tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5435238671205879717..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Secret Agent #30Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77985161654143571802019-04-08T12:42:14.094-04:002019-04-08T12:42:14.094-04:00This one jumps into things a bit too quickly. I...This one jumps into things a bit too quickly. I'm still too far removed from the reading to be feeling anything the author is suggesting. I liked the Victorian house mention, though. Maybe if you pull back and create the atmosphere a bit more and then work us up to the point on the hill. As it is, as a reader I'm being told what the character is experiencing, I'm seeing another character react to it, but I'm not feeling sympathetic nor as if I'm experiencing it. That's not to say it wouldn't give goosebumps to someone else, but for me, I usually need that atmosphere fleshed out first. :) Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15329463494324318482019-04-07T10:04:19.616-04:002019-04-07T10:04:19.616-04:00Your description and dialogue is well done! I agre...Your description and dialogue is well done! I agree that Asha's bit about the ghosts feels a little stilted and the first paragraph could be shortened. What feels missing is the setting. Asha mentions old Victorian houses. Describing those could both draw the reader in and help give that spooky, otherworldy feel.Seshatnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75075967370127112792019-04-06T14:53:44.473-04:002019-04-06T14:53:44.473-04:00I agree, the first paragr could be much shorter. P...I agree, the first paragr could be much shorter. Pick and choose and reduce. The whole piece flows and draws me right in and the dialogue is natural. Good job! Oh, also, I keep thinking of The Sixth Sense. Was that scary enough to cause someone to lose sleep over? Great movie, though.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10595092352925738861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49655732235694895712019-04-06T08:13:03.759-04:002019-04-06T08:13:03.759-04:00I really like the dialogue in this. It's fun a...I really like the dialogue in this. It's fun and realistic. I agree about shortening the first paragraph. Also, maybe try starting with "it's a blistering August day in Buck's County, and suddenly I'm freezing." It's a little more grounding, and immediately adds intrigue. Good start!Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09915537386601503805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38660926072668833412019-04-04T17:21:43.343-04:002019-04-04T17:21:43.343-04:00I found this intriguing. I think your description ...I found this intriguing. I think your description of her being suddenly cold went a little long. You could probably remove the mention of goosebumps, for starters, since you have her friend point out that she has them. This feeling will probably happen multiple times in the book. Maybe you want to save some of the describing factors for those instances. Just a couple and we get that she's suddenly very cold and wonder why. Otherwise, a nice start. :)Betsyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172083170208857228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91242314040157131112019-04-03T13:09:45.082-04:002019-04-03T13:09:45.082-04:00I really like the atmosphere and the dialogue in t...I really like the atmosphere and the dialogue in this one! It's both engaging and realistic (well, the dialogue, I mean). The only critique I can offer is that the paragraph that begins with "Or it's a ghost," seems a little disjointed with all the breaks in Asha's dialogue. I would suggest limiting it to one or two actions between speech instead of the three that you have.afterdrawnnoreply@blogger.com