me. "They were good times, but they weren't enough to erase this." You don't need this sentence. It detracts from your rocking first paragraph.<br /><br />"Mom was gesturing towards..." is passive. "Mom gestured toward (no 's')". Also, she's not gesturing toward the window, but the view beyond, right? Lastly, the fact that they are angry and resentful and embittered makes them seem heartless to me. And I don't want to read about heartless people.<br /><br />They can be mad, just give a clue why that is.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23260433293237641882009-04-15T12:36:00.000-04:002009-04-15T12:36:00.000-04:00I think this story has potential and I like where ...I think this story has potential and I like where it is heading. I can see the groundwork for some interesting conflict.<br /><br />However, I felt the writing could be tightened up a bit.<br /><br />Here are some examples:<br /><br />Even after he was dead, my father’s obsession with magic continued to color my life. <br /><br />Try:<br />Even after his death, my father's obsession...<br /><br /><br />He hadn’t been dead so long that I didn’t have many memories of him, but my strongest were of sleight of hand and illusion.<br /><br />Try: being more specific. This is an ideal spot to slip in the fact that he'd been gone 2 years (or however long). The reader will acknowledge that the dad isn't forgotten and that this boy may still be struggling with losing his father figure.<br /><br />I liked this line: She’d gone into super-mom mode, just like every time she talked to me since her therapy “breakthrough.” <br />It says a lot and has voice.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />:)Jeanhttp://www.jeanoram.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43237253941282825972009-04-15T12:07:00.000-04:002009-04-15T12:07:00.000-04:00I liked your first and third paragraphs a lot! Gre...I liked your first and third paragraphs a lot! Great voice!<br /><br />A couple of setences did confuse me though. When you say 'this' in the second paragraph, what are you referring to exactly? The line 'She didn't have to be bitter...' also didn't sound quite right to me. And one last thing--in the last paragraph, you need a comma before but.KMZnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3570968246439789312009-04-15T11:49:00.000-04:002009-04-15T11:49:00.000-04:00Hi - I like the idea for this story. The category,...Hi - I like the idea for this story. The category, title, and the fact dad was a magician hooked me and I'd keep reading.<br /><br />I'm not totally sold on your opening, I think the second paragraph is a bit awkward. I wish you would have described her face rather than calling it her "happy face". <br /><br />I do think this has a lot of promise. Good work.<br /><br />AKAmy Kinzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10436166248133753017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65257873559220028822009-04-15T11:40:00.001-04:002009-04-15T11:40:00.001-04:00I love the insight into your character. especially...I love the insight into your character. especially the 'sounded as hollow as I felt.' Excellent.<br /><br />But I don't know if your MC is a girl or a boy. I understand they are moving, but are they moving into the capital building? I think you mean for capital to be just one of the many sights Mom is describing, but you haven't given us anymore so the Capital stands out like a sore thumb. Maybe add a could things when you say she is 'giving commentary on our new home' i.e. 'giving commentary on the history of our new home, the statue of the founder, the remains of the first log cabin, etc.... I'm sure this probably is anything like your story, but you see what I mean... give us some flavor of where they're moving to.<br /><br />I also wondered if some of the back story couldn't move to a little later. <br /><br />Good job. I'd read on.Charlie Vnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32020539901642092402009-04-15T11:40:00.000-04:002009-04-15T11:40:00.000-04:00Sorry, not hooked. Goes on too much and I think yo...Sorry, not hooked. Goes on too much and I think you could tighten.Dorothynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32362160982617815372009-04-15T11:31:00.000-04:002009-04-15T11:31:00.000-04:00Not Hooked. I did like the first sentence. There...Not Hooked. I did like the first sentence. There is definitely too much backstory.Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06905515473737579937noreply@blogger.com