tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5411650732472616299..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August First Line Grabber #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74353449019883478682012-08-11T11:30:46.552-04:002012-08-11T11:30:46.552-04:00Yes, wonder why the character is running.Yes, wonder why the character is running.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52547768895903638112012-08-10T15:45:22.985-04:002012-08-10T15:45:22.985-04:00No. I can't figure out if he's a really fa...No. I can't figure out if he's a really fast runner or dreaming that he's a fast runner; it doesn't make sense.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32850763611716910662012-08-09T23:35:55.359-04:002012-08-09T23:35:55.359-04:00Yes. What is the MC looking for?Yes. What is the MC looking for?Britney Gulbrandsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03637618498524496363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33328594803180017352012-08-09T22:42:42.085-04:002012-08-09T22:42:42.085-04:00No. This has been done before and there's some...No. This has been done before and there's something I can't pinpoint that I don't like about this sentence.Aightballhttp://aightball.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37569709652049492692012-08-09T21:31:56.363-04:002012-08-09T21:31:56.363-04:00No. This doesn't seem like an opening line to ...No. This doesn't seem like an opening line to me. If you're starting with action, I think you need to have the MC's. Live come through more. Otherwise, it's just a person running.tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88771393244199901572012-08-09T19:35:09.776-04:002012-08-09T19:35:09.776-04:00No. I'm thinking late for class.No. I'm thinking late for class.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21909970722688364872012-08-09T13:21:35.119-04:002012-08-09T13:21:35.119-04:00No. I had to stop and read the first few words aga...No. I had to stop and read the first few words again because "I race past door" doesn't make sense. It pulled me from the sentence and that's never a good a thing.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46553747573014307122012-08-09T10:56:09.658-04:002012-08-09T10:56:09.658-04:00No.
I have no sense of where this person is or wh...No.<br /><br />I have no sense of where this person is or why they're running. It's lacking that little twist or bit of hook that pulls me in.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63824276016509582862012-08-09T08:57:27.302-04:002012-08-09T08:57:27.302-04:00Yes. But only just. The double door reference is j...Yes. But only just. The double door reference is jerky. I would prefer something like - I race past so many doors they all begin to blend into the white walls.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71465839452593153832012-08-09T07:14:30.656-04:002012-08-09T07:14:30.656-04:00No. Evokes The Matrix-like imagery and I don't...No. Evokes The Matrix-like imagery and I don't feel invited in.Jennnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45167250563412078112012-08-09T02:52:16.483-04:002012-08-09T02:52:16.483-04:00No. Not enough information, for all I know, the pr...No. Not enough information, for all I know, the protag is looking for a bathroom.Tori Schindlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12350474671522596420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38551484499562712732012-08-09T00:48:25.899-04:002012-08-09T00:48:25.899-04:00Yes - as it was SF I imagined aliens invading a sp...Yes - as it was SF I imagined aliens invading a space station - although I then wondered why the protag kept running and didn't hide in any of the rooms. <br /><br />I'd read on for a while to decide.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37795485031650686812012-08-09T00:31:26.152-04:002012-08-09T00:31:26.152-04:00Yes. Good image.Yes. Good image.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85126747147395763652012-08-08T22:29:33.875-04:002012-08-08T22:29:33.875-04:00No. I had to re-read it a couple of times. Wasn...No. I had to re-read it a couple of times. Wasn't completely sure what was going on.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11378846887890437566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45168233994020842342012-08-08T22:25:09.772-04:002012-08-08T22:25:09.772-04:00No. Nothing there to make me care.No. Nothing there to make me care.Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62064821384202538122012-08-08T21:31:00.988-04:002012-08-08T21:31:00.988-04:00No. Not enough here for me to know what's goin...No. Not enough here for me to know what's going on. Maybe if there was a hint of reaction from the character. Panic? Fear?Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63484253255866155162012-08-08T21:23:27.685-04:002012-08-08T21:23:27.685-04:00No. I don't know why she's running, so I d...No. I don't know why she's running, so I don't know how to feel about it. She could be running laps or carrying an important message or fleeing a monster. Unless she's doing something boring, she's unlikely to notice the way the doors blend into the walls.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6075153008710629882012-08-08T20:32:38.976-04:002012-08-08T20:32:38.976-04:00No. There's action, but I don't know what ...No. There's action, but I don't know what the action means to the main character.The Dieselpunkettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16957945738556312135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44240819285744878242012-08-08T20:21:45.208-04:002012-08-08T20:21:45.208-04:00No. First person present tense annoys me.No. First person present tense annoys me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69918783922286335432012-08-08T20:17:35.426-04:002012-08-08T20:17:35.426-04:00Yes. I'm curious as to whether she's just ...Yes. I'm curious as to whether she's just running really fast, or whether there is a power/ability or other sci-fi reason behind it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9397255063949880912012-08-08T19:16:59.441-04:002012-08-08T19:16:59.441-04:00Yes, it is intriguing.Yes, it is intriguing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60711662192330874132012-08-08T19:05:13.196-04:002012-08-08T19:05:13.196-04:00No. Great action, but no conflict. Maybe just a li...No. Great action, but no conflict. Maybe just a little more info. Or emotion first, then action.Shiela Calderón Blankemeierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05164253791139502033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53978045259677265032012-08-08T18:09:47.470-04:002012-08-08T18:09:47.470-04:00No. Running in hallways doesn't do it for me--...No. Running in hallways doesn't do it for me--I need a motive, or a feeling, or a really interesting hallway.Petre Panhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44065045274768344932012-08-08T17:32:09.883-04:002012-08-08T17:32:09.883-04:00Yes. Your description brings with it a clear pictu...Yes. Your description brings with it a clear picture to the reader's mind.The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29896370270907800722012-08-08T17:17:17.408-04:002012-08-08T17:17:17.408-04:00No. I get that the character is running, but sinc...No. I get that the character is running, but since I don't know if they're running to something or from something or what, I feel the stakes are absent.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.com