tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5410974552628152752..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: February Secret Agent #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42507014552616069332012-02-18T20:58:03.383-05:002012-02-18T20:58:03.383-05:00You have a strong voice in the beginning and then ...You have a strong voice in the beginning and then strong at the end but I lost interest in the middle. Maybe cut the long paragraph about how Dianne is her best friend?<br /><br />Great opening and great last line though.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37292283765387118952012-02-17T09:38:33.311-05:002012-02-17T09:38:33.311-05:00Hooked. Very hooked.
The tense shift in the first...Hooked. Very hooked.<br /><br />The tense shift in the first line doesn't even bother me. The two longest paragraphs where we get the backstory about the friendship and the bet, I'd parse them down, tighten and get rid of the passive voice to keep the pace high, driving to that last night. Great job.Kelly Metzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16393486174448300525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17209601333031585412012-02-15T21:33:00.996-05:002012-02-15T21:33:00.996-05:00Love the voice and the dialogue is great. I'm...Love the voice and the dialogue is great. I'm totally hooked. :)TL Sumnerhttp://www.tlsumner.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73736829317935328712012-02-15T21:29:17.795-05:002012-02-15T21:29:17.795-05:00Can I just say that I absolutely love this? I'...Can I just say that I absolutely love this? I've read this at least five times now, and it catches me every time. The last sentence is killer (no pun intended). I'd love to read more of this!Juliahttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54748730930366836612012-02-15T21:17:28.260-05:002012-02-15T21:17:28.260-05:00I was starting to drift until I hit the last line....I was starting to drift until I hit the last line. Now I really want to know what happens.Matt Sternhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06478029882064874494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69239803332376395562012-02-15T20:29:13.836-05:002012-02-15T20:29:13.836-05:00Excellent voice! Nothing like paranoid to start th...Excellent voice! Nothing like paranoid to start the day. :PAlleged Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04869021184116123477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38563184165369626062012-02-15T18:33:44.458-05:002012-02-15T18:33:44.458-05:00Great voice!Great voice!magmonkey34noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42269996670764704072012-02-15T18:27:54.068-05:002012-02-15T18:27:54.068-05:00I was confused for a while, not knowing the genre,...I was confused for a while, not knowing the genre, but that last line? I'd definitely read on!GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5262578400621298922012-02-15T18:01:26.567-05:002012-02-15T18:01:26.567-05:00I like this, the almost playful tone of the openin...I like this, the almost playful tone of the opening right down to the serious and (probably) devastating end.<br /><br />I would definitely read on.Kellynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39226829426119291822012-02-15T17:25:08.026-05:002012-02-15T17:25:08.026-05:00Hooked. Very hooked- the only bit I might change i...Hooked. Very hooked- the only bit I might change is the paragraph about Dianne. It goes on long enough that when the MC says "Again?" I had to go back to see what she was replying to.<br /><br />That paragraph describes her location in the room- and that's she's staying over-where her mom works and compares/contrasts her to the real sister. Maybe one of those facts could go or be put in elsewhere.<br /><br />But overall, I liked it, alot.sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59846611278898889412012-02-15T16:06:51.532-05:002012-02-15T16:06:51.532-05:00Acutally, the tense of the first line is present b...Acutally, the tense of the first line is present but the rest seems to be past. So I would just make sure the verb tenses match up (again something I particularly have to pay attention to in my own writing so I'm acutely aware!)Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9064739968729933082012-02-15T16:01:35.178-05:002012-02-15T16:01:35.178-05:00Winner! I loved this from the start. I'm a suc...Winner! I loved this from the start. I'm a sucker for an intro that speaks directly to a reader. <br />Is this contemporary or does it have a post-apocolyptic slant? (just wondering with the spying and all).<br /><br />My suggestion is to tighten the writing by losing the "was sitting" and "was sleeping" and change to more active "sat" and "planned to sleep over," etc. I have a huge tendency to write like this in my early drafts and spend a lot of time search + finding for use of was +ing verbs. It will quicken the pace for you and show more active voice. <br /><br />Great job, I really like this!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10121796703258983522012-02-15T13:14:25.970-05:002012-02-15T13:14:25.970-05:00Really great opening with a cool concept, and the ...Really great opening with a cool concept, and the last sentence makes me wanna keep reading. :) Good luck!Stephanie Diazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10606180983300679986noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46564728326340901742012-02-15T13:09:57.574-05:002012-02-15T13:09:57.574-05:00I like this. Really catching dialogue and a nice b...I like this. Really catching dialogue and a nice balance between narration and present action. The only line I'd cut would be the "ask my best friend" line, if only because I think it takes away the punch from "It turned out she was wrong about the Tucson part." Besides that, I really, really liked this. Best of luck!Alexandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16148568006989437425noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82013480050744013212012-02-15T11:55:31.725-05:002012-02-15T11:55:31.725-05:00I was waffling between hooked and not hooked until...I was waffling between hooked and not hooked until we get to the part where Dianne becomes serious.<br /><br />WOW.<br /><br />Totally would read on!Amanda S. Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03865077959290947501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61040048640865100832012-02-15T11:36:07.408-05:002012-02-15T11:36:07.408-05:00Nice. I'm hooked. Great job.Nice. I'm hooked. Great job.E. Arroyohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06634213563563094173noreply@blogger.com