tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5436726311752801281..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Grab My Heart #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58612476460627609592018-07-18T20:23:10.180-04:002018-07-18T20:23:10.180-04:00I thought the pitch worked pretty well. What I wan...I thought the pitch worked pretty well. What I wanted to know was why he was running. To what? Or from what? And where was he going? What was his intent before running into the rock? And if Mom is already gone, how can she become disappointed when he's blamed from dognapping? How would she know about it?<br /><br />You might also consider using his name the first time it's mentioned, and turn all the others into pronouns. He's the only one there and there's no chance of confusing him with anyone else.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88778291076229798502018-07-18T16:04:54.477-04:002018-07-18T16:04:54.477-04:00This has the feel of a children's book, so bra...This has the feel of a children's book, so bravo! I don't think you start this in the right place, though, and running into a rock may not be enough action to drive this story forward. It doesn't really tell us anything about our MC, where he is, or why. Maybe move back to his actual argument with his sister. This should help the reader get a better sense of the characters and setting. Good luck!Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03709765480911390955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25141591029381867732018-07-18T15:43:49.383-04:002018-07-18T15:43:49.383-04:00I love your title. You also have a great voice fro...I love your title. You also have a great voice from the beginning, vivid and fun to read.<br /><br />One nit-pick: how big is a gigantic rock? I confess I initially assumed Sean exaggerated something which stubbed his toe, only to later get the implication this was a real asteroid. I also found myself more curious about the rock than the rabbit's foot and wanted more of that.<br /><br />Note to Authoress: My screenname on my submission form doesn't match, it was katydid, entry #2.Katherine T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16694801421672317076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1247069277662711282018-07-18T11:54:11.599-04:002018-07-18T11:54:11.599-04:00I like how you start in the "thick" of t...I like how you start in the "thick" of the action. However, I think you could swap the first sentence of the second paragraph for your first sentence. "Maybe finding the rock was a sign" would be a much more intriguing first sentence. Your pitch should be condensed more. Give MC, conflict, and stakes. I realize he has a lot of conflict set against him, but maybe just pick one main one for the pitch.Sarah Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09940927153504938003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25739877559407861552018-07-18T11:33:46.090-04:002018-07-18T11:33:46.090-04:00I liked this. I did find all the hypens jarring wh...I liked this. I did find all the hypens jarring when describing his sister. Maybe phrase it as "getting away from his sister, who thought she was the queen of telling him what to do." Also, in the second to last paragraph, I would specify "rabbit's foot" when talking about his foot. But I would definitely read more, and I want to know how he got the rabbit's foot in the first place. abreitbookwormnoreply@blogger.com