tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5540598941645343227..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #39Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67151536568759645992011-07-16T16:39:30.255-04:002011-07-16T16:39:30.255-04:00I really liked this submission. The mood of the wr...I really liked this submission. The mood of the writing is so dark and scary. I was waiting, perhaps a little nervously, for Maria to show up. Great suspense and build-up! If the book were in front of me, I'd be buying it!<br /><br />For what it's worth, I liked the first sentence. It sets up the mood/atmosphere nicely. And it put me in the MC's head and I otherwise feel like there's so much focus on Maria that we NEED to be firmly planted in the MC's head from the onset.Jeanmarie Anayahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15444097096666633756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48023424228408906512011-07-14T21:45:48.839-04:002011-07-14T21:45:48.839-04:00I agree with Barbara above. If you could tighten u...I agree with Barbara above. If you could tighten up the writing, this would be an excellent beginning. <br /><br />Maybe start with: The rain against the windows was the only sound in the library, though Sage heard more. Swallowing hard, she returned her attention to the half finished face of a Victorian woman on her sketchpad.DebraJesshttp://debrajess.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-469588509136624232011-07-14T17:40:06.903-04:002011-07-14T17:40:06.903-04:00I thought you could start with - Sage stared down ...I thought you could start with - Sage stared down at the half finsihed face . . . The rain's not adding anything, and Marie's voice, when it comes, will be a surprise.<br /><br />And perhaps tone down the writing a bit. It feels almost like I have to wade through it all to find the good stuff. And the good stuf is there. Clearing up the clutter will help it stand out.<br /><br />You could also replace some of the Sage's with she, since she's the only one there.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67920867127383291382011-07-14T14:39:07.660-04:002011-07-14T14:39:07.660-04:00I agree, this is a great concept and I love the da...I agree, this is a great concept and I love the dark and creepy tone you're using.<br /><br />But I also agree that this needs tightening up a bit. Cut down on the "dreaded"s and the "Ice flowed through her"s. We get that this is a burden without it being explicitly stated through the tone.<br /><br />I would read more, though.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20307454565414737912011-07-14T12:38:29.617-04:002011-07-14T12:38:29.617-04:00Now THAT is pretty cool! I like the premise you...Now THAT is pretty cool! I like the premise you've set up here and the fact that it seems like more of a curse than anything. I'm definitely interested to read more. <br /><br />I agree with Ninja Girl that the opening is a little weak. You might have more of an impact if you start with the dynamic characteristics of the portrait. I'm also ok with all the physical details of the picture since that's what Sage is concentrating on while trying to keep calm. Great work and good luck!Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61249771927570596202011-07-14T08:58:55.926-04:002011-07-14T08:58:55.926-04:00Liking the creepy premise. The writing is solid; i...Liking the creepy premise. The writing is solid; it just needs a bit of polishing. I noticed you have four sentences with the same construction: "as Sage glided..." "as Sage stared..." "as Maria hit..." "as her eyes scanned..." It's not a big deal, but you could try to mix it up a little, to avoid a feeling of repetition. In the same vein, most of the sentences are pretty long. If you alternate between long and shorter sentence, it tends to make it more readable.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77691336025297924662011-07-13T14:24:26.278-04:002011-07-13T14:24:26.278-04:00This is not my genre but I am hooked! Great job se...This is not my genre but I am hooked! Great job setting the creepy tone and I love the idea of spirits compelling the MC to draw their portraits. I agree that the first sentence could be the second paragraph, re-worked. Excellent hook.Lori Dyanhttp://www.loridyan.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66486836877470917832011-07-13T14:16:58.185-04:002011-07-13T14:16:58.185-04:00MH87: Really great idea. This is intriguing. The ...MH87: Really great idea. This is intriguing. The description of physicality gets a bit much though. I would pull that back a bit in favour of moving the action forward. Great stuff!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48663097690037116462011-07-13T13:18:13.352-04:002011-07-13T13:18:13.352-04:00I really like this idea. I'd read on to see wh...I really like this idea. I'd read on to see what happened next. It has a nice eerie quality to it.Nicolenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52897654370202687442011-07-13T12:26:54.352-04:002011-07-13T12:26:54.352-04:00I love the concept. That this girl Sage has souls ...I love the concept. That this girl Sage has souls (I'm assuming from the past?) badgering her into drawing their portraits, so they can then speak to her? That's just great! The first sentence, though, I think could be stronger. My favorite part was where you described the drawing and that one piercing eye, so maybe you could start with something like that? The eye piercing her, the woman's smirk? That part about being drawn to "haunting perfection" rocked! I'd read more :)<br />Ninja GirlNinja Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00901215698632029838noreply@blogger.com