tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5595546608506650985..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August First Line Grabber #19Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32941233580571219352013-04-11T21:27:34.691-04:002013-04-11T21:27:34.691-04:00Yes. I like the competition. Sounds like the MC is...Yes. I like the competition. Sounds like the MC is going to try to do something about "His" music. I want to keep reading. Nicely done!ThenItDidnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82635020025269383532012-08-11T11:24:36.303-04:002012-08-11T11:24:36.303-04:00Yes, but I think it should be two sentences.Yes, but I think it should be two sentences.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6248539976241505132012-08-11T09:51:48.237-04:002012-08-11T09:51:48.237-04:00Yes. Wonder if you need that "too" thoug...Yes. Wonder if you need that "too" though.Adopted Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16854988307087656003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9687477277622092532012-08-10T15:37:10.512-04:002012-08-10T15:37:10.512-04:00Yes. Totally hilarious.Yes. Totally hilarious.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34070046317489854322012-08-09T23:28:12.067-04:002012-08-09T23:28:12.067-04:00Yes. I like the voice here.Yes. I like the voice here.Britney Gulbrandsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03637618498524496363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27289033929590828532012-08-09T22:20:06.868-04:002012-08-09T22:20:06.868-04:00No. Nothing to hook me in. It sounds like a factua...No. Nothing to hook me in. It sounds like a factual statement, a bit bland and telling.Earthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10766710561968906602012-08-09T21:00:33.831-04:002012-08-09T21:00:33.831-04:00Yes. Nice twist.Yes. Nice twist.Gina Zanickyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05127645854927419505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2222547073516289392012-08-09T20:24:31.985-04:002012-08-09T20:24:31.985-04:00Yes. How dare someone have louder music?? Aka I li...Yes. How dare someone have louder music?? Aka I like the automatic conflict.JennaDaniellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63409028022382290712012-08-09T19:24:35.897-04:002012-08-09T19:24:35.897-04:00No. Plenty of times we've heard a start like t...No. Plenty of times we've heard a start like this, but it doesn't make me want to keep reading.Aightballhttp://aightball.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88403546737081616282012-08-09T19:24:33.544-04:002012-08-09T19:24:33.544-04:00No. It brings to mind sibling rivalry. Not enoug...No. It brings to mind sibling rivalry. Not enough for me.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71167631506171896802012-08-09T18:57:02.137-04:002012-08-09T18:57:02.137-04:00Yes. Nice. I like the present tense and the immedi...Yes. Nice. I like the present tense and the immediate conflict.Jennnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8935421416371588082012-08-09T15:00:40.572-04:002012-08-09T15:00:40.572-04:00Yes.
I liked the voice and the idea that the mus...Yes. <br /><br />I liked the voice and the idea that the music isn't a problem because it's loud, only because it's louder than the MC's. I'd give it a few sentences to see where this is all occuring and make a decision then.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41083573977386321412012-08-09T14:43:54.598-04:002012-08-09T14:43:54.598-04:00Yes. I imagine this narrator will have an interest...Yes. I imagine this narrator will have an interesting voice; although it does seem strange to start a first line with such a vague pronoun.Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02106422736653397018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57518054619281240202012-08-09T13:11:07.476-04:002012-08-09T13:11:07.476-04:00Yes. Instant rivalry.Yes. Instant rivalry.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69689867234777771112012-08-09T08:38:31.962-04:002012-08-09T08:38:31.962-04:00Yes. Hit a personal note - reminded me of my husba...Yes. Hit a personal note - reminded me of my husband!KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10991151793233339152012-08-09T02:21:18.980-04:002012-08-09T02:21:18.980-04:00Yes. I love the attitude.Yes. I love the attitude.Tori Schindlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12350474671522596420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57966343964554749912012-08-08T23:19:20.078-04:002012-08-08T23:19:20.078-04:00Yes. Sounds like a fight is brewing and intrigues ...Yes. Sounds like a fight is brewing and intrigues me to go further.Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46776689105749821982012-08-08T22:51:49.301-04:002012-08-08T22:51:49.301-04:00Yes. I like the conflict and character immeadietly...Yes. I like the conflict and character immeadietly presented. I want to know more about the relation between these two characters. However, it feels like the wording could be tightened. Especially "not exactly a problem."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36911518855841147782012-08-08T22:21:13.187-04:002012-08-08T22:21:13.187-04:00No. Just didn't grab me.No. Just didn't grab me.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11378846887890437566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67995555689892294092012-08-08T21:04:31.172-04:002012-08-08T21:04:31.172-04:00Yes. Though it feels like you're cramming extr...Yes. Though it feels like you're cramming extra information into one sentence. Might be best to break it into two. If the first sentence just said that "his music is louder than mine," we'd still get a sense of competition.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22395729014193733232012-08-08T21:02:39.743-04:002012-08-08T21:02:39.743-04:00Yes. Suggests a conflict to come and I like the v...Yes. Suggests a conflict to come and I like the voice. You could use the character's name.Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87872643105222736582012-08-08T18:24:21.061-04:002012-08-08T18:24:21.061-04:00Hee hee yes, because it made me laugh. I love the ...Hee hee yes, because it made me laugh. I love the voice of the MC already.Petre Panhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76816774677370126942012-08-08T18:15:35.436-04:002012-08-08T18:15:35.436-04:00Yes. I like the narrator's attitude - it's...Yes. I like the narrator's attitude - it's only too loud because it's louder than his/hers. Ha, ha. I want to know more about this person.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24269667644083281042012-08-08T17:49:26.175-04:002012-08-08T17:49:26.175-04:00No. Something as small as giving "him" a...No. Something as small as giving "him" a name and pulling out the extraneous "that" might be enough for the reader to feel less distance.The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10926360973906201692012-08-08T17:46:19.442-04:002012-08-08T17:46:19.442-04:00No. Seemed to lay flat to me.No. Seemed to lay flat to me.Kathryn J. Bainhttp://www.kathrynjbain.comnoreply@blogger.com