tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5551288442626515400..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #38Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8149507120623672662012-09-09T20:25:28.107-04:002012-09-09T20:25:28.107-04:00Some startling details: 16 schools in 9 years; hom...Some startling details: 16 schools in 9 years; home schooled; the Family; the hut. I want to understand how her beginning to hunt could lead to her going to boarding school--why there was a correlation--and I'd probably read more.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77761553239725949702012-09-06T18:15:09.467-04:002012-09-06T18:15:09.467-04:00Arianna sounds like a memorable character, and you...Arianna sounds like a memorable character, and you've really set up any future clashes with her round roommate. Maybe you can tighten up the writing by eliminating extra words (Ari sighing, standing up, shoving her hair, and turining in one sentence). Also, calling her Ari and Arianna on the first page could be a tiny bit confusing.<br />Chris Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06926309475066550349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30967173203623019452012-09-06T10:58:21.843-04:002012-09-06T10:58:21.843-04:00I really liked this. I'd definitely read more....I really liked this. I'd definitely read more. I'm intrigued by the capitalization in Family and the idea of her hunting...something. <br />I'd go over it again, to tighten it up a bit and remove a few unneeded words, such as "quickly" in the second paragraph and "Ari's question" in the fifth. <br />Well done!Heidi Schulzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11820817760639108191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31594998945156273972012-09-06T08:29:53.427-04:002012-09-06T08:29:53.427-04:00Good beginning. Your use of the words 'hunt...Good beginning. Your use of the words 'hunt' and 'Family' are doing the job!! And I like that this little, round, blond girl is already showing some verve! I'd read on! Good luck! ChrisBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57724465950796341482012-09-06T06:55:58.646-04:002012-09-06T06:55:58.646-04:00I like this beginning. It was a smooth read and an...I like this beginning. It was a smooth read and an interesting premise. I'm assuming from 'hunt' and capitalised 'Family' that this is a werewolf/vampire story of some kind.Vicorvahttp://victoriaboulton.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56925475202569229512012-09-05T23:05:27.287-04:002012-09-05T23:05:27.287-04:00I liked this beginning. I would agree that some of...I liked this beginning. I would agree that some of the sentences need smoothing out. My only other thought is that there are probably stronger first lines you can use than the one you have. Maybe try fiddling with other possiblities.The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12576380634310824882012-09-05T22:11:59.148-04:002012-09-05T22:11:59.148-04:00I was intrigued by the mention of sending her out ...I was intrigued by the mention of sending her out to hunt and why you capitalized Family. It makes me think that her Family is not a nice one :)<br /><br />WHen I was reading the first sentence of the second paragraph, my mind put in "one" instead of "subject." Just a thought.<br /><br />I liked the tention with the new roomate. I would keep reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01978474302944767837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45573523377961519532012-09-05T18:18:37.326-04:002012-09-05T18:18:37.326-04:00The little that was said seemed a hint rigid to me...The little that was said seemed a hint rigid to me. Not to the point of being a deal breaker, but I can't help but think that the round girl is odd for being so openly hostile to getting a roommate when she lives in a double bedroom.<br /><br />Also, did her family send her out hunting to find her own boarding schools? It merely seems strange for a nine or ten year old, but I'm guessing that would be explained in later pages. <br /><br />Overall. Not bad, but I wasn't hooked like the other readers.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08122467134819118736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14925632740619529002012-09-05T17:54:22.818-04:002012-09-05T17:54:22.818-04:00Very well done! I would absolutely keep reading! G...Very well done! I would absolutely keep reading! Great voice. Great character. What more can we ask for? I really don't have anything else to add. Best of luck!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15902028625421542754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67546424358616642732012-09-05T16:54:51.740-04:002012-09-05T16:54:51.740-04:00Nice beginning. I see trouble brewing! I want to k...Nice beginning. I see trouble brewing! I want to know what happens between the two girls. Will they become friends? Or are they the "feudlings" of the title?<br /><br />Mention of the "hunt" got my attention. I want to know what she's hunting. <br /><br />I'm wondering how Ari feels about being a hunter. It isn't clear from the brief mention. Is she proud of it or does she hate it because it takes her away from her family and keeps her on the run?<br /><br />I also wonder if you need to mention that there are two beds in the room. <br /><br />Some of the sentences are a little awkward and could use a little smoothing. <br /><br />I'd keep reading. Great beginning!Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41784363892751747262012-09-05T10:44:30.005-04:002012-09-05T10:44:30.005-04:00I can only find one sentence I don't like - Sh...I can only find one sentence I don't like - Shaking her head...it drew me out as an obvious way to change up the sentence structure. Other than that, wow. I loved this.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.com