tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5574666830289227770..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40173271241602449362014-03-08T23:33:54.734-05:002014-03-08T23:33:54.734-05:00I love the title and I love Momma's voice. But...I love the title and I love Momma's voice. But I am not immediately hooked. Some of this is just a matter of personal taste. I wasn't drawn in by the voice of the narrator. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing that dragged me in, either. I didn't really feel for her--Was she very scared or was she angry? I didn't really have a feel for who she was. Right at the last I got the feeling she was scared, because she's begging Momma not to answer the door, but up to that point, she seems to show no emotion at all. <br /><br />The "bully bandits" threw me off. If it's a contemporary book, I'd like to know what the words mean. Is this a gang? Bully Bandits doesn't sound like a realistic name for a gang. So that kind of stopped my reading while I tried to figure out who these people were. And why are they rattling the door but not calling in threats? I wondered if we me not hear them saying, "Natalya, you're going to have to come out sometime and when you do we're to going to..."<br /><br />I guess what I'm saying is if you let them speak I won't worry so much about who they are--I'll hear them and I'll get to know them by what they say. <br /><br />Then "raucous" pulled me out of the story again. <br /><br />But I like Momma. I like that not even God can tell her what to do. <br /><br />You seem to have a good story here. I think you just need to amp up your character's voice. To pull off first person you character has to have a really strong voice, I think. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82220954434191224852014-03-08T23:08:09.611-05:002014-03-08T23:08:09.611-05:00I really like this! I especially love this line: &...I really like this! I especially love this line: "But if you knew Momma, you would know not even God can tell her what to do." Awesome way of telling me a ton about her character with just one sentence. :) Nicely done!IslandGirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15780407720363077712014-03-07T21:41:50.582-05:002014-03-07T21:41:50.582-05:00Very intriguing! I was tensed up waiting for somet...Very intriguing! I was tensed up waiting for something to happen to Momma. I want to know what's coming next. :)Cindy Williams Schraubenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09467495915201606362noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49074715631607597172014-03-07T19:39:29.955-05:002014-03-07T19:39:29.955-05:00Nice! I like the mom's voice...she sounds lik...Nice! I like the mom's voice...she sounds like a Southerner. :) <br /><br />Very relevant topic! Well done!Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14757138617723937152014-03-07T14:41:40.319-05:002014-03-07T14:41:40.319-05:00Oh I so want to know what happened after she opene...Oh I so want to know what happened after she opened the door. NOw I am frustrated. Which is a good thing. I think the beginning is strong, draws me in right away. Conniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06167089616020654799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30972628644314849492014-03-07T07:40:02.793-05:002014-03-07T07:40:02.793-05:00A nice set up. We have a character with a problem...A nice set up. We have a character with a problem on the first page, and we know something about her character and her mom's character strictly through dialogue and action.<br /><br />The quotes around the bully bandits made me question whether they were real bullies or just playing a game. Perhaps remove the quotes so we know right away they are real bullies.<br /><br />Also, raucous is an adjective. Do you mean ruckus?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15714024819035854772014-03-06T19:23:23.459-05:002014-03-06T19:23:23.459-05:00Good setup. I want to know what's behind that ...Good setup. I want to know what's behind that door! Would definitely read on.N. J. Hammernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82482965786190619562014-03-05T23:14:13.192-05:002014-03-05T23:14:13.192-05:00Yep, hooked, too!!
I love the sounds "the th...Yep, hooked, too!!<br /><br />I love the sounds "the thump-thump-thump and rattle-rattle-rattle"... although you might consider deleting one "thump" and one "rattle" to quicken the pace?<br /><br />Also, really nit-picky, but I suggest that you say "stopped" and delete "instantly."<br /><br />I want to read more! Rachelhttp://www.singlemomseeking.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3496881154734839292014-03-05T22:05:32.775-05:002014-03-05T22:05:32.775-05:00I am hooked! I don't know why the MC is being ...I am hooked! I don't know why the MC is being chased but I already care and am on MC side. Also, it just a few lines I already few like I know mama.Lisa Rosenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53626441477098929342014-03-05T20:31:01.717-05:002014-03-05T20:31:01.717-05:00Yep, I am hooked. I love the character's voice...Yep, I am hooked. I love the character's voice and I love the personality of the mother. The relationship between the mom and her daughter is believable and so nostalgic of my family. Also, the pacing of the story is on point. <br />A poster mentioned it already but I also think it would be good to eliminate the double "down there"'s when the mother is talking. Also the tags like when the character say "I replied, lying." You could just say "I lied". Still, I would be interested in reading more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04798194712737818268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29605902791877821542014-03-05T17:55:18.945-05:002014-03-05T17:55:18.945-05:00Great intro! I'm hooked! I agree with Linda C,...Great intro! I'm hooked! I agree with Linda C, though, that I thought the stumble she heard was inside the house somewhere. <br /><br />Just a small thing toward the end - you don't really need the dialogue tags of "I begged" and "she scolded." The dialogue itself tells us this :)<br /><br />Good luck!Lighthousenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30731546017885217762014-03-05T14:16:57.505-05:002014-03-05T14:16:57.505-05:00Oh, yes, I'm hooked!
I like the voice and your...Oh, yes, I'm hooked!<br />I like the voice and your writing. The only thing I'm wondering is she hears the stumble "in the distance." At first I thought this meant it was in the house, but now think it's outside. Maybe you should say "I heard a stumble outside" if that's what really happened.<br />Good job and good luck!Linda Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55940563365195101402014-03-05T12:44:22.937-05:002014-03-05T12:44:22.937-05:00I like the setup of the MC and her immediate probl...I like the setup of the MC and her immediate problem. Even though we don't know who or why yet, the reader wants to know what's outside the door.<br />I'd suggest changing the third paragraph due to the double "down there". We already know Momma is upstairs.<br />MaggieMaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82970678971339800122014-03-05T10:34:08.824-05:002014-03-05T10:34:08.824-05:00I like this. I would continue to read on. I would ...I like this. I would continue to read on. I would like to know what happened after the Mother opens the door? Did she yell at the "bully bandits"? I would suggest perhaps shorter sentences since it is Middle Grade and can give a more dramatic effect. Otherwise, I am hooked. I like the comment about "Not even God can tell Momma what to do." My mother was the same way; so I get it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com