tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5607116626304392071..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #34Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18023829455875344152015-03-14T15:21:56.741-04:002015-03-14T15:21:56.741-04:00Be aware that, from a market perspective, paranorm...Be aware that, from a market perspective, paranormal is pretty much impossible to sell right now. Also know that boy YA is a harder sell. From an actual narrative perspective, I like what you've done here, but it will be hard for you to find a home for it in the current market. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90176317860939762732015-03-12T21:41:18.752-04:002015-03-12T21:41:18.752-04:00I completely agree with a previous poster about ge...I completely agree with a previous poster about getting a "Meet Joe Black" vibe. I think this was fantastic. YA Paranormal may be a saturated market, but I can see this really standing out, if this goes in the direction I predict it will. I'm already a fan of Benjamin, and he's only had one line so far. <br /><br />One nitpick, in the line "In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria," I would end it at "lunch was served on trays." I don't think you need to explain the rest.<br /><br />Good luck!ACS14https://www.blogger.com/profile/16870927286990699116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2660513803296682482015-03-12T21:41:04.268-04:002015-03-12T21:41:04.268-04:00I completely agree with a previous poster about ge...I completely agree with a previous poster about getting a "Meet Joe Black" vibe. I think this was fantastic. YA Paranormal may be a saturated market, but I can see this really standing out, if this goes in the direction I predict it will. I'm already a fan of Benjamin, and he's only had one line so far. <br /><br />One nitpick, in the line "In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria," I would end it at "lunch was served on trays." I don't think you need to explain the rest.<br /><br />Good luck!ACS14https://www.blogger.com/profile/16870927286990699116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3958485742555160212015-03-12T01:19:26.031-04:002015-03-12T01:19:26.031-04:00This one really intrigued me. You have great voice...This one really intrigued me. You have great voice and Benjamin leapt off the leapt off the page. You have me wondering what it is Benjamin can do, though I have a sneaking suspicion and want to keep reading to find out. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11311793464166241522015-03-12T00:16:11.555-04:002015-03-12T00:16:11.555-04:00First line is great. Intriguing to learn that he h...First line is great. Intriguing to learn that he has a "gift" OR a "curse". It gets better with "depending on the day". Good job there. I'm left to ponder the thought that if Ms. Gail is so sick that she needs a respiratory machine and a heart monitor, why hasn't the nursing home sent her to the hospital? I didn't even know that nursing homes had this kind of equipment. I'd read on. Gotta find out HOW she dies....CindyGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22306794065085520082015-03-11T18:54:16.090-04:002015-03-11T18:54:16.090-04:00I love the first line, but agree that it might be ...I love the first line, but agree that it might be stronger if you set it off on its own. I'm getting a "Meet Joe Black"-type vibe here and am curious if that's what Benjamin's power is. I would read more to find out! I'm also curious as to how old Benjamin is. Maybe work that into the first page somehow to give the reader a better sense of his character because there's no description of him at all right now. Speaking of curious, you've got "curious" in the forth line of the first paragraph twice. I'd change one so it doesn't sound quite as repetitive. Love the little details like the Tic Tac and the noise of the machines. Good job and good luck!bookwormnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91640004523271488802015-03-11T16:15:14.920-04:002015-03-11T16:15:14.920-04:00You've done a great job setting the scene here...You've done a great job setting the scene here. I like Benjamin's swagger, and am definitely interested in his gift. I'd suggest setting off the first line as it's own paragraph, so that it ends on "somebody was going to die," rather than the impact of that line being buried in the rest of the paragraph. Also, after "Ms. Gail wasn't speaking. He"--the he threw me for a second. I realized it was Benjamin after a second read, but I'd suggest changing it to Benjamin. These are just small tinkerings, though. Great job!<br /><br />(Sorry for the repeat comment. I couldn't sign in earlier!)Ron Waltershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02470028719946101020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16448473962540823232015-03-11T16:10:41.074-04:002015-03-11T16:10:41.074-04:00The intro is interesting. I like details like popp...The intro is interesting. I like details like popping a Tic-Tac in his mouth. In the second paragraph the wording feels a bit formal, "as all residents." Maybe something simple and less formal sounding? I spent a couple of years visiting nursing homes - I never smelled one that had such a strong odor of flowers and/or disinfectant. Especially so strong that Benjamin couldn't read. Were his eyes watering? I liked how you contrasted the stillness of Ms Gail and the noisiness of the room - really good! I'd read more. Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86189933073139657952015-03-11T13:31:53.424-04:002015-03-11T13:31:53.424-04:00You've done a great job setting the scene here...You've done a great job setting the scene here. I like Benjamin's swagger, and am definitely interested in his gift. I'd suggest setting off the first line as it's own paragraph, so that it ends on "somebody was going to die," rather than the impact of that line being buried in the rest of the paragraph. Also, after "Ms. Gail wasn't speaking. He"--the he threw me for a second. I realized it was Benjamin after a second read, but I'd suggest changing it to Benjamin. These are just small tinkerings, though. Great job!RLWnoreply@blogger.com