tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5707547332081341013..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: (3) Mystery: ADRIFTAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64965940587729404022014-12-04T16:45:47.479-05:002014-12-04T16:45:47.479-05:00Could this potentially be a urban fantasy set on t...Could this potentially be a urban fantasy set on the ocean meets a thriller or is this a Scooby Do mystery? I'd like to have seen us go a little further into the story. You're great at description but we didn't get enough in this intro to pull us totally in. The pitch is strong, writing clean, but the ending is flat for me.<br /><br />But, I'm interested in the premise enough to ask what is going to happen next!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09500234470173797515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69237036371122797402014-11-30T14:24:18.854-05:002014-11-30T14:24:18.854-05:00Very intriguing premise!
I thought the log line w...Very intriguing premise!<br /><br />I thought the log line was a little confusing. If she doesn't believe in ghosts and has to overcome her skepticism, why would she be spooked?<br /><br />Really liked the detail about the Midwest couple. It put me right into Mer's head. <br /><br />It took me a couple of reads to understand that Leroy and the captain were the same person. <br /><br />Overall, very nice writing. Good luck! <br /><br /><br /><br />Just Janhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12546035917149403735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74821808599434950212014-11-30T14:19:35.210-05:002014-11-30T14:19:35.210-05:00You do an excellent job of establishing your prota...You do an excellent job of establishing your protagonist and your expertise in the subject of diving. I wanted to see Mer's concern for the old couple demonstrated through action rather than spoken (and it does seem odd that Mer takes the time to tie back her hair into a braid). I don't get a good sense of Leroy's character here so I would either not include Leroy in the first 250 or give him more of an exchange with Mer. That being said, I'm really excited by this entry! It sounds like an underwater ghost story and I've never heard of that before! Best of luck!Dina Havraneknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55804040506367611452014-11-30T04:19:12.003-05:002014-11-30T04:19:12.003-05:00The phrase "Key Largo's famed Molasses Re...The phrase "Key Largo's famed Molasses Reef" seemed odd. This is from her POV so why would she describe it that way? Is this her first time there? It sounds like a description of someone going someplace for the first time. "So this is the famed Molasses Reef." Like a travel brochure lol. The other thing I thought was odd was putting her hair in a braid? Pulling it back or up in a quick pony tail maybe but taking the time to braid it seems weird. And shouldn't the captain's legs be tanned not tan? I know they are nitpicks but my opinion was those things stood out. <br /><br />But I like the atmosphere, setting, and ocean descriptions. I think the story will be good.kirknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28239777397337274322014-11-29T21:13:24.604-05:002014-11-29T21:13:24.604-05:00Another reader here that you had at "paranorm...Another reader here that you had at "paranormal dive team." I would buy the book on that alone. Fascinating!<br /><br />This line took me out of the action and didn't seem necessary to the opening: "If only everything else in her life could be weathered as easily." You'll show that to us by her other actions in the book.<br /><br />Good luck in the auction!Alexis Larkinhttp://www.alexislarkin.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42961061645638339692014-11-29T16:53:47.547-05:002014-11-29T16:53:47.547-05:00You had me at "paranormal dive team." :)...You had me at "paranormal dive team." :)<br /><br />I agree with Karen that the second sentence was a bit clunky. That said, I loved the way the sentiment worked with the last line of the first paragraph, and how it immediately involves us in Mer's inner life.<br /><br />And I also wondered at the "rabbit vs bear" comment - maybe having Mer note that this was one of his odd turns of phrase? But, I do like her quip back to him.<br /><br />I love the tension you’ve created in just a few words, and I love the premise so I'm all in! Best of luck!<br />Mercinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1432483261455390662014-11-28T14:03:37.696-05:002014-11-28T14:03:37.696-05:00I appreciate that you don't get caught up in d...I appreciate that you don't get caught up in descriptive details in your opening, but manage to weave them in seamlessly while cutting to the chase. Nicely tense opening. Good job!<br /><br />The only part that tripped me up is the second line in your first paragraph. It feels clunky to me and I had to read it over 3 times to get its meaning. If you can simplify to clarify that she shifted the weight from one foot to the other, that would help.<br /><br />I also didn't understand what the captain means by "That'll make a rabbit smack a bear." I've never heard that expression and I'm still trying to figure out how it applies. I do, however, like Mer's response. <br /><br />Good luck!Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11841190586821337412014-11-28T13:22:55.216-05:002014-11-28T13:22:55.216-05:00I was immediately drawn in to this story. I liked ...I was immediately drawn in to this story. I liked your description of the way Mer has to shift her weight as the boat rocked. It gives a real sense of action and movement. Watching for the bubbles on the surface is a wonderful detail that helps ratchet up the tension. I can picture it all. Well done.<br /><br />Good luck on Tuesday!quistie64https://www.blogger.com/profile/04701668433304877637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12964461488421969952014-11-28T09:56:55.500-05:002014-11-28T09:56:55.500-05:00I disagree with the comment above. I think you did...I disagree with the comment above. I think you did an excellent job of making me feel what Mer felt and putting me in the scene. And of course she pulled her hair into a braid, her neck was dripping in sweat. I have long hair and I would've done the same thing. Great job! Good luck in the auction!Sue Colettahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13506701894460706840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75317082238986988782014-11-28T09:38:28.573-05:002014-11-28T09:38:28.573-05:00Kudos for starting in the action at a moment of te...Kudos for starting in the action at a moment of tension. You do a good job in the first two paragraphs of establishing the sense that something is about to go wrong. I also love the exchange between Mer and Leroy at the end.<br /><br />I think this opening would be even stronger, though, if you tried to engage more of the senses in your description of the waves. Show Mer feeling spray on her face and tasting salt in the air. Is it sunny or cloudy? Windy or calm? A few more of those details would put the reader in scene with her, and you could probably do without her checking the emergency equipment and tying back her hair.<br /><br />Good luck!Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.com