tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5359605262110499555..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #30Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21408143068360691502010-09-24T13:25:19.223-04:002010-09-24T13:25:19.223-04:00Great opening, with the juxtaposition of the paren...Great opening, with the juxtaposition of the parents sipping cocktails.<br /><br />I avoided teens like Malcolm in high school, and I don't want to read about one now. It's completely a visceral personal reaction, but a drunk, sex-driven teen who thinks it's cool to trash his parents house with his friends is not going to have my interest.Divawritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87024712645109881592010-09-24T01:43:24.440-04:002010-09-24T01:43:24.440-04:00Great first line, but it's deceptive. I was w...Great first line, but it's deceptive. I was waiting for it to literally explode. Plus after that first line the pacing slows and the narrative feels distanced. The word choice almost feels like we're getting the voice of the parents...<br /><br />For this to work as a YA, it needs to have a close POV with a lot of the narrator's thoughts and feelings. Right now it feels slightly condescending towards teens. Words like "infesting" "too young and dumb to understand" "dopey grin"...as a fan of YA lit and teens, this bothers me.<br /><br />Also, If Malcolm is our main character, he's not very likable - a drunken guy who invited the whole school to his parents house while they were on vacation only to hide out in his dad's office and watch for some girl and smile a dopey grim when she arrives? This makes him seem kind of lame.<br /><br />Plus the contradictions - he's heavy lidded and drunk, but stealthy? He's going to invite a girl upstairs with him even though he doesn't seem cool, even at his own party?<br /><br />I wouldn't keep reading.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62427655885555991362010-09-23T12:25:58.926-04:002010-09-23T12:25:58.926-04:00I thought literal exploding at first, but then I r...I thought literal exploding at first, but then I realized you probably just meant "with people." But, as you may have noticed, a lot of people will be disappointed by lack of literal explosions, especially given that kind of thing can happen in paranormals! <br /><br />I had a hard time liking Malcolm. The first thing he does is invite a bazillion people to trash his house. I just can't sympathize with that kind of character. (And couldn't even when I was a teenager.) But I realize that's probably a personal thing.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53050418688748349482010-09-23T08:36:47.983-04:002010-09-23T08:36:47.983-04:00I also was drawn in by the first line and then got...I also was drawn in by the first line and then got somewhat lost. I think it's because the voice isn't clear. The second para sentence is very long, and I had to read it a few times to get it. I do like the descriptions a lot, but need more of a sense of the voice to be hooked in.Blodwynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14448510173180135732010-09-23T04:41:59.493-04:002010-09-23T04:41:59.493-04:00First line is great. Downhill from there though.
...First line is great. Downhill from there though. <br /><br />I had a real problem getting into this because of the POV. I wasn't sure who's POV this was. <br /><br />The way things are described doesn't sound like Malcom at all, yet he seems to be the main character. <br /><br />Also, 12 beers is a lot. Plus, do they even make 12 packs? There are 6 packs and a case (which is 24 I think), but that's it.Basthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12561466241112288690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7811452453341447682010-09-22T19:13:23.811-04:002010-09-22T19:13:23.811-04:00Oh, darn, I wanted to see what happened when the h...Oh, darn, I wanted to see what happened when the house exploded!<br /><br />The rest of page is good, but I was disappointed.Writer Tessanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62381116967928578332010-09-22T18:50:22.404-04:002010-09-22T18:50:22.404-04:00Like everyone says. A great first line, instantly ...Like everyone says. A great first line, instantly thrown away.Keren Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13121027210783177857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68323693358945335062010-09-22T17:09:40.039-04:002010-09-22T17:09:40.039-04:00A great opening line, but then I realized it's...A great opening line, but then I realized it's just there to be a great opening line. All it did was make me wonder if the house will really explode or if it's a metaphorical explosion, and then I was disappointed by what followed - a drunk teenage boy wants to have sex.<br /><br />I'm looking for your angle, why this is different or more interesting from a thousand other teenage boys and there's nothing here. Perhaps as he sits behind his father's desk, you could let us in on some of his thoughts as a way to get to know him a bit? As is, there' nothing to make me turn the page. Yeah, the house might actually blow up, but then again, it might not. As good as that first line is, it made me not trust the narrator.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89597943261526803542010-09-22T15:32:48.898-04:002010-09-22T15:32:48.898-04:00Loved the first line.
Too bad the next parts don&...Loved the first line.<br /><br />Too bad the next parts don't flow from it. But I would keep reading just to see what happens next, and to see if the house really did explode as you promised. <br /><br />One other thing. Malcolm drank a twelve pack? I'm thinking he would be feeling more than a buzz right now. ;)<br /><br /><br />Good luck!Anjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74145127736905280432010-09-22T13:44:22.595-04:002010-09-22T13:44:22.595-04:00I think the chronology is a little jarring. If you...I think the chronology is a little jarring. If you're going to start with the explosion than start there. The backstory takes us out of the immediacy and urgency of that situation.<br /><br />It could be a simple transition issue. Think about starting with the bold statement and then back up with a "It wasn't supposed to happen" type of line. <br /><br />That first line tells us everything but if you wanted to combine the first and second "house exploded while his parents sipped Mai Tais on the beach" would perhaps pack more of a punch. <br /><br />Good luck!Lindsey Roth Cullihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09027380113570940030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77212563665607703982010-09-22T12:54:52.229-04:002010-09-22T12:54:52.229-04:00Agree about first line.
Voice isn't clear. D...Agree about first line. <br /><br />Voice isn't clear. Do I hear his parent's judgments ('infesting') or what MC is feeling? <br /><br />Why did he invite the partyers? Did it get out of control, or did he know it would be a letdown?<br /><br />"Seeking something they were too young and dumb to understand." This line wouldn't be in his head, would it? <br /><br />"A dopey grin formed" = passive.<br /><br />Description of Kat is all visual, so why would he know her with a blindfold on?<br /><br />"a twelve-pack" is a hell of a lot of beer.christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17283976216433006800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65396690511240506772010-09-22T11:05:26.432-04:002010-09-22T11:05:26.432-04:00I loved the first line. It kind of goes downhill f...I loved the first line. It kind of goes downhill for me from there. If the house literally explodes at some point I think you should get to it and skip the clever descriptions of the partygoers. <br /><br />A surprise opening like that only works if it keeps pace with what comes after.Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66953566644938557962010-09-22T10:50:53.866-04:002010-09-22T10:50:53.866-04:00Love the opening.
Have to admit that I was a bi...Love the opening. <br /><br />Have to admit that I was a bit let down when it turns out his house didn't actually explode - but moving on...<br /><br />The description of the party is well-done. I'd read on.Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.com